Breast Cancer Lanyard

[throwing up sounds] [applause] [applause]it was either this or watch a it was either this or watch a it was either this or watch a voluptuous 14-year-old girl eat voluptuous 14-year-old girl eat voluptuous 14-year-old girl eat her tampon. her tampon. her tampon.welcome to the season 5 premiere

welcome to the season 5 premiere welcome to the season 5 premiereof tosh.0. of tosh.0. of tosh.0. i'd love to tell you it's our i'd love to tell you it's our i'd love to tell you it's our final season, but you the fans final season, but you the fans final season, but you the fans keep demanding more. keep demanding more.

keep demanding more. not really. not really. not really. the truth is, this show is just the truth is, this show is just the truth is, this show is just too cheap for comedy central not too cheap for comedy central not too cheap for comedy central notto pick it up. to pick it up. to pick it up.as you can see, we have a brand

as you can see, we have a brand as you can see, we have a brand new fake set. new fake set. new fake set.if you're wondering what city if you're wondering what city if you're wondering what city that is, it's the iconic that is, it's the iconic that is, it's the iconic titusville skyline. titusville skyline.

titusville skyline.now, i know a lot of fashion now, i know a lot of fashion now, i know a lot of fashion blogs have speculated over this blogs have speculated over this blogs have speculated over this season's new look. season's new look. season's new look.and i'm proud to finally break and i'm proud to finally break and i'm proud to finally break my silence and announce that in

my silence and announce that in my silence and announce that in 2013 i will be wearing nothing 2013 i will be wearing nothing 2013 i will be wearing nothingbut the finest -- but the finest -- but the finest -- -- cashmere. -- cashmere. -- cashmere.thanks to my good buddies in led thanks to my good buddies in led

thanks to my good buddies in ledzeppelin for writing that little zeppelin for writing that little zeppelin for writing that littlewardrobe reveal jingle. wardrobe reveal jingle. wardrobe reveal jingle.no touching. no touching. no touching. get your own. get your own. get your own. cashmere is highly sensitive to

cashmere is highly sensitive to cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil on poor people's the oil on poor people's the oil on poor people's fingers. fingers. fingers.man, there's so much going on i man, there's so much going on i man, there's so much going on i almost forgot to tell you about almost forgot to tell you about

almost forgot to tell you about tonight's show. tonight's show. tonight's show. how will you know whether to how will you know whether to how will you know whether to stay tuned? stay tuned? stay tuned?tonight on the show, i redeem tonight on the show, i redeem tonight on the show, i redeem this soulless ginger...

this soulless ginger... this soulless ginger...i show you why i'm the greatest i show you why i'm the greatest i show you why i'm the greatest athlete of my generation, of the athlete of my generation, of the athlete of my generation, of thepeople who work in my office -- people who work in my office -- people who work in my office -- and i text creepy pictures to and i text creepy pictures to

and i text creepy pictures to total strangers. total strangers. total strangers.now, let's see how much more now, let's see how much more now, let's see how much more that bulimic bieleber has in that bulimic bieleber has in that bulimic bieleber has in him. him. him.that is the worst case of bieber

that is the worst case of bieber that is the worst case of bieberfever ever. fever ever. fever ever.if you close your eyes, it if you close your eyes, it if you close your eyes, it sounds like you're actually at sounds like you're actually at sounds like you're actually at one of his concerts. one of his concerts.

one of his concerts.sorry, justin. sorry, justin. sorry, justin. you don't get to kill a you don't get to kill a you don't get to kill a paparazzi without consequences. paparazzi without consequences. paparazzi without consequences.keep yakking, bieber does not keep yakking, bieber does not keep yakking, bieber does not date chubby dudes.

date chubby dudes. date chubby dudes.if this next video doesn't get if this next video doesn't get if this next video doesn't get you jazzed for sweet corn you jazzed for sweet corn you jazzed for sweet corn season, nothing will. season, nothing will. season, nothing will.from now on, anyone who eats a from now on, anyone who eats a

from now on, anyone who eats a cob of corn by hand is a damn cob of corn by hand is a damn cob of corn by hand is a damn fool. fool. how do you go to all that how do you go to all that trouble and not stick it in your trouble and not stick it in your trouble and not stick it in yourother corn hole? other corn hole?

other corn hole? what i like to do is after i what i like to do is after i what i like to do is after i finish a full rotation, put it finish a full rotation, put it finish a full rotation, put it in reverse. in reverse. in reverse. catch the stragglers. catch the stragglers. catch the stragglers.anne hathaway could do that in

anne hathaway could do that in anne hathaway could do that in half the time. half the time. half the time.she has like four rows of teeth, she has like four rows of teeth, she has like four rows of teeth,i think. i think. i think.the faster you eat your veggies, the faster you eat your veggies,

the faster you eat your veggies,the sooner you can have dessert. the sooner you can have dessert. god help you if you try that god help you if you try that with a twin pop. with a twin pop. with a twin pop.this next guy's realtor forgot this next guy's realtor forgot this next guy's realtor forgot to mention that inglewood is to mention that inglewood is

to mention that inglewood is always up to no good. always up to no good. always up to no good. always. always. always.he's making his way off to lax he's making his way off to lax he's making his way off to lax again. again. again.holy crap.

holy crap. holy crap.that's why every american should that's why every american should that's why every american shouldown a spike strip. own a spike strip. own a spike strip.maybe not the best neighborhood maybe not the best neighborhood maybe not the best neighborhood to show off your flat screen and to show off your flat screen and

to show off your flat screen andiphone. iphone. iphone.a ground level unit in the a ground level unit in the a ground level unit in the ghetto is like having front row ghetto is like having front row ghetto is like having front row seats to a tom cruise action seats to a tom cruise action seats to a tom cruise action flick,

flick, flick,except in this one, tom doesn't except in this one, tom doesn't except in this one, tom doesn't do his own stunts, and his stunt do his own stunts, and his stunt do his own stunts, and his stuntdouble is always black. double is always black. double is always black.nobody with that penis should nobody with that penis should

nobody with that penis should ever consider suicide. ever consider suicide. ever consider suicide.how come cool like that happens how come cool like that happens how come cool like that happens in this neighborhood? in this neighborhood? in this neighborhood?that was our office? that was our office? that was our office?here's why i only wrestle boys

here's why i only wrestle boys here's why i only wrestle boys in the dark. in the dark. in the dark.yeah. yeah. yeah.whatever. whatever. whatever.holy sucker. holy sucker.

holy sucker.i bet he just had a really good i bet he just had a really good i bet he just had a really good idea. idea. idea.we're gonna to need a medic and we're gonna to need a medic and we're gonna to need a medic and an electrician. an electrician. an electrician.the ghost of owen hart has been

the ghost of owen hart has been the ghost of owen hart has been haunting that middle school for haunting that middle school for haunting that middle school for years. years. years.i wish this would happen to ray i wish this would happen to ray i wish this would happen to ray lewis every time he starts to lewis every time he starts to

lewis every time he starts to dance. dance. dance.i wouldn't be surprised if the i wouldn't be surprised if the i wouldn't be surprised if the mouth of the south jimmy hart mouth of the south jimmy hart mouth of the south jimmy hart was behind this. was behind this. was behind this.if you're too chunky to take

if you're too chunky to take if you're too chunky to take your shirt off at the beach, your shirt off at the beach, your shirt off at the beach, you're too chunky to do this -- you're too chunky to do this -- you're too chunky to do this -- ready. ready. ready.he's going to do it. he's going to do it.

he's going to do it.holy crap. holy crap.holy crap. holy crap.i'd say try not to put too much i'd say try not to put too much i'd say try not to put too much weight on it, but that doesn't weight on it, but that doesn't weight on it, but that doesn't seem likely. seem likely. seem likely.everyone who's ever worn a

everyone who's ever worn a everyone who's ever worn a livestrong bracelet, know that livestrong bracelet, know that livestrong bracelet, know that karma's coming for ya. karma's coming for ya. karma's coming for ya.that's why dawson only went to that's why dawson only went to that's why dawson only went to the pier to think. the pier to think.

the pier to think.what's next? what's next? what's next?[foreign language spoken] [foreign language spoken] [foreign language spoken]relax. relax. relax. he clearly has a press lanyard. he clearly has a press lanyard. he clearly has a press lanyard.little late to change your

little late to change your little late to change your stance on gun control now, isn't stance on gun control now, isn't stance on gun control now, isn'tit? it? it?let's see if comedy central let's see if comedy central let's see if comedy central finally gave us the green light finally gave us the green light

finally gave us the green light to show murders in this week's to show murders in this week's to show murders in this week'sbreakdown. breakdown. welcome to bulgaria, or as you welcome to bulgaria, or as you may know it, sort-of-russia. may know it, sort-of-russia. may know it, sort-of-russia.i'm told the guy speaking i'm told the guy speaking

i'm told the guy speaking gibberish is actually a gibberish is actually a gibberish is actually arespected politician. respected politician. respected politician. you thought he was jodie foster, you thought he was jodie foster, you thought he was jodie foster,didn't you? didn't you? didn't you?whatever he's talking about, i'm

whatever he's talking about, i'm whatever he's talking about, i'msure it will have a huge impact sure it will have a huge impact sure it will have a huge impact on the world goulash market. on the world goulash market. on the world goulash market.you rarely see someone in a you rarely see someone in a you rarely see someone in a black turtleneck and leather black turtleneck and leather

black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice. jacket doing something nice. jacket doing something nice.no one thought it'd be a good no one thought it'd be a good no one thought it'd be a good idea to pat down the bond idea to pat down the bond idea to pat down the bond villain? villain? villain?see?

see? see? guns really don't kill people. guns really don't kill people. guns really don't kill people.yeah, he forgot a crucial part yeah, he forgot a crucial part yeah, he forgot a crucial part of the plan: buy a bullet. of the plan: buy a bullet. of the plan: buy a bullet.oh, the secret service finally oh, the secret service finally

oh, the secret service finally decides to show up? decides to show up? decides to show up? to be fair, they also have to be to be fair, they also have to be to be fair, they also have to bethe fire department -- and the the fire department -- and the the fire department -- and the fed ex guys. fed ex guys. fed ex guys.sir, you are under arrest.

sir, you are under arrest. sir, you are under arrest. you have the right to brutal mob you have the right to brutal mob you have the right to brutal mobjustice. justice. justice.please be patient, senators, please be patient, senators, please be patient, senators, everyone will get a chance to everyone will get a chance to

everyone will get a chance to kick him. kick him. kick him.i'm just happy to see violence i'm just happy to see violence i'm just happy to see violence and guns out of the schools and and guns out of the schools and and guns out of the schools and back into politics where they back into politics where they back into politics where theybelong, and for that, we thank

belong, and for that, we thank belong, and for that, we thank you. you. you. we'll be right back with the we'll be right back with the we'll be right back with the angry ginger's redemption, but angry ginger's redemption, but angry ginger's redemption, but first -- first --

first -- this ladies dog ain't much to this ladies dog ain't much to this ladies dog ain't much to look at, but it makes one hell look at, but it makes one hell look at, but it makes one hell of a baked potato. of a baked potato. of a baked potato. it really irritates that south it really irritates that south it really irritates that south park would say that redheaded

park would say that redheaded park would say that redheaded people don't have soules okay. people don't have soules okay. people don't have soules okay.because we do. because we do. because we do.we do have soules. we do have soules. we do have soules.i go to church. i go to church.

i go to church.i'm a christian. i'm a christian. i'm a christian.you don't know me. you don't know me. you don't know me.you're not god. you're not god. you're not god.i'm ginger, and i'm proud of it. i'm ginger, and i'm proud of it. i'm ginger, and i'm proud of it.didn't catch a word of that.

didn't catch a word of that. didn't catch a word of that. could you please turn your hair could you please turn your hair could you please turn your hair down? down? down?i'd be mad too if god forgot to i'd be mad too if god forgot to i'd be mad too if god forgot to color me in and left me out to color me in and left me out to

color me in and left me out to rust. rust. rust.that redheaded stepchild is that redheaded stepchild is that redheaded stepchild is michael, and he parlayed a michael, and he parlayed a michael, and he parlayed a nationwide disgust of his hair nationwide disgust of his hair nationwide disgust of his hair into over 32 million hits on

into over 32 million hits on into over 32 million hits on youtube. youtube. youtube. which translates into roughly which translates into roughly which translates into roughly $8. $8. $8.much like down syndrome, red much like down syndrome, red

much like down syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and hair is a genetic mutation, and hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has it occurs when a human has it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown. unprotected sex with a clown. unprotected sex with a clown. the only good thing about it, is the only good thing about it, is the only good thing about it, isyou can immediately know who

you can immediately know who you can immediately know who that stray pube on the toilet that stray pube on the toilet that stray pube on the toilet seat belongs to. seat belongs to. seat belongs to.and sure, freckles are cute... and sure, freckles are cute... and sure, freckles are cute... on a cheetah. on a cheetah.

on a cheetah.but what you've got on your but what you've got on your but what you've got on your breasts are tons of moles. breasts are tons of moles. breasts are tons of moles.there have only been two hot there have only been two hot there have only been two hot redheads in history. redheads in history. redheads in history. a 16-year-old --

a 16-year-old -- a 16-year-old -- -- lindsay lohan and -- -- lindsay lohan and -- -- lindsay lohan and -- -- the little mermaid. -- the little mermaid. -- the little mermaid. personally, i think her hair is personally, i think her hair is personally, i think her hair is way grosser than the fact that way grosser than the fact that

way grosser than the fact that her bottom half is a trout. her bottom half is a trout. her bottom half is a trout.why didn't emma stone make the why didn't emma stone make the why didn't emma stone make the cut? cut? cut? ah, she's not a natural redhead. ah, she's not a natural redhead. ah, she's not a natural redhead.and i can't stand to see her

and i can't stand to see her and i can't stand to see her lisp her way through another lisp her way through another lisp her way through another movie. movie. movie. even that idiot gilligan even that idiot gilligan even that idiot gilligan understood that the redheaded understood that the redheaded

understood that the redheaded movie star on the island was movie star on the island was movie star on the island was hideous compared to the hideous compared to the hideous compared to the brunette. brunette. brunette. and that's saying something, and that's saying something, and that's saying something, because mary ann was a

because mary ann was a because mary ann was a flat-chested hick. flat-chested hick. flat-chested hick.while it's no secret inviting a while it's no secret inviting a while it's no secret inviting a ginger into your home causes ginger into your home causes ginger into your home causes your plants to die, no one your plants to die, no one

your plants to die, no onedeserves to be bullied because deserves to be bullied because deserves to be bullied because of their hair color. of their hair color. of their hair color. especially when their skin is especially when their skin is especially when their skin is too thin to handle a few jokes. too thin to handle a few jokes. too thin to handle a few jokes.that's why i put that flaming

that's why i put that flaming that's why i put that flaming hot cheeto on a red eye and flew hot cheeto on a red eye and flew hot cheeto on a red eye and flewhim to hollywood, a place him to hollywood, a place him to hollywood, a placewhere nobody has a soul, in this where nobody has a soul, in this where nobody has a soul, in thisweek's web redemption. week's web redemption.

>> welcome to i'm not a real >> welcome to i'm not a real dr. phil show. dr. phil show. dr. phil show..0. .0. .0.we're delving into a topic that we're delving into a topic that infuriates everyone. infuriates everyone.please welcome michael.

please welcome michael. please welcome michael.>> who said that. >> who said that. >> who said that.>> hold down everybody. >> hold down everybody. >> hold down everybody.calm down. calm down. calm down.i have this under control. i have this under control.

i have this under control.i know his hair is very i know his hair is very i know his hair is very disturbing. disturbing. disturbing.this is what i do. this is what i do. this is what i do.my hair is not disturbing. my hair is not disturbing. my hair is not disturbing.it's so red.

it's so red. it's so red.>> michael, how old are you? >> michael, how old are you? >> michael, how old are you?>> i'm 20? >> i'm 20? >> i'm 20?>> i have to ask does the carpet >> i have to ask does the carpet >> i have to ask does the carpetmatch the pubes. match the pubes.

match the pubes.how old is that video now how old is that video now how old is that video now >> three years old. >> three years old. >> three years old.i saw the ginger episode it i saw the ginger episode it i saw the ginger episode it ticked me off. ticked me off. ticked me off.i hosted it on youtube and

i hosted it on youtube and i hosted it on youtube and overnight it got viral. overnight it got viral. overnight it got viral.>> if you're standing on the hot >> if you're standing on the hot >> if you're standing on the hothighway you try to get off on highway you try to get off on highway you try to get off on the cool grass. the cool grass.

the cool grass.i have selected the top five i have selected the top five i have selected the top five gingers of all-time. gingers of all-time. gingers of all-time.i'd like you to take a look at i'd like you to take a look at i'd like you to take a look at my list. my list. my list.do you agree with my list.

do you agree with my list. do you agree with my list.not really not really not really >> who would be your number one. >> who would be your number one. >> who would be your number one.ron howard. ron howard. ron howard.ron howard number one ginger. ron howard number one ginger.

ron howard number one ginger.no matter how flat you make a no matter how flat you make a no matter how flat you make a pancake it's got two sides. pancake it's got two sides. pancake it's got two sides.have you ever been in a fight? have you ever been in a fight? have you ever been in a fight?>> one of them called me ginger. >> one of them called me ginger. >> one of them called me ginger.i counted that a punch.

i counted that a punch. i counted that a punch.>> you can only push a ginger so >> you can only push a ginger so >> you can only push a ginger sofar before that gingersnaps. far before that gingersnaps. far before that gingersnaps.gingersnap. gingersnap. gingersnap.do you feel ginger offensive? do you feel ginger offensive?

do you feel ginger offensive?>> i find it when people that >> i find it when people that >> i find it when people that are not redheaded use it. are not redheaded use it. are not redheaded use it.that's my ginger. that's my ginger. that's my ginger.that's fine. that's fine. that's fine.now i'd like to show another

now i'd like to show another now i'd like to show another people another popular viral people another popular viral people another popular viral video of a grandmother about video of a grandmother about video of a grandmother about things that sticks in her things that sticks in her things that sticks in her criteria. criteria.

criteria.>> black, and honky, and the >> black, and honky, and the >> black, and honky, and the other word that i grew up other word that i grew up other word that i grew up saying. saying. saying.the white people that are the white people that are the white people that are discriminated against.

discriminated against. discriminated against.what are are the odds all of the what are are the odds all of the what are are the odds all of themillions of viral videos that millions of viral videos that millions of viral videos that this man would know her. this man would know her. this man would know her.that's my knee ma. that's my knee ma.

that's my knee ma.>> that's his real life memo. >> that's his real life memo. >> that's his real life memo.>> that dog almost doesn't hunt. >> that dog almost doesn't hunt. >> that dog almost doesn't hunt.>> memo get out here. >> memo get out here. >> memo get out here.>> thank you for being here. >> thank you for being here. >> thank you for being here.i don't know what the hell i'm

i don't know what the hell i'm i don't know what the hell i'm here. here. here.i put on a bra to come. i put on a bra to come. i put on a bra to come.i wish you wouldn't have put on i wish you wouldn't have put on i wish you wouldn't have put on a bra. a bra.

a bra.have you ever breast-fed have you ever breast-fed have you ever breast-fed michael. michael. michael.no, no i'm his grandmother. no, no i'm his grandmother. no, no i'm his grandmother.>> i understand that. >> i understand that. >> i understand that.>> can i tell you something

>> can i tell you something >> can i tell you something about l.a. about l.a. about l.a.everything is good-looking. everything is good-looking. everything is good-looking.there's not a dog in the damn there's not a dog in the damn there's not a dog in the damn bunch. bunch.

bunch.>> look at that guy. >> look at that guy. >> look at that guy.>>> if i was younger it would >>> if i was younger it would >>> if i was younger it would take a crowbar to get him out of take a crowbar to get him out of take a crowbar to get him out ofhis lap. his lap. his lap.>> is your sex life still alife

>> is your sex life still alife >> is your sex life still alife >>> hell no. >>> hell no. >>> hell no.my vibrator broke. my vibrator broke. my vibrator broke.>> i know how to clean a fish. >> i know how to clean a fish. >> i know how to clean a fish.we're not going to start with we're not going to start with

we're not going to start with this. this. this.but nobody is going to be home but nobody is going to be home but nobody is going to be home to feed the dogs. to feed the dogs. to feed the dogs.we've got a chow, an akey fau. we've got a chow, an akey fau. we've got a chow, an akey fau.we've got three pit bills.

we've got three pit bills. we've got three pit bills.three labs, and a little three labs, and a little three labs, and a little pointer. pointer. pointer.and i hate cats. and i hate cats. and i hate cats.my daughter loves cats. my daughter loves cats.

my daughter loves cats.cats are weird. cats are weird. cats are weird.you sure are making a lot of you sure are making a lot of you sure are making a lot of sense. sense. sense.do you know what the internet do you know what the internet do you know what the internet is?

is? is?>> barely. >> barely. >> barely.>> do you get competitive with >> do you get competitive with >> do you get competitive with michael over views of his video. michael over views of his video. michael over views of his video.>> oh no. >> oh no.

>> oh no.i cuss and carry on but i don't i cuss and carry on but i don't i cuss and carry on but i don't like him to trash real much. like him to trash real much. like him to trash real much.>> it's clear to everyone here >> it's clear to everyone here >> it's clear to everyone here and myself that you've got to and myself that you've got to and myself that you've got to make a change or you're going to

make a change or you're going to make a change or you're going toend up old crazy and alone like end up old crazy and alone like end up old crazy and alone like your matt morgan. your matt morgan. your matt morgan.are you ready to make that are you ready to make that are you ready to make that change. change.

change.>>> yes. >>> yes. >>> yes.>> michael are you ready to make >> michael are you ready to make >> michael are you ready to makethat change. that change. that change.>>> yes i'm ready. >>> yes i'm ready. >>> yes i'm ready.>> that's what i like to hear.

>> that's what i like to hear. >> that's what i like to hear.we have it that foxy mercedes we have it that foxy mercedes we have it that foxy mercedes suv that costs $100,000 that suv that costs $100,000 that suv that costs $100,000 that makes you look like a butt hole. makes you look like a butt hole. makes you look like a butt hole.>> he's going to change his >> he's going to change his

>> he's going to change his life. life. life.but a promise ain't a tub of but a promise ain't a tub of but a promise ain't a tub of crickets if you don't see it crickets if you don't see it crickets if you don't see it through. through. through.that's why during the commercial

that's why during the commercial that's why during the commercialbreak i helped him with that break i helped him with that break i helped him with that reality. reality. reality.let's see how much progress let's see how much progress let's see how much progress michael has been making. michael has been making.

michael has been making.>>> ever since i dyed my hair >>> ever since i dyed my hair >>> ever since i dyed my hair black my life has been great. black my life has been great. black my life has been great.get out of here. get out of here. get out of here.>> that was beautiful. >> that was beautiful. >> that was beautiful.goodnight.

goodnight. goodnight.to be clear, that was me playing to be clear, that was me playing to be clear, that was me playingdr. phil. dr. phil. dr. phil. we paid top dollar to get the we paid top dollar to get the we paid top dollar to get the makeup team from frank makeup team from frank

makeup team from frank caliendo's old show. caliendo's old show. caliendo's old show. we'll be right back, but first, we'll be right back, but first, we'll be right back, but first, i know a star when i see one. i know a star when i see one. i know a star when i see one. here's the first installment of here's the first installment of here's the first installment of porch time with mema.

porch time with mema. porch time with mema. today's question comes to us today's question comes to us today's question comes to us from k. preston. from k. preston. from k. preston.she wants to know is john she wants to know is john she wants to know is john travolta gay? travolta gay?

travolta gay?i don't believe john travolta is i don't believe john travolta is i don't believe john travolta isgay. gay. gay.he's had kids and everything. he's had kids and everything. he's had kids and everything.he like to dance and swivel his he like to dance and swivel his he like to dance and swivel his [applause]

[applause]there's nothing better than there's nothing better than there's nothing better than having a sleepover with your having a sleepover with your having a sleepover with your bros. bros. bros. the problem is there are no the problem is there are no the problem is there are no ladies to play truth or dare

ladies to play truth or dare ladies to play truth or dare with. with. with. all you got is a basement full all you got is a basement full all you got is a basement full of flaccid wieners. of flaccid wieners. of flaccid wieners. that's why i came up with a that's why i came up with a

that's why i came up with a manlier game called sports or manlier game called sports or manlier game called sports or consequences. consequences. consequences. triple 20 or you get to cut one triple 20 or you get to cut one triple 20 or you get to cut one eyed 20s out of the loser's eyed 20s out of the loser's eyed 20s out of the loser's wallet.

wallet. wallet.oh. oh. oh.driver's license is a huge driver's license is a huge driver's license is a huge inconvenience. inconvenience. inconvenience.another visa. another visa.

another visa.university of alabama. university of alabama. university of alabama.national alumni association. national alumni association. national alumni association.i think what i'm going to do is i think what i'm going to do is i think what i'm going to do is cut so that you have an adult cut so that you have an adult cut so that you have an adult wallet.

wallet.now that's a normal wallet. now that's a normal wallet. now that's a normal wallet.>> make a 3-pointer or make a >> make a 3-pointer or make a >> make a 3-pointer or make a creamy rich doughnut out of a creamy rich doughnut out of a creamy rich doughnut out of a sandbox. sandbox. sandbox.we have a penne pasta with a

we have a penne pasta with a we have a penne pasta with a vodka salmon. vodka salmon. vodka salmon.would you like fresh parmesan. would you like fresh parmesan. would you like fresh parmesan.yeah it will probably help. yeah it will probably help. yeah it will probably help.>> you know what's not good is >> you know what's not good is

>> you know what's not good is the sand. the sand. the sand.30-yard field goal or you have 30-yard field goal or you have 30-yard field goal or you have to submerge your head in to submerge your head in to submerge your head in lukewarm cheese. lukewarm cheese. you'll always remember wide

you'll always remember wide right. right. right.it's so heavy. it's so heavy. it's so heavy.so a vortex football 30 yards so a vortex football 30 yards so a vortex football 30 yards into this trash can or break one into this trash can or break one into this trash can or break oneof your windows with a

of your windows with a of your windows with a sledgehammer. sledgehammer. sledgehammer.>> i just got a new car. >> i just got a new car. >> i just got a new car.>> then don't lose. >> then don't lose. who's the greatest athlete ever? who's the greatest athlete ever?>> i can do it at any distance.

>> i can do it at any distance. >> i can do it at any distance.come up with your own sports or come up with your own sports or come up with your own sports orconsequences and send them in to consequences and send them in to consequences and send them in toour blog. our blog. our blog. i cannot wait to personally i cannot wait to personally

i cannot wait to personally watch every single one of them. watch every single one of them. watch every single one of them. keep it pg-13 and keep it safe. keep it pg-13 and keep it safe. keep it pg-13 and keep it safe. and while you're there, why not and while you're there, why not and while you're there, why not pull a twofer, and upload a clip pull a twofer, and upload a clip pull a twofer, and upload a clipfor a chance to be our viewer

for a chance to be our viewer for a chance to be our viewer video. video. video. here's this week's winner. here's this week's winner. here's this week's winner.i have can sush. i have can sush. i have can sush.i have cancer.c. i have cancer.c.

i have cancer.c.e. e. e.r. r. r.i have cancer. i have cancer. i have cancer.we'll be right back with more we'll be right back with more we'll be right back with more [applause]

[applause]welcome back. welcome back. welcome back. i have never seen or touched a i have never seen or touched a i have never seen or touched a goat but i thank them for their goat but i thank them for their goat but i thank them for their sacrifice. sacrifice. sacrifice.cashmere.

cashmere. cashmere.next week we get to know this next week we get to know this next week we get to know this speedy fellow. speedy fellow. speedy fellow.look at the gun registration. look at the gun registration. look at the gun registration.i'm the first human to run over i'm the first human to run over

i'm the first human to run over 30-miles-per-hour. 30-miles-per-hour. 30-miles-per-hour.we were going to fly him here, we were going to fly him here, we were going to fly him here, but he said it'd be quicker to but he said it'd be quicker to but he said it'd be quicker to just run across the country. just run across the country. just run across the country. follow me on twitter and know

follow me on twitter and know follow me on twitter and know that when we live chat during that when we live chat during that when we live chat during the show, i also am taking care the show, i also am taking care the show, i also am taking careof a lot of online billing. of a lot of online billing. of a lot of online billing.check out our blog at check out our blog at

check out our blog at tosh.comedycentral.com. tosh.comedycentral.com. tosh.comedycentral.com. the average reader spends 4.26 the average reader spends 4.26 the average reader spends 4.26 minutes on that site. minutes on that site. minutes on that site. let's get that up to around 7 -- let's get that up to around 7 -- let's get that up to around 7 --7.24 by the end of the season.

7.24 by the end of the season. 7.24 by the end of the season.big announcement. big announcement. big announcement. dead or alive, i will be hitting dead or alive, i will be hitting dead or alive, i will be hittingthe road this summer for the the road this summer for the the road this summer for the june gloom tour. june gloom tour.

june gloom tour. yeah, that's going to be yeah, that's going to be yeah, that's going to be awesome. awesome. awesome. oh, i don't know where you live, oh, i don't know where you live, oh, i don't know where you live,but i will probably be there. but i will probably be there. but i will probably be there. with me, special guest jerrod

with me, special guest jerrod with me, special guest jerrod charmichael. charmichael. charmichael.i am pretty sure that is bill i am pretty sure that is bill i am pretty sure that is bill bellamy. bellamy. bellamy. i'll get an up-to-date headshot i'll get an up-to-date headshot

i'll get an up-to-date headshot of jerrod next week. of jerrod next week. of jerrod next week.presale starts tomorrow! presale starts tomorrow! presale starts tomorrow! as a lot of you know, i recently as a lot of you know, i recently as a lot of you know, i recentlyupgraded to one of those upgraded to one of those upgraded to one of those unlimited texting plans.

unlimited texting plans. unlimited texting plans.and to celebrate, i created a and to celebrate, i created a and to celebrate, i created a new segment called textual new segment called textual new segment called textual harassment. harassment. harassment.here's how it works: i took a here's how it works: i took a

here's how it works: i took a sexually revealing photo of sexually revealing photo of sexually revealing photo of myself with the message -- myself with the message -- myself with the message -- -- "plus you makes three." -- "plus you makes three." -- "plus you makes three." i was planning to send it to a i was planning to send it to a i was planning to send it to a bunch of random phone numbers to

bunch of random phone numbers to bunch of random phone numbers tosee what kind of responses i see what kind of responses i see what kind of responses i would get. would get. would get.solid bits what you're thinking, solid bits what you're thinking, solid bits what you're thinking,right? right?

right? wrong! wrong! wrong!immediate backfire. immediate backfire. immediate backfire.here's the first reply i got. here's the first reply i got. here's the first reply i got. "hey asshole, you sent this to "hey asshole, you sent this to "hey asshole, you sent this to my 9-year-old daughter."

my 9-year-old daughter." my 9-year-old daughter."ooh. ooh. ooh. naturally, i replied naturally, i replied naturally, i replied "sorry." "sorry." "sorry." because i know when a line has because i know when a line has

because i know when a line has been crossed. been crossed. been crossed.but then he said -- but then he said -- but then he said -- -- "[bleep] off!" -- "[bleep] off!" -- "[bleep] off!"so, i wrote back -- so, i wrote back -- so, i wrote back -- -- "why does your 9-year-old

-- "why does your 9-year-old -- "why does your 9-year-old daughter have a phone? daughter have a phone? daughter have a phone? that's bad parenting." that's bad parenting." that's bad parenting."now it's time to say goodnight, now it's time to say goodnight, now it's time to say goodnight, but before i go i will leave you but before i go i will leave you

but before i go i will leave youwith one question, "where's with one question, "where's with one question, "where'sdaniel?" daniel?" daniel?" don't make me put your head in don't make me put your head in don't make me put your head in the blender. the blender. the blender.no dog ever peed on a moving

no dog ever peed on a moving no dog ever peed on a moving car. car.