Breast Cancer Hoodie

kyle mooney: live from losangeles, california, all the dreams come true, the big livecomedy one with eric andre, beardyman, hannibal buress,jerrod carmichael, shane dawson, jon dore, epic rapbattles of history, the fine brothers, dax flame, garfunkeland oates, the gregory brothers, pete holmes, the keyof awesome, kyle kinane, lil bub, the lonely island, jackmcbrayer, harley morenstein rhett and link, seth rogen, jeffross, sarah silverman, smosh, three loco, tim and eric,toby turner, tummy talk,

vince vaughn, reggie watts,justin willman, owen wilson, workaholics adam devine andblake anderson, fidlar. she's been calledthe voice of a generation by doodoo magazine. please welcome sarahsilverman. sarah silverman: come on,there's a lot of show. there's a lot of show,all right? hey, everybody. it's me, your friendlyneighborhood sarah silverman.

and i'm here to say,welcome to the internet, the wild west. you always hear peoplesay that, right? the internet is likethe wild west. that's because itis, all right? it's totally unregulated. so i thought it would be coolto see just how far we could go without any consequences. what do you think?

all right. well, for starters, i know thatit's highly illegal to impersonate a federalemployee, all right? oh shit, look at me. i am a mail man, you guys. i swear to god. i swear to god, iam a mail man. i deliver mail for the unitedstates postal service. i cover the 03110 zip code ofbedford, new hampshire.

and oh shit, look at this,special delivery, y'all. candy. looks like snickers. [applause] seth rogen: how's it going? good to see you. sarah silverman: what's up? seth rogen: i want in on this. this looks fun.

i want in on this action. sarah silverman: yeah,let's do it. seth rogen: yeah. i need in. i want in. sarah silverman: whatdo you got? seth rogen: tell youwhat i've got. i got a bootlegged copy,pirated, "star trek into darkness." if the fbi knows wewatched this, we get five

years right away. let's watch this. sarah silverman: let's do it. seth rogen: nice. let's shove it in there. sarah silverman: perfect. seth rogen: sure, boom. sarah silverman: allright, it's in. seth rogen: ok, play.

nice, it's working. i love this. greatest logo ever. here we go. sarah silverman: bad robot! seth rogen: oh, it's working. this is great. fucking eat my dick, fbi. sarah silverman: wellsaid, friend-o.

seth rogen: thankyou very much. this is so much much. what else can we do? it's so much fun. sarah silverman: yeah,of course it's fun. it's like we can doanything here. it's delicious cyber anarchy. seth rogen: it really is. armen weitzman: here's yourcoffee, mrs. silverman.

sarah silverman: oh,thank you, armen. armen weitzman: thanks. sarah silverman: armen, wait,let me give you a tip. armen weitzman: oh,thank you, a tip. sarah silverman: you'rea good guy, right? armen weitzman: yeah. sarah silverman: you're asweet heart of a guy. armen weitzman: thank you. sarah silverman: eat it.

eat a fucking dick. seth rogen: oh my god! sarah silverman: eata fucking dick. seth rogen: oh god. oh jesus! sarah silverman: eata dick, fbi! seth rogen: no, no, no, no. jesus, sarah, no. sarah silverman: suck my dick!

seth rogen: no, the fbishould not eat a dick. he's dead. you just killed a productionassistant. sarah silverman: oh,what is this? "the guild trip" part deux? seth rogen: ok, ha ha ha. sarah silverman: what isthis? "the guilt trip" too boring too watch? seth rogen: ok, sarah,i'm serious.

jesus christ. a man is dead now. sarah silverman: (mocking)a man is-- seth rogen: he's dead. sarah silverman: oh. oh my god. sarah silverman: oh no. oh no. fuck, oh shit, kid, wake up.

oh god. i'm sorry. seth rogen: oh, jesus. that's not going to-- sarah silverman: whyare you bleeding? oh fuck. seth rogen: it's notgoing to work. i have to call thecops now, sarah. i've got to--

sarah silverman: no. no. don't call the cops. seth rogen: i haveto call the cops. then i have to do this. seth rogen: no, sarah,don't, don't. chill out. don't do something you'llregret, ok? sarah silverman: oh, don'tdo something i'll regret?

seth rogen: yes. sarah silverman: don't dosomething i'll regret? seth, don't you think it's alittle too fucking late for that, you graveling, throwit in, laughing fuck? [yelling] seth rogen: sarah,oh, you cunt! sarah silverman: whoa. that stung. that really--

you know, it's justso misogynistic. i guess everybody has liketheir trigger words? that was my trigger word. seth rogen: well, i'm sorry. i guess i'm sorry, ok? sarah silverman: no problem. listen, we're here testingboundaries. that's what we're here for. and i guess we found ourceiling, you know?

seth rogen: the ceilingis cunt. the cunt ceiling. sarah silverman: infamouscunt ceiling. seth rogen: the cunt ceiling. oh, shit. sarah silverman: oh god. well, now we know. and i'm so sorryi stabbed you. that was shitty.

seth rogen: it's ok. at least you didn't slit mythroat and kill me, you know? sarah silverman: good point. seth rogen: good point. i think you made the good pointinto his trachea, right? sarah silverman: you are sogood with world play. seth rogen: thank you. i try, i try. sarah silverman: i'm soglad we're friends.

seth rogen: i am too, sarah. what do you say we get theshow started, huh? sarah silverman: greatidea, seth. seth rogen: awesome. sarah silverman: ladies andgentlemen, hold in all your pee and poo and put your handstogether for the world's premiere video of thenew lonely island song, diaper money. the lonely island: we've beenhere for a minute now.

this some grown man shit. i've got that diaper money. i've got that diapermoney, dude. i'm a grown ass man. i know i got that diaper money'cause my kids need to shit. so i stay on my hustle to keepmy pocketbook thick. i got papers and papersand papes all for my baby's mistakes. just sold my car forsome drapes.

don't get shit on 'em. i've got that wife pussy. i've got that pussy on lock. i've got that wife pussyon lock 24/7. whenever she lets me, i'min same pussy heaven. and the best part about it isno one else can have it. and also, i can't have it,unless she says i can. see a girl on the street, man,i can't, so i won't. see my wife at home, and iwould, but she hates my guts.

wife pussy, i've gotthat wife pussy. i've got that grave plot. it's right off the highway. wobbedy wobbedy wobbedy dropinto my grave plot. you afraid of death? well, i'm afraid not. because i got the bomb spotright off the highway. i did it my way, a very smallpercent of the dime way. i've got my coffin picked out.

styrofoam painted likewood, tricked out. it's even got handlesto lower me smooth. and my tombstone onlyhas minimal typos. grave plot, i've gotthat grave plot. i've got that grave plot,right next to my dad. all right, spring break, doyou know what time it is? i'm going to need all thehot girls to come on the stage right now. fellas, let me hear youmake some noise.

kings of the pussy, poundingon brewskies. banging chicks rightthere in the sand. bros before hoes and chicks withno clothes and slamming shots and marry a man. who wanna do a shot? we do. i'm going to get fucked up. me too. we came for a week.

we the kings of the beach. t-shirt, see through. cancun, party down. lauderdale, another round. havasu, crack a brew. marry a man. cranks when you're passed out,jokes about roofies. making girls kiss,marry a man. giant sombreros, showus your titties.

creatine shakes, marry a man. oh shit, i'm too fucked up. puke and rally, that'swhat's up. booze cruise, raiseyour glass. snort that coke off her ass. two chicks at the dance hall,take it to the dance stall. trade these beadsfor their bras. so-co in my canteen, got girlsjumping on trampoline. two men bound by the law.

trashy motel rooms, cloggingup toilets. beer goggles if she's a hag. planning the menu, pickingout flowers. nailing sluts and writingour vows. down here, it's our time. spring breakers, let'sget fucked up. then find mr. right andget monogamous. picking our invite font as atwosome, something tasteful but not too bland.

seating arrangements, charmingthe in-laws. ripping beer pong,sex with a man. we'll be so happy, truelove forever. two kings walkinghand in hand. promise to cherish, trust, andrespect him, crushing pussy, marry a man. spring break. t-pain. aw, shit.

get your tails ready. it's about to go down. everybody in the frontto the fucking deck. stand on your motherfuckingtoes. we running this, let's go. i'm on a bat. i'm on a boat, everybody. look at me, 'cause i'msailing on a boat. i'm on a boat.

take a good, hard look atthe motherfucking boat. t-pain: yeah, yeah. i never thought i'dbe on a boat. it's a big, blue watery road. poseidon, look at me. the lonely island: allhands on deck. t-pain: i never thought i'd seethe day when a big boat coming my way. believe me when i say,i fucked a mermaid.

the lonely island:i'm on a boat. everybody look at me, becausei'm sailing on a boat. so take a good, hard look atthe motherfucking boat. fatal farm: no thanks,no thank you. male speaker: i do areally good job. fatal farm: really, i'mnot interested. ok? [engine revs] he just flew away.

kyle mooney: this next act,no, this next act isn't-- oh, sorry. i messed up. you know, this next act isn'twhat i had for breakfast. it's garfunkel and oates. i didn't know if that--was it still me? garfunkel and oates: hi. what's up, guys, how are you? so in this song, we play thesame woman two years apart.

i'm 29. and i'm 31. so same woman, two years apart,singing about love. this song is called 29 31. for the first time in mylife, i see it clearly. i realize the powerof being a woman. 29 years old and time'son my side. i'm in my prime. i've hit my stride.

i've got so much charismaand so many options. it's nice to alwayshave my pick. there's nobody left. i'm all alone. i'm at the top of my game. possibilities are endless. and i just feel really pretty. i'm holding out for someonewho meets my standards. won't settle for anythingless than perfect.

i know what i want. and i can have it. i'm surrounded bylove and peace. why did i wait? what's wrong with me? in two short years, i'mgoing to be 33. who the hell willwant me then? my ovaries are shrinking. i'm disgusting and everyonefeels bad for me.

and i never get invited todinner parties anymore. things unfold when they'resupposed to, because everything happensfor a reason. it'll happen for me wheni'm not even looking. he'll just appear, andi'll just know. and he'll love me foreverwithout any work. who needs to try when thingsare meant to be? i'm a catch, just look at me. you're such a fucking idiot.

you think you're so specialbecause people tell you that now, but that'll stop whenthey're replaced with looks of pity. my life complete. the world is a buffet of love. oh, what? you think biological realitydoesn't apply to you in your adorable cocoon ofagelessness? well, it does.

while you're just waiting aroundand focusing on you, guess what? you're going to miss yourfucking window. everything happensfor a reason. you know i truly believe that. yeah, you said that before. oh my god, it does though. what about the haitianearthquake or cellulite on skinny women?

just say, hey universe,i'm ready. it'll happen when youleast expect it. well, i don't expectit at all now. so i guess it's rightaround the corner. maybe you're puttingout the wrong vibe. maybe you're closedoff to love. let me tell you a secret. it's called the secret. there's another secret.

you're an asshole. your negativity is aself-fulfilling prophecy. the reason things go well forme is because of positivity. well, i'm positive fertilityalways begins to atrophy when infantile fantasy eclipsestrue reality. it never once occurredto me that things won't work out perfectly. when god closes a door, yousee, he opens a window. you realize that's a smalleropening, right?

you used to just be able to walkout a door, and now you have to climb out someslightly ajar window somewhere, possiblyfalling like eight stories to your death. that is not an upgrade. you know what else? there's nobody left! so many people on the planet. i'm all alone!

oh my god! i'm really lonely! i'm so happy, i'mreally happy. everthing really suckson this side. ahhh! you get with someone else,do you love yourself? you get with someone else,do you love youself? 'cause life is-- good.

over. thanks, everybody. thanks, guys. we would now like to bringout the next comedian. please welcome the voice of theetrade baby, pete holmes. pete holmes: there's asnickers right there. do you want a snickers? you put your hand outvery entitled like. there you go.

someone stepped on it. good to be here. i'm feeling pretty good. thank you. yeah, all right, just generalenthusiasm, i appreciate that. i'm feeling pretty good, despitethe fact that i ate at subway for lunch. yeah, no i know, i feel that. we all eat there.

it's always crowded. but it is garbage. don't back away. i'm probably going thereafter the show. it's also horrible. it's the worst thingin the world. and you know that. you know when you're in lineat subway, part of you is looking forward toyour sandwich.

but in the back of your brain,you're just like, something fucked up is happening here. can't quite put myfinger on it. but the call is coming frominside the house. it's bad. you know this. everything at subwaytastes the same. it all tastes the way therestaurant smells-- that vague, cardboard,sawdust smell.

everything, it doesn't matterwhat you order, a sandwich, your soda, the receipt, it'ssaturated in that smell. and they do it infront of you. that's their big idea,like you're a king. choose from the bounty. 'tis been a good year. more orange tomatoes,my liege? and they shouldn't. have you ever, for the love ofgod, been in the subway when

they run out of turkey? they don't just flick the lightsoff, perfect blackness, flick them back on, andhave more turkey. that's what they should do. what they do do is reach downinto the bowels of hell, making unbreaking eye contactlike a college freshman playing hey there delilah onthe acoustic, just looking through you. and they pull out another shrinkwrapped plastic tube of

turkey, with all the pieces theexact same size, laser cut like coasters, with a fake skinairbrushed on the side. they cut it out with thatlittle yellow knife. satan's ass air is released. they're just like, threedisgusting pieces. we're just schmucks. like oh, could i getdouble meat? they're like, yeah, peelingthem off like ones from satan's bank roll, everythingsitting on those black, open

air, s&m containers. you can see your reflectionin the wet ham. it's gross. you shouldn't be able to watchsomeone make something so disgusting. bring it from the back. that's what the back is for. if this is what they're doingin the front, what the hell are they doing in the back?

just shaving a gorilla, like,new low fat gorilla bread. jared's naked up tohere in marinara. eat fresh. you can write your ownmeatballs joke. i can't do everything. very excited, there's magicianson this show. did you know that? did you know you're goingto see magic? i'm stoked.

i love magic. but i am very, very gratefulthat i'm not a magician. have you ever taken a moment tobe grateful that you're not a magician? i can come out and be like look,i stepped on a snickers. you want it, you entitledperson? i can do whatever i want. i'm just a hammyguy, it's fine. a magician has to be magic.

are you listening? magic, the thing thatnone of us are. that is a lot of pressure. backstage, you're just someregular guy named verne, eating nachos. like yeah, it's a prettygood house. pretty good, yeah. the food's half off, myparents are here. putting a bird in your sleeve.

it's going to be a good show. and they're like, ladies andgentleman, excelsior. you're like, excuse me. covered in silk, like i was bornon the tip of a pyramid. owls landing on you. you're just fucking verne,the nacho guy. and comedy audiencesare great. you guys want theshow to be good. magic is the only kind ofentertainment where 99% of the

audience is trying to ruinthe show for themselves. go to a magic show, just a seaof close minded, threatened dudes that are just like, no. no way. that ain't possible. it's probably a mirror, right? it's a mirror. you can't saw her in half. shit's illegal.

yeah, you did it. you proved what no one elsewas trying to prove. the boy on stage isn'tactually a wizard. good job. it cost you $35 toget in here. not me, i love magic. look at my friendly,open face. i sit in the front. you think i volunteer?

you're goddamn righti volunteer. magician drops a fake thumb,i didn't see shit. i live in a non-magicworld all day. make it magic. i saw a man fly ata magic show. i didn't misspeak. i saw a man fly. a wingless mammal took flight. can you imagine ifi flew right now?

if i could just figure out themuscle in my ass to flex? i pick fucking snickersgirl up, and we fly around the room? best night of our lives. and i saw this. and suddenly, i'm eightyears old again. and i'm filled with majestyand wonder. and as i'm watching this manfly, a guy next to me, i don't know this guy, who's this guy,leans over to me and goes,

it's a magnet. magnet. no man can fly. two things. first of all, shut up. shut your mouth, and justenjoy the show. two, magnet? that doesn't explain shit. what does that mean, magnets?

he's got magnetsin his pocket? the stage is a magnet? that would look horrible. i think those are just twothings he doesn't understand. like, i don't get magnets,and i don't get this. this is magnets. thank you very much,everybody. that's my time. appreciate that,appreciate it.

we're going to keepthis going. i've got to tell you, this showis so great that even our warm up guy is one of myabsolute favorite comedians. is he in the house? steven brody stevens. brody! yes. energy. brody stevens: you got it.

pete holmes: brody has a showcoming out on comedy central. it's going to be comedycentral's first drama. brody, i've got to tell you,i'm very excited about it. brody stevens: me too. very excited. pete holmes: he doesn'thave a mic, but we can still hear him. push, yes. all right, everybody.

let's keep this going. you ready for more show? these next guys are the blueman group of slapping their fat friend. ladies and gentlemen, pleasewelcome tummy talk. tummy talk! these guys have an addiction,because it's a workaholics. ladies and gentlemen,give it up for blake anderson and adam devine.

adam devine: youtube. youtube. there he is, denzelwashington's here. blake anderson: denzelwashington. adam devine: denzelwashington's here. will smith's here. a lot of stars. what's up? let's get weird.

yeah. blake anderson: actually, morelike, let's get cute. all right? let's get really cutetonight, guys. because we've been askedto host the 2013 youtube cute off. adam devine: yep. blake anderson: yeah. adam devine: i'm actually alittle butt hurt that they

didn't ask me to be aparticipant in the cute off. because i feel like i've beenlooking really cute lately. blake anderson: he has. he looks fucking really cute. adam devine: no, i know. i'm looking reallyfucking cute. i know that about myself. blake anderson: reallyfucking cute, man. very cute.

but let's introduceour competitors. adam devine: sure. blake anderson: first, fromouter space, weighing in at four pounds, lil bub. look at his eyeballs. adam devine: oh my god,he's so cute. oh my god, he's so cute. and his opponent, from conyers, georgia, weighing in at--

i feel that's rude to ask. blake anderson: itis a little bit. adam devine: becausehe could be in a chubby phase right now. maybe he doesn't want peopleto know how much he weighs. blake anderson: true. adam devine: let's giveit up for lil jack mcbrayer, everybody. blake anderson: ok, ok, ok.

adam devine: so cute. blake anderson: very cute. round one. give us your most adorableface, go. adam devine: adorableface off, go! lil bub, oh my god,that is cute. oh, look, he's so tiny. his tongue's out. his eyes are huge.

that is so cute. cute overload. blake anderson: oh my god. adam devine: oh my god. oh! oh, he's so fucking cute. he's so cute. blake anderson: oh man, thisis going to be tough. i don't know whichone to shoot.

adam devine: please don't-- you don't shoot them. let's just move on tothe next round. and that next round, dare isay it, overall cuteness. go! [screaming] oh, i don't know, i don'tknow which is cuter. he's so cute, a lollipop! blake anderson: i don't know,this is really tough.

maybe we should makethem do something. adam devine: i don't knowif that's possible. they're both cats. you can't just make catsdo whatever you want. except, i don't know, this isjust a genius move that i just thought of and had thempreplan, maybe-- play with yarn. blake anderson: ilike that idea. adam devine: play with yarn!

oh my god, that is so cute. he doesn't know what todo with the yarn. lil bub's a littledisinterested. will that count against him? lil bub doesn't seem to wantto play with the yarn. blake anderson: how are wassupposed to pick a winner? aww! adam devine: did he just die? blake anderson: oh man,they are just both so

unbelievably cute. how are we going topick a winner? adam devine: well,i don't know. i feel like we have to. let's deliberate real quick,just me and you. blake anderson: ilike his tongue. his tongue's cute too, though. adam devine: he also hasa very cute tongue. ok, you know what?

ok, only one could win. and the winner we choose wonour hearts despite having heart worms. the winner of the 2013 youtubecute off and a year's supply of fancy feast is lil jackmcbrayer, everybody. congratulations. what a cutie. jack mcbrayer: thank you. thank you very much.

but you know i'm notreally a cat. blake anderson: it'sa talking cat! adam devine: it'sa talking cat! adam devine: it'sa talking cat. blake anderson: we'regoing viral. we're going viral. male speaker: i'm a hugefan of you guys, i just wanted to say. adam devine: thankyou guys so much.

thanks for tuning in. pyrotechnics start now. female speaker: [inaudible] havethe confidence to say no. [music playing] the fine brothers: hi. we're the fine brothers. for those of you who don't knowus, we have a youtube channel where we produce a wholeton of different shows. one of those shows is calledspoiler alert, where we spoil

the endings of movies, tv shows,youtube videos, and more, all in one takeand under a certain amount of minutes. like, we'll ruin the endingsof 100 horror movies in four minutes. now that you get it, consideryourselves warned. last night, we stole thescript to this show. so we're about to spoil the restof tonight's festivities by giving away all the surprisesthe other acts have

in store for you. in one take. in under one minute. starting now. betty white gets shotout of a cannon. russell brand premiershis new scarf. ryan gosling finally eats allthat cereal people have been wanting him to eat. zach galifianakis revealshis downstairs beard.

kim jong performs his newsingle, the jong song, jong jong, jong jong jong jong. weird al sings his version ofpassion pit's "carried away" called "married and gay." after taking over two moviefranchises, jj abrams will start an arby's franchise andchange his name to jj arby's. david blaine levitates usingonly the power of his mind. john hamm levitates using onlythe power of his penis. amanda bynes premiers thetrailer of the documentary

she's been filmingall this time, directed by joaquin phoenix. someone makes a joke aboutangelina jolie that is far too soon. zooey deschanel gets bulliedfor being too adorkable. we get beat up by zooeydeschanel at the after party for making that stupid joke. everyone on this list endsup hating us forever. we never work in hollywoodever again.

every day, we ponder why weever agreed to do this. our life loses all meaning andwe wander the streets and ultimately become homeless. and every day, we try to liftour spirits back up by watching baby sloth videosthrough the windows at a best buy to no avail. then we realize none ofthese celebrities are even here tonight. but here's someone who is.

please welcome the starof his own show on adult swim, eric andre. eric andre: thank you. where's the mark? who knows. am i on my mark? i was supposed to come out ona camel, but camels fucking hate people. so i don't know if thatfucked up their job,

but who gives a shit. we're all going to die oneday, right, internet? we're all going to die. all right, i am sohigh right now. i went home to boca raton,florida to visit my parents. yeah, boca in the house. boca's where your grandparentsgo to die, if you don't know. it's god's waiting room. i went home to visitmy parents.

and i text messaged this girlkerri that i used to hook up with back in the day. right when i landed, i textedher, come over. because i am a class actgentleman that cuts straight to the chase. ladies, question mark? and she didn't respondto that. come over, my penis and yourvagina should hang out. she didn't respondto my subtleties.

so i wrote her again, and i waslike, are you mad at me? and then she goes, no, sorry. i'm in colorado withmy boyfriend. no big deal. i didn't know she was ina different state. i didn't know shehad a boyfriend. pretty benign conversation,right, asian guy in the third row? you know what i'mtalking about?

so then, i go, come over, areyou mad at me, no sorry, i'm in colorado with my boyfriend. not a big deal. then i get a text from anumber i don't know. hi. and i write, who is this? and they go, areyou a comedian? and i'm like, yes. another fan, besides my mom.

then they go, i'm casey,kerri's boyfriend. ruh roh. and i swear to god, i'mnot making this up. i'll text each andevery one of you. can you see that, camera 2? can you see? i'll text each and every oneof you after the show. this is a real story. then i'll go back to lyingcompulsively right afterwards.

so i'm casey, kerri'sboyfriend. i got a joke for you. this guy keeps bothering mygirlfriend to the point where i get involved. want to know the punchline? keep it up. you'll find out. swear to god this is a realconversation happening between two people.

you're the most beautifulwoman i've ever seen in my life. you know what i'mtalking about. so then i write backto the guy. i go, what are you, dude, a badguy from a spring break movie from the '80s? because who in the fucktalks like that? see you on the k12, myer. so then he writes allthis shit back.

eric, i'm normally apretty civil guy. you asking my girlfriendto come over? that's funny. we can go back and forth, buti'd rather not waste my time. leave kerri alone. don't call her, don'ttext her. because you're not her friend,just a one hit wonder from her past. i'm willing to just forgeteverything, including your

name, number, et cetera. let's end this, dotdot dot, now. so i just put, dotdot dot, or else. and i was like, hey man, whereyou texting me from? the cobra kai dojo, youfucking weirdo? you're just a one hitwonder for her past. that doesn't make sensein that context. i'm sick of my girlfriendfucking all these one hit wonders, man.

she fucked you. she fucked chumbawumba. i've had enough. so anyway, five minuteslater, i texted the girl back, come over. all right, thank you so much. good night! oh man. fuck.

the gregory brothers:carl, hey. welcome back from vacation. it was amazing, man. eight years in the andes. es paraiso. wow, eight years. our company has the bestvacation policy. yeah, i just feel so refreshedand ready to really focus. be warned.

the world has changeda lot since 2005. check this out. yeah, laptops. i had a laptop before i moved. did this one comewith wireless? this isn't aboutlaptops, carl. oh. i'm talking aboutyoutube, carl. could this be whati think it is?

yes it is. holy moly. but before you click, think realhard before you do that. if you don't slow down, youcould get whiplash. what'd you say? i was watching cute cats. and have you seen the one withthe little girl's rat? wait, hold up, don'tgo too fast. once you dive in, youcan never turn back.

life will never be thesame now that i've seen chocolate rain. and i never knew a goat couldscream like that, or the simple pleasures ofa pop-tart cat. oh, youtube. i can stay and play, watchingtrololo for 10 hours straight. that's a good one. refreshing pewdiepie's page,until we die of old age. first you get sucked in bydubstep dance, then there's

people in the subwaywho wear no pants. you might start small with alaughing baby, then you end up singing with "call me maybe" i just got trigonometry, and howto put bacon in lasagna. people share the life lessonof the [inaudible]. or they just stuff thingsinto a blender. life won't be the same again. now that i can waitfor all of it. and i never even knew thatpandas sneeze, or how my

eyebrows should be tweezed. i can stay up late, watchingdrive-thru pranks for 10 hours straight. so addictive. refreshing jenna marbles's pageuntil we die of old age. how did we live life before wesaw gandalf versus dumbledore? i always wanted to knowhow a ninja fights. and what pokemon wouldbe like in real life. i can stay up late, watchingjedi a-holes

refreshing lonely island's pageuntil we die of old age. i could stay up late, watchingphilly d and ray, i could stay up late, watchingjohn and hank. um, could you guys keepit down in here? you've been singingfor five years. and there's some others whowould like to use this room. oh, it's 2018. i've got to go toa meeting, guys. 2018.

i'm retired. male speaker: allright, oh man. there's about to be toomany beards on stage. two whole beards. dang it, i like that. what am i introducing,pirates or something? no, i'm not. it's reggie wattsand beardyman. and make some noise.

beardyman: quadrilangro. reggie watts: we began[inaudible] two years, partners here. beardyman: this is asong of marmosets. reggie watts: so[speaking nonsense language] beardyman:[speaking nonsense language] [loops speech in sampler] reggie watts:[speaking nonsense language] beardyman: up in monitor,please.

[speaking nonsense language] [singing stream ofconsciousness] reggie up in my monitor, yo. hey, can you feel it, yeah. yo, audience at home, audiencein the room, make some noise. it's like this, y'all. so reggie, did you enjoy that? reggie watts: yeah, it'sa totally good jam. all of it, live, now.

exciting. beardyman: it's so exciting. it's all happening now. it's all completely live. none of this is[speaking nonsense language] beardyman. beardyman: america's[speaking nonsense language] reggie watts. beardyman:[speaking foreign language]

reggie watts: 6500 in the 30 and6, everybody knows you be sucking them dicks, kickingthem dicks, detaching that shit. put it on a plate withsome other shit that looks like dicks. yeah, everybody likes a dick. the shape of a dickis unmistakable. take that dick, everybodyknows what to do with that dick.

stuff it in a jar, what, comeon, come on, come on. beardyman: yeah, that's right. he ain't lying, but i'mfrying my brain. every day it's insane. all i do is open up my head,take out my cranium, put it on some bread. yeah, put some butter on it. do i put on jam? no, but you callit jelly, what?

rf frequencies interference. oh my god, checkingsystems, stat. back along by moonscam clams. oh, do you rememberthe mansom clams? reggie watts: i rememberthe mansen twins. and i just have to say that iloved all of their work up until about '84. beardyman: yeah, really,they're too much sampling, i think.

they use too much like,[making laser sounds] reggie watts: whatever. fleetwood mac did that. beardyman: hey, whatabout this? reggie watts: time, a neverending conundrum. can you feel it? wrap it up, yo. everybody knows you got onlycertain amount of time. if you got a do it, you cannever figure out a rhyme.

if you want to do it, you cannever wipe off the grime. grime like you're grimy, likeyou wouldn't ever tell me why. everybody, everybody knowsyou've got only certain amount of time. if you've got to do it, you cannever figure out a rhyme. cat: how many of you guyshere have seen a cat lick its own asshole? oh, that's not actuallya joke. i'm just trying to keepheads of who's a

fucking pervert here. ian hecox: hey. i'm ian. anthony padilla: andi'm anthony. and when we were asked to appearat this live event, we were like, what do youwant us to do? ian hecox: and they said,be yourselves. anthony padilla: we said, ok. so now we're going to give youa tutorial about how to

introduce a gueston a live show. ian hecox: first, you haveto upload a video to youtube in 2005. anthony padilla:very important. ian hecox: and then you justkeep making videos. doesn't really matterwhat they are. lip sync videos, videos aboutvideo games, whatever, as long as they kick ass. anthony padilla: step two,have awesome hair.

if you have great hair, peoplewant to watch you. sometimes they want to touchyou inappropriately. john stamos knows whati'm talking about. that guy has had greathair forever. ian hecox: dude, totally. anthony padilla: full house? ian hecox: yeah. anthony padilla: that. ian hecox: step three is bebooked on a live show.

and this is kind of important. anthony padilla: arguablythe most important part. ian hecox: and i mean, you can'tjust get up here and do something crazy. you're not kanye. so don't fucking do that. anthony padilla: oh, yeah. have a good rapportwith your partner. ian hecox: what's up?

anthony padilla: allright, check. and most importantly, introducethe person together. ian hecox: all right. ladies and gentlemen,put your hands together for kyle kinane. kyle kinane: good withtheir music. how's it going, guys? youtube, huh? did you see that cat earlierwith the tongue?

it was adorable. it was like it had a littlekitten stroke. that's nice. let's exploit that, youtube. looking forward to all the14-year-old dick heads calling me a homo in the commentssection after this. that's what we'regoing to get. youtube, where christiansgo to see tits. ok.

i'll make it quick. i'll just check the barometerof the room. see if you'll getalong with me. i'll just let you knowabout myself. last sunday, i picked my nose. it's what you do. it happens, right? it's your finger,it's your nose. they fit.

why not, go for it. love yourself. and i didn't want to wipe it onmy couch, because i'm not an asshole. i was too lazy to go and getup and get a kleenex. so i put it back in my nose. if you think that's funny, we'regoing to get along for the next five minutes. if not, maybe you want to goto the bathroom and grab a

smoke break. i don't know. i recently experienced a defeatdisguised as a victory. i don't know if it's everhappened to you. my friend was like, what do gotgoing on tomorrow morning? i was like, i don't haveto wake up for nothing. i don't have to wakeup for nothing. literally nothing requiresmy existence tomorrow. tomorrow, i could just not be.

that's like an optimistic way tosay, what do you got going on tomorrow morning? i could die in my sleep. it wouldn't matter. awesome. this is a fancy show. i don't think i belong. i feel like a fart ina tuxedo up here. this is nice.

for more information about me,i just stopped getting diarrhea, which wouldbe great, but i didn't change my lifestyle. you know how you drive yourcar around with the check engine light? and then the check engine lightgoes off, but you didn't fix your car? that just means that that's mybody's way of saying, you're not heeding warning signs.

enjoy the last six monthsof your life. that's what we'll get into. like socially, this should makeit easier to be social, stuff like this. you go out, you talk topeople every night. it should be getting easier. but instead, more and more, ijust feel like i'm backed into a corner with bright lights onme, and i'm just trying to defend myself.

like every night's anaway gave, you know? this is where i'm at socially. not too long ago, i saidgod bless you to a cat. it's not like i was in a roomwith people and cats and i heard a sneeze, andmy gentlemanly instinct kicked in. i was just alone in a room witha cat, which was already a day in my life. i'm just alone, not my room, notmy cat, just sitting on a

futon with a cat. he's looking one way, i'mlooking the other. we're just looking foranswers, you know? the cat sneezed. and then it was quiet. and that made me feeluncomfortable. because i was raised right. so i was like, i shouldsay something. i'm like, but it's a cat.

yeah, but we're allgod's creatures. so i'm like, all right,i'm going for it. and i was like, god bless you. and the cat looked at me. because that's what they do. cats look at the originsof sounds. but they also have very,very judgmental faces. so this cat looked at me. and instantly, i knew it waslike, listen man, i think you

say stuff like god bless you. you know i don't have a beliefsystem put into place that would require you to mentionsome sort of deity. i think you say these thingsto convince yourself that you're a good person,with your pleases and your thank yous. but deep down, you're tryingto hide some darkness. that's what you'resaying there. furthermore, i was worshippedin ancient egypt as a god.

if i need to bless myself,i can bless myself. that's how it works with me. it actually comesin very handy. i sneeze all the time. i'm covered in cat hair. and my response to that waslike, well then, go fuck yourself, cat. but if you were just a fly onthe wall, you just saw me in a room go, god bless you, cat.

go fuck yourself, cat. and that's why i don'tsocialize well. that's why this is gettingmore and more difficult for me. i was on an elevator. guy got on the elevator,regular looking dude. and doors closed. and he looked at me, said,you smell nice. and i said, thank you.

because i don't hearthat ever. i smell how i look. that's this. i don't hear compliments. i hear comments. i hear people commenting on thegeneral odor of the area, stuff like, who would leavetaquitos in a golf shoe like that anyway? i hear that kind of stuff.

it's not old spice. it's old spices. it's expired seasonings, somepaprika that somebody kicked under the stove sevenyears ago. that could be it. so i said, thank you. but then this guy, then he kindof showed his cards a bit with the whole thing. because then he kind ofgets a different look.

he goes, you just getout of the shower? ok, all right, that'sa bit forward. that's a man with a plan. now, whereas somebody elseshould take that as a warning and be like, this guy's gotsomething up, i was excited for the opportunity ofconversation, i just went off. i'm like, what do you smell? is it lavender? i'm using a new face scrubthat's lavender.

people are saying it'svery overpowering. they're mistaking itfor a whole shower. but really, it's just my face. tell me, is it lavender? and he just left the elevator. and that's when i realizedthat i had out creeped a creeper in that moment. that's what i had done. my own desperation became a formof self-defense, when i

became too much workfor a pervert. that's what happened. this guy's like, this guy's justgoing to chew through the whole gag and ruinthe van ride. i don't have all day. i just wanted a hump and dump. i'm still waving through theclosing doors, where you going, new friend? don't you want to watch "silver

linings playbook" together? all right, that's it for me. have a good night. thanks. shane dawson: hi. my name is shane dawson. and i've been making videoson youtube since 2006. and a lot's changedsince then. back in '06, the only form ofcomedy on youtube was a

toddler playfully nibbling onhis brother's finger, and a big fat black woman fallingon a coffee table and breaking her ass. and now, we've moved on tobigger and better things, like a different big fat black womanchoking on cinnamon until she almost dies, and abunch of tweenagers shoving condoms up their nose, trying tosniff them into their nasal cavities and then pull themout of their mouths. that's a real thing.

i've done it. it works. everybody, youtubehas evolved. and i think it deservesa slow clap. come on, everybody. too fast, too fast. so tweenagers, take thosecondoms out of your nose and your mouth. you're going to need them.

because here is three loco. three loco: oh my goodness. step in the club, and we'relooking real neato. i'll be getting bitchesin my blue tuxedo. we're neato, like a giraffein a speedo. what's up, sonny? que pasa, mijo? chilling with rihannaout in puerto rico. she ate my coconut, becauseshe thought it was a zico.

i beat up the block like stevenseagal, pour a four in a pellegrino, driving backwardsthrough reno. pointy sided dorito, go ahead,shoot the free throw. i pull up at the casino, candycheetos steamboat. desert eagle, i flashthe buick regal. i pull up on you people,buttercream beetle. neato, neato, neat,neat, neato. we're neato. look mom, we're neato.

look kids, we're neato. we're really neato. neato. in the el camino, i'm back,yeah, tight like burrito. pull on the place,a 10 cent casino. next year, i'm in the movie,quentin tarantino. coast of puerto rico,pizza totino. you got a low self-esteem? you can rent my ego.

neato, burrito, holdthe chorizo. snitches get stitches,shout out to lilo. fuck cocaine, my cock'slike a kilo. and you know i be stackingmore dough than phyllo. your momma sucked mydick, tell her, keep it on the d-low. i keep it underground. you're commercial like vevo. get it andy, get it.

throw it. we're neato, we're neato. neato, butt naked inthe el camino. i'm white like berry,not brown like nino. dirt nasty, don't ask me what'sneat while i'm shitting on the track like wakaflocka seagulls. evil, don't look through thepeephole unless you want to see your grandma sittingon my meat pole. locked up in chino, got shankedby a latino for a bag

for a bag of hot fritos. my dick mas piquito. neato, still whip it like devobecause my dick's short and fat like danny devito. barely legal, hotter than ajalapeno, as she dropped to her knees and didthe tim tebow. we're neato, we're neato,look mom, we're neato. nik nikateen, what, neato. going crazy out here.

fuck you. tear that shit down. tear it down. youtube, i got a new videoon youtube with a picture of my dick. it got 10 million views. tear all that shit down. we love you, youtube. ben schwartz: owen wilson.

owen wilson: how you doing? ben schwartz: vince vaughn. vince vaughn: how are you? ben schwartz: come on,baby, the hottest comedy duo there is. the heat from you guys. wedding crashers, enormous. what i'm trying to do is to getyou guys as the red hot duo in a new movie.

you like this idea? owen wilson: yeah,it makes sense. ben schwartz: vin? vince vaughn: do youhave a good idea? ben schwartz: i've gota project for you that you might love. it's called "the hobbit."enjoy it. read it. owen wilson: "the hobbit."

ben schwartz: "the hobbit." vince vaughn: i don'tunderstand what you're talking about. ben schwartz: ok, buddycomedy, right? vince vaughn: it's nota buddy comedy. i don't want to stepon your feet here. ben schwartz: hold up, you don'twant to step on what? vince vaughn: hold on. ben schwartz: so that's it.

so we got our movie. do i just say green light it? vince vaughn: no. i'm not doing "the hobbit." ben schwartz: sean, we'llcall you back. so not "the hobbit"? not "the hobbit."but tell me why. is it because ofa timing thing? vince vaughn: i think,look, i'm a tall guy.

and hobbits are small. and it doesn't make any sense. owen wilson: i guess somebodyshould let eddie murphy know he can't play a clone. and he can't play the white guyin the barber shop scene in "coming to america." ben schwartz: and i would saydustin hoffman's not a woman, but he played tootsie. you can do this, vv.

you know what i mean? owen wilson: he doesraise a good point. it's about dreaming. that's what film's about. vince vaughn: i understand,owen. owen wilson: we let ourselvesdream a little. vince vaughn: it's not a buddycomedy for me and you. owen wilson: you knowwhat hobbits have? heart.

ben schwartz: oh god. owen wilson: thisguy has heart. ben schwartz: yeah,what about that? owen wilson: andhe can play it. ben schwartz: so whatabout that? let you heart shine andbecome a tiny guy. owen wilson: i love the idea. i love the idea ofplaying gandalf. but throw out someother ideas.

you're right, you're right. ben schwartz: youknow what it is? maybe do a period piece, huh? about a president. about the president. owen wilson: lincoln. ben schwartz: oh! owen wilson: guess who'sfrom illinois? ben schwartz: i can't imagineit's vince vaughn.

owen wilson: yeah. ben schwartz: no, man. vince vaughn: i justdon't think-- owen wilson: you can't sayyou're too big to play that. ben schwartz: put this on forme, just for a minute. owen wilson: come on. oh, do you hear that? the office just turned oval. i feel like i'm staring atthe president right now.

just say four score. owen wilson: although, how wouldthat be a buddy movie? ben schwartz: easy. john wilkes booth. abraham lincoln. vince vaughn: ok, john wilkesbooth and abraham lincoln were not buddies. one was an assassin. owen wilson: no, no, butit gives us an arc.

it gives us someplace to go to. ben schwartz: ok, then were-route it, easily. we make them roommates. makes them buddies. vince vaughn: john wilkesbooth kills lincoln. it's not a buddy comedy. ben schwartz: give me alittle improv maybe. maybe you guys lived together. give me some of that riff magicyou guys do when like,

vinnie says like, uh, sarcastic,and then owen goes, but i'm a hippie. give me some of thatstuff, ok? you're abraham lincoln. you've gotta smile forme, vinnie, jesus christ, a tiny bit. use it. that's great. and then owen, you'rejohn wilkes booth.

you can initiate it. is that impossible? owen wilson: yeah, let'stry this one. you know, i have abig date tonight. and i need my lucky hat. i can't find it. it's this hat. where would it be? vince vaughn: here's you hat.

here's your hat, roommate. take it. owen wilson: here we go. and scene. yeah, ok, but now letme play gandalf. ben schwartz: right into it. owen wilson: give me abetter hat, though. ben schwartz: gandalf, plop thaton and see what happens. owen wilson: ok, put this on.

ben schwartz: go, go, go. vince vaughn: honestly. owen wilson: give me a pipe. because i'm going to smoke someof that buckshire weed. oh, oh, where's my littlehobbit friend? ben schwartz: yeah,talk like an old jewish man, that's good. good, good, good. owen wilson: where's mylittle hobbit friend?

ben schwartz: and vin, you enteras the hobbit friend. owen wilson: oh, there he is. that's the biggest hobbiti've ever seen. ben schwartz: vin, yeah? should we just say yesto this, or no? just tell me. let's put it on speaker phone. vince vaughn: i just don't knowwhat we're doing here. owen wilson: oh god.

it's so exhausting to justlike try and just be tap dancing like fred astaireand have this guy be like doctor no. you're nothing without yourenergy, your enthusiasm. vince vaughn: i thinkthat it's crazy. i think it's crazy. i think i'm wasting my day. ben schwartz: crazy good? finish your sentences.

vince vaughn: crazy terrible. ben schwartz: crazyterrible, i know. what about "48 hours"? vince vaughn: i love "48 hours."we're not going to remake "48 hours." ben schwartz: of coursewe're not. we're going to make our ownoriginal movie that has nothing to do withthat, "41 hours." vince vaughn: is there a cameraor something in here?

is this a joke? ben schwartz: there isa camera right there. but it's for my wife to makesure i'm not cheating on her. it has nothing to do withfilming you guys. i wouldn't cheat on her. vince vaughn: do you haveany original ideas? ben schwartz: i do. vince vaughn: i loveyour enthusiasm. i don't mean to be a downer.

so far we have "the hobbit,"which i don't think is-- let's just refresh. not a buddy comedy. owen wilson: take thedream, put it away. vince vaughn: lincoln, lincoln,lincoln with john wilkes booth? ben schwartz: not yet. vince vaughn: not ever. ben schwartz: we'll pass.

we'll pass. vince vaughn: and now we'retalking about remaking "48 hours" but makingit "42 hours"? ben schwartz: ooh, didi already say that? vince vaughn: yeah. ben schwartz: oh. it's a great idea. ben schwartz: no, it isn't. i'm kidding.

vince vaughn: ok. so what we need is just somesimple kind of fun idea with a fun world to go into, comedy. i'm happy to hear an idea. but i honestly gottaget out of here. ben schwartz: but there'sno watch on your wrist. vince vaughn: i knowthere's not. but i gotta get out of here. ben schwartz: two friends, ok?

already this is amazing, right,that crash weddings. vince vaughn: let's go. ben schwartz: it wasgreat to see you. thanks for coming in. we'll just reschedule. is this a no, or looselyattached? owen wilson: loosely attached. ben schwartz: hey owen. vince vaughn: thank you.

very nice to be here atthe big show here. and yes, it's true. there was a lot of ideas thrownat me and owen after "wedding crashers." and none ofthem really made any sense. it seems like there's a lotof sequels and stuff. so it's nice to actually havean idea and a movie actually about something. and the movie's very funny. but it's also very timely.

and it's very nice tobe with this crowd. this is an attractive crowd. this is a hungry crowd. and this is a sexual crowd. i know what's going on here. i know what's going on. all right, guys, thankyou very much. i'm proud of you. i mean it.

andy samberg: hey. so next up is a video writtenby and starring a 2008 prime time emmy nominee foroutstanding guest actress in a comedy series for her roleas marcy maven on "monk." jorma taccone: you mayremember her from the beginning of the show. she's the queen of jeans. akiva schaffer: thehoodie mcgoodie. andy samberg: the bee's knees.

jorma taccone: the crocodile'sbutt hole. akiva schaffer: the butterflyeffect herself. andy samberg: sarah silvermanand "the perfect night." get off me. sarah silverman: [singing] tonight is the night i'mgoing to celebrate. stay at home, order in, watcha movie, then masturbate. and i'm not goingout to the club. like i've ever evenbeen to a club.

but i got a feeling this isgoing to be a perfect night. will.i.am: it's aperfect night. it's a perfect night. tonight's the night. it's going to be right. it's the perfect night. sarah silverman: i'm stayinghome by myself, don't need anybody else. it's just me, myself, and iwith my puppy by my side.

got my phone for clevertweeting. i just followed michaelkeaton. and i'm tired and i'm lazy. shit's about tonightget crazy. will.i.am: yeah, she walkingin sweatpants. and she watering them plants. and she ordering food becauseshe's not in the mood to wash all them pans. now she taking a bong hit.

and she shaving her armpits. now she looking forsomething that she wanna watch on netflix. sarah silverman: tonightis the night i'm going to celebrate. and you won't find meout at the store. because i'll never evenwalk out the door. but i got a feeling this isgoing to be the perfect night. don't need no heavy bass.

will.i.am: like a club. sarah silverman: just needto watch my face. will.i.am: scrub a dub. sarah silverman: floss myteeth, take a puff, and brush my teeth. will.i.am: no bass. sarah silverman: this ain'tthe time or place. will.i.am: no, it ain't. sarah silverman: i floss myteeth then take a puff then i

brush my teeth. will.i.am: teeth. sarah silverman: drink somecoconut water because hydration is so ill. then i have a dove sensationand i give my dog his pill. almost ready for my beddie, putsome palmer's on my skin. put a youporn on my iphone andi type my search words in. gang, amateur, cum,high fives. i got a feeling this is goingto be a perfect night.

male speaker: wow. i don't remember schoolbeing this cool. does that say that? it's an epic rap battle. sorry. it's the epic rap battlesof history. skrillex: my name isskrillex, man. welcome to the devil's den. i'm a scary monster stompingthis bright and frilly pant.

you're a weirdo, wolfie, intopowdered wigs and poof. and your cousin blew notes onyour little magic flute. your daddy makes the jackson 5look like "the family circus," you might have been a genius. but you died brokeand worthless. i'm rich. my claim to fame is i'm aplaylist, i'm the a list. you're the vainest. kiss my ass, amadeus.

amadeus: was that a verse or didyou just get the hiccups? i'm a prodigy, son. and i'm about to smacka bitch up. my music is 200 years old,and it's still excellent. two more months, the worldwill forget about your skrillexcrement. look at how you dress when youdubstep out of the house. you're an emo steve urkel andyou reek of deadmau5. i am the world's greatestcomposer.

no one knows what you are,except a lonely little troll who knows how to pressa space bar. skrillex: i attack, you decay. can't sustain my releases. sad chain, wolfgang, bangarangyou to pieces. i'm a self-made man, you'rea slave to your pappa. i'm a rock star. mix you with the bassand the drop ya. global, my strobes glowlike chernobyl.

kids explode and get mobile. no one even knows you. i make the whole world move. you play community theater. i gained your same fame fromhome on a blown out speaker. amadeus: oh yes, i heardthat ep, and see, i transcribed it here. tell me, what comes after the68th measure of diarrhea? what kind of drugs doesit take to enjoy this?

no idea. i've seen more complexityin a couch from ikea. from piano to fortissimo, thatmeans soft to very loud, because i'm guessing thatyou didn't know. put down your cubase andpick up a real bow. i rocked harder than you wheni was five years old! male speaker: who won? who's next? you decide.

epic rap battles of history! [honking noise] male speaker: youtube sensationtoby turner. oh, i didn't know he wasgoing to be here. toby turner! toby turner: hi. this is a dramaticsong i wrote. it's actually calleddramatic song. title just came to me.

it felt right. this song sounds dramatic, buti'm bad at writing the words. if you don't speak english,this probably sounds pretty good. you probably think i'msinging about some pretty serious stuff. but in reality, i'm singingabout the lack of stuff i'm singing about. this part's intense andemotional, as long as you

don't understand it. your foreign grandma wouldlove this song. please send it to her. and she'll probably tell herforeign friends about this song her grandson or doctorsent her today. this song might hit charts ina country if parts sounded like coldplay, if the chorussounds like coldplay. then i put some la la la'sin there, la la la la, la la la la.

hopefully your foreigngrandma listens to this song every day. and if she asks you to translatethe lyrics, here's what you say. a perfect translationdoes not exist. well, at least, notin your language. but if you must know,well, picture this. 50 billion rainbows and the sunis setting and the moon is setting also, and you'rethere in a gazebo.

and then god descends fromheaven and he gives you a million dollars. take that feeling. and put it into a song. i could translate wordby word, but that'd take too long. and i've got stuffto do, grandma. i don't have time for this. you gotta trust me, grandma.

this freaking songis the shhh. this is not another song. it's just the intro to thenext performer, whose name is john dore. john dore, john dore,john dore. ladies and gentlemen,john dore. john dore: wow. what a beautiful introduction. and to everyone out therewatching youtube who aren't

watching the tv sets, the ottawasenators did just tie the game to put itinto overtime. no one gives a shit. i understand, i understand. but i do. i care about a lot of things. and i don't know if you've everseen a video of a baby giraffe getting born, but it'sthe most horrifying thing you'll ever see in your life.

it's not like themother helps. doesn't lie down. the mother stands straight up. it's like watching a baby fallout a three story window. and then have to fight its wayout of a gelatinous sac. it's disgusting. so i've written a song on behalfof the baby giraffe. and i hope you like it. it's called mama,bend yo' knees.

it needs lyrics. there's no question. but i like it. that's a great song. it really captures the spiritof the baby giraffe. when i was in the 11th grade,was i in my friend jeff's basement, and did he giveme a bottle of beer? yes, he did. did i chug the beer?

yes, i did. afterwards, jeff startedlaughing. and i said, jeffrey,what amuses you so? and true story, jeff had put twotabs of acid in my beer. fact. for the next half hour,i was fucking furious. for the next six hours,i was the lizard king. and that is also a fact. it can be checked.

i'm not trying to be cute. but then i had to explain to myinnocent, non-drug abusing girlfriend melissa that i'd justtaken two tabs of acid. and that is this same thing astrying to explain to someone you're about to becomea werewolf. there's no difference. melissa, you should go. i'm going to be differentsoon. we never found her body.

no, you didn't let me finish. we never found her body again. now, i don't have a lotof time up here. but i'll tell you this. youtube did ask me ifi would do one of my classic youtube jokes. so here it is for you, one ofmy classic youtube jokes. last week, i went outwith a lovely lady. and i used the date rape drugfor the first time.

but you know what? it just made me really tired. like, i'm not takingthat pill again. part way through the date,i'm getting drowsy. it's like, i'm not going to getany raping done like this. i'm exhausted. classic youtube joke. it wasn't always that way. that is the final editedproduct, all right?

but it went through a lot ofdifferent forms of evolution to become that perfect,concise joke. and i thought for fun tonight,i'd give you a couple of examples of how thatjoke used to go. i remember the first time i toldit, it went like this. hey, everyone. i went out with agirl recently. and i gave her-- or gave me, i gave herthe date rope, not

rope, rape, no, rope. i wish i had a rope. i'd strangle myself. so it went like thatthe first time. wasn't very good. i was very nervous,very young. i remember one time, i wasperforming in a pool hall. and people were playingbilliards, and the joke went like this.

well, last week i went outwith a lovely lady. and i used the date-- um-- sorry, sorry everyone. and i used the uh--oh fuck, come on. guys, enough withthe billiards. i'm trying to tell jokesup here, all right? just leave it. professional on stage, ok?

idiots. anyway, last week i went outwith a lovely lady and i used the-- what are you doing? i didn't mean anything. ow. male speaker: who's funny now? john dore: i didn't mean it. i didn't mean it. i was just tryingto tell a joke.

don't put that up my butt. don't put it up my butt. give me-- ahh! carlie margolis: youtube is thelatest video website to jump into the originalprogramming arena. the site recently announced itsfirst high profile long form venture, a 13 episodedramatic adaptation of the popular video turtlehas sex with shoes.

acclaimed director david fincherhas signed on to direct the hour long pilot,which will reunite him with fight club star edward norton,who's been cast as a high powered new york city attorneywho owns a turtle and a pair of sneakers. according to new york timesmedia analyst david carr, quote, "this is the futureof television. youtube did extensive researchto find out what their users want to see.

turns out, it's 13 hours of aturtle having sex with shoes that you can watch in onesitting." in addition to norton, the series will costarrosario dawson as a no-nonsense district attorney,and academy award nominee paul giamatti as the passionate,grunting voice of the turtle who has sex with mr.norton's shoes. when asked what attracted him tothis project, fincher told rolling stone, quote,"this is the dream come true for a filmmaker.

when i saw the original video,my immediate thoughts were, who is this turtle? why is it having sexwith this shoe? where is this taking place? youtube is allowing us to tella very dark, compelling story here." while the full 13 episode firstseason won't be released until this fall, youtubehas unveiled a teaser trailer for the show.

let's take a look. male speaker: the great thingabout this next performer is that he's next. oh yeah, plus, he'slike a magician. dang. this is justin willman. justin willman: whatis up, youtube? ladies and gentlemen, i'veshrouded myself behind a dark curtain to build suspense.

can i get an ooh, ahh? audience: ooh, ahh. justin willman: there's a dudein the second row with black hair and a blue buttonup shit. what's your name, dude? dude? name, loud, what is it? jesse: jesse. justin willman: jesse.

jesse, you're aboutto get magished. jesse, name any vegetableor fruit. jesse: strawberries. justin willman: strawberry? jesse: yep. justin willman: shit. hello, what's up, youtube? how's it going? this side, what'sup, this side?

this side? give it up for jesse,everybody. one day, that's goingto kill, though. can you imagine? dude says banana? that could have been tonight. but jesse is here. anyway, my name isjustin willman. i am a magician.

this is great to be doinga show in los angeles. los angeles crowd, we'refeeling good? normally, i have to travel. and you can imagine, being amagician going through airport security, it is complicated,with like banana suits and shit. so i actually have a couplehandy tricks to speed up the tsa process. i take all my metal objects,like my phone and my

watch and my ring. and instead of having them on mewhen i go through security and setting off the metaldetector, what i do is i put them in a tsa friendlyenvelope. we pop the watch in there,and the ring in there. perfect. and the phone, you wantto be careful not to scratch the screen. now jesse, do you travel much?

jesse: yeah. justin willman: you do. tsa, they don't havea sense of humor. so when you write not guns,they assume it's guns. and they take whateveryou just gave them, and destroy it. it's cool, though, because ialways still have my ring. and i always stillhave my watch. and i always stillhave my phone.

that's how i travel, people. that's how i travel. magnets. pete holmes, he's right. being a magician in2013 is hard. like, when i was 14, iused to do shows at kids' birthday parties. it was adorable, ok. and i would close the show bypulling a rabbit out of a hat.

people didn't care howthe trick worked. they weren't tryingto bust me. they were just happy therewas a rabbit there. they wanted to pet it. it's cute. but if i did that now, i'd pullthe rabbit out of a hat right here on this stage, youguys would be like, psh, it's up his sleeve. there's a trap door.

how was the bunny treated? and i think that audiences,you guys, have been desensitized partly becauseof the iphone. this is a magical devicethat's in our pockets at all times. it does miracles. we take it for granted. like, i could hold thisthing up to a speaker, it'll tell me the song.

that's magic. 10 years ago, i could'veclosed with that. that would've been awesome. i can say, take me tothe youtube show. using satellites, it'lltake me here. sometimes, it'll makea phone call. it's an amazing device. so what i'd loveto do is this. this is kind of improvised.

but i'm going to see if siri, mylovely assistant, can teach us a magic trick. we're going to merge the classicart of magic in the new world of technology. and if you're with me,give me a hell yes. audience: hell yes. justin willman: ok. i'm going to patch inmy bluetooth to the sound system here.

all right, here we ago. hello, siri. siri: hello, justin. justin willman: can you teachme a magic trick? siri: did you say, teachme a magic trick? justin willman: yes,you're amazing. it's amazing. siri: ok. i will help you create a magictrick using ordinary objects

in your vicinity. siri: what objects doyou have nearby? justin willman: a cloth napkin,banana, bottle of-- siri: perfect. we'll use the cloth napkinand the bandana. justin willman: clothnapkin and a banana. banana. siri: correct. the bandana.

justin willman: banana. siri: pick up the bandana. now fold the bandana in half. siri: trust me, justin. fold it in half. now fold it one more time. take the folded bandana andhide it in your left hand. remember to keep your hand heldin a natural position. this is called palming.

now that you have masteredpalming, we are ready to begin. open up the folded bandana. show the audience it's a regularbandana by waving it up and down. if an audience member does notbelieve it is a real bandana, allow him to wipehis face on it. justin willman: jesse? you good?

siri: pick up the cloth napkinand gather the corners together, forminga makeshift bag. using your free hand, fold thebandana along the creases you made earlier. and drop it into themakeshift bag. from the outside of the napkin,squeeze the bandana into a small little ball. what the audience didn't see isthat you never really put the bandana into thenapkin at all.

you really kept it inyour left hand. remember palming? justin willman: no. siri: now, make amagical gesture. for the big finale, fling openthe napkin and receive your well-deserved applause. justin willman: i'mjustin willman. thank you guys so much. good night.

male speaker: ladiesand gentlemen. ladies and gentlemen, a veryfunny man named jeffrey ross. jeffrey ross: how about ahand for the availables? how you doing, youtubers? it's comedy week, w-e-a-k,am i right? i want to try something alittle bit different. i want to try speed roastingyoutube fans, volunteers from the audience. there's a stairwellright here.

anybody who wants to comeup, this is your chance. i'll take as many people. just come on up right now. let's go, babe. come on. whoa, that might be too many. hold on. the first, like, six. just fuck it, comeup, let's go.

ok, that's good. ok, i think we got enough. that's good, that'sgood, that's good. you have to come up. but forget you guys. no, it's too many. it's too many. it's ok. all right, look at this.

give it up for my volunteers. move down this way. look at this outfit. did you make this yourself? nicole: yes. jeffrey ross: what'syour name? nicole: nicole. jeffrey ross: nicole? i'm already fuckingbored with you.

let's go with you. is this your friendright here? female speaker: nope. jeffrey ross: no? look at you. stand up, you two. look at that. two fives make a 10. speed roasting.

come on, deal with it. what's your name? melissa: melissa. jeffrey ross: melissa, you'realmost fuckable. oh my god, look at that. your balls are hangingdown your skirt. how you doing, sir? male speaker: good. jeffrey ross: look at you.

steroids make you lookretarded, holy shit. i never use the word retarded,but it just seemed to fit with you for some reason. nice shirt. what, do you keep it in yourglove compartment? iron it once in a while. how you doing, babe? female speaker: good,how are you? jeffrey ross: what'sgoing on with you?

female speaker: not much. jeffrey ross: whoyou here with? female speaker: you. jeffrey ross: oh my god. wow. i wouldn't fuck youwith his dick. what's going on? come over here. look at this.

harry potter's blondesomething. don't you tuck your shirtin or something? i don't know why. i just want to beat youup for some reason. it's probably everything. look at you, oh my god. you're like a littlered headed snooki. you're like cookie. and who's this right here?

mckenna: i'm mckenna. jeffrey ross: mckenna? mckenna: yes. jeffrey ross: what'syour story? mckenna: i'm sitting there,and i'm here, and stuff. jeffrey ross: what doyou do all day? mckenna: i don't know. shit. jeffrey ross: shit?

have you seen the two girls,one cup videos? i have a video coming out. it's called one guy, no cup. i just jerk off fortwo minutes. i loved you as the guardin schindler's list. and who's this, your gardener? step up here, sir,how you doing? what's your story, illegalimmigrant? male speaker: work formicrosoft, that's about it.

jeffrey ross: microsoft? you're making people's dicksmicrosoft right now. what do you do for microsoft? male speaker: playvideo games. jeffrey ross: playvideo games? that's your job? you're the fucking coolest guyin this fucking place, man. and who's this lady wearinga piano doily? how you doing?

does your grandma knowyou stole the doily off the grand piano? you're very cute in, like,a horror movie. here, come over here, sir. this guy i know. is this harley? harley from epic mealtime, oh my god. hold on a second, harley. and who's this, your sister?

sir, ma'am, i'm not reallysure what it is. are you ok? i love you on the coverof mad magazine. max: thank you. jeffrey ross: what's yourname, andy milonakis? max: it's max. jeffrey ross: max? all right, take it easy, max. you have the biggest boobs onthis stage right now, do you

realize that? dude, harley, step uphere for a second. i'm such a fan of youryoutube show. have you guys seenepic meal time? how long you beendoing that show? harley: almost threeyears now. jeffrey ross: what videohave you done that's had the most hits? harley: we made a lasagna withabout 45 hamburgers from

different fast foodrestaurants. jeffrey ross: how many peoplehave watched that video? harley: either 15 million peoplewatched it, or three million people watchedit five times. jeffrey ross: wow. that's more hits than rihannatook to the face. it's fucking youtube, relax. that's so cool. and you're kind of fat.

do you eat a lot ofthe shit you make? harley: well, you know, we'renot so different, you and i. except i'm actually paid tolook like a fat slob. you're just a fat slob. i'm happy he's here, though. because now i'm not the onlyperson that smells like cake frosting and arby's. jeffrey ross: i'm gettingroasted by an internet chef. harley: i'd invite you to comecook on our show, except our

set is within 1,000feet of a school yard, so i don't think-- jeffrey ross: not allowedwithin 1,000 feet. you got me on that one. thank you, harley. you're awesome, buddy. how about a hand forall my youtube fan volunteers, everybody? good sports.

all right, thankyou everybody. i love you. male speaker: ladies andgentlemen, tim and eric. tim: let's hear it, everybody. come on now. we like lobster. eric: this is great. tim: how many people out thereare big red lobster fans, huh? how many people just can'tget enough red lobster?

can you cut the musicnow, please? we're done with thered lobster bit. eric: cut the fucking music. tim: cut the music. stop the music. eric: cut it. tim: stop the music. tim: come on, stop thefucking music. eric: shit show.

tim: turn the fucking--turn the music off. well, thank you guys so much. so happy to be here, partof comedy week. what a great night it's been. how much fun hasthis been, huh? eric: it's totally awesome. tim: thanks, guys. now, i bet a lot of you guys arewondering, what the hell? why are you guys so red?

why are you holding lobsters? well, as you guys probably know,this week we celebrate 100 years of red lobster. it's been 100 years. 100 years. eric: tim, i cannot believehow long it's been. and you know, growing up, everyfriday, i would go to red lobster with my family. and on my birthday, my steppappa would turn to me and say

son, why don't you upgradeto the surf and turf? tim: oh. eric: it was awesome. tim: i knew this guy wasa surf and turf freak. i knew it from themoment i met him. he loves surf and turf. well, eric, you're going to beso excited to find out that this week, red lobster isintroducing, for the first time ever, they're calling itthe endless summer all you can

eat surf and turf. how many people would lovethe sound of that? eric: holy shit! endless summer surf andturf, just timed for the real summer. ba ha! just in time for summer. tim: i didn't realize thetiming was so perfect. eric: who writes this stuff?

tim: thank you so much. well, eric, that's true. we are very excited about thisendless summer surf and turf. eric: we really are. you know, the good folks overat red lobster are going to blow the roof off of what youand i think turf really is. tim: that's right. because you know, we all getstuck in that paradigm where we think that turfmeans steak.

i love steak, no offenseto steak haters. eric: tim's a beef boy. ba ha ha! tim: if you're going to go offteleprompter, let me know. eric: ba ha ha! tim: no, but it'strue, though. they're going to stop the wayyou think about what turf is. eric: absolutely. tim: for example, ifyou don't want

steak, you can get chicken. or you could get pork. hell, you can evenget chinese food. eric: hold on, tim. what if i'm in the mood for somesucculent lob, but i also want some italian pizza pie? tim: well, it's whatever yourheart desires, my old friend. eric: oh my god. tim, my desire right now is tohave an intimate table for two

with some of this endless summersurf and turf by red lobster right now. tim: well, eric, you're myfriend, my partner in life. and i want to ask you to doyourself a little favor. why don't you close youreyes and make a wish. eric: please, put me on theendless summer surf and turf. please, please. tim: eric, you might wantto take a look. eric: oh, this is great.

let's eat. thank you, tim. this is fantastic. tim: by the way, guys, we've gota very special treat for you guys, too. hit the music. male speaker: ladies andgentlemen, from the black eyed peas, it's fergie. female speaker: [singing]

we were at a mall. me and my friends werevery hungry. one wanted meat. the other one wanted lobster. red lobster. red lobster, red lobster. red lobster, red lobster, redlobster, red lobster. tim: thank you, guys. big round for fergie, huh?

eric: thank you fromred lobster. tim: and anybody can helpthemselves to our leftovers. good night, everybody. male speaker: i like the waythey work it, no diggity. i'd like to bag it up,bag it up, boy. i like the way you workit, no diggity. like to bag it up,bag it up now. male speaker: should i go now? oh, sorry.

ladies and gentlemen,dax flame. dax flame: this is a quickone that i wrote about homeless people. i gave a $10 bill to ahomeless woman in san francisco once. it was my first day there, andshe had followed me from my hostel and told me all thisstuff about how she was pregnant, and how she alsocurrently had breast cancer and aids and a sick husband.

i didn't know if she was lyingor if she was just a hypochondriac. but i gave her the moneyjust to be kind. another time, on that same sanfrancisco trip though, i bought a drink from aconvenience store for $3.99. and the cashier gaveme a penny back. and as i walked out the door ofthe store, a homeless man saw that i had change. and he said, ooh, for me?

i smiled politely and beganto hand him the penny. as i put it in his hand,his expression changed. and he yelled at me, oh,an effing penny? get the eff out of here, man. and i speed walked awayas fast as i could. because i didn't know if hehad a shiv or something. he'd asked for the penny,and then yelled at me. it was because i hadunintentionally gotten his hopes up.

and he was expecting morethan one lousy penny. but what should i have done? just ignored him? it's hard to know how tonavigate those kind of situations. another time, a hobo asked mefor some money while i was eating in the outdoorarea of a cafe. and i offered him the cheeseoff my sandwich, because i wasn't going to eatit anyways.

and i just thoughti'd ask, since he told me he was hungry. and he just gave me a looklike he wanted to watch me die in a fire. there was only ever one timewhen a hobo tried to punch me. me and my parents werejust walking by. and he was sitting there holdinga cup of change out. i stopped, looked at him, andhe kind of smiled at me. so i reached my handinto the cup.

when he saw that i was about topull a fist full of change out, he swatted my hand awayand tried to hit my face. but i dodged his fist. i was only 10 when thathappened, and not familiar with the habits of homelesspeople yet. so that's why i didn'trealize he was begging, and not offering. male speaker: one timei was sad, and then i watched these guys.

it's the key of awesome. the key of awesome: grab everysingle one of your friends and start a mumford band. take a mumford stand. you don't need a drummerin a mumford band. you just stomp your feet andyou clap your hands. oh, pack your bag, we'regoing to mumford land. we got our own spoon man. excuse me, sir, i'd liketo know, where is

this mumford land? it's somewhere betweenlimerick and williamsburg, brookland. so pull up your suspenders,chug another jug of wine. tonight we're going toparty like it's 1899. we strum on our guitarsso hard we break our strummin' hands. we use a toaster filter whenwe post on instagram. we used to be the house band forthe "antiques road show."

someone sound the trumpets,now let's do some heys and ho's. ho's and heys, heys and ho's. three cheers forthe lumineers. they're a mumford band. and phillip phillips. he's a mumford man. well, he's more ofa mumford kid. we saw "o brother, where artthou?" and said let's start a

band right now. our clothing and our songsare hand me downs. spoon solo! the way we play is pureand honest, bordering on weird and amish. technology is what we abolishin mumford land, except for our iphones. because we're a mumford band,the oldest latest fad. and johnny depp's a fan.

laddie plays the washboard,wendel plays the fipple flutes. bare knuckle boxing's how theysettle band disputes. emmett plays the juiceharp, and neil plays his own mustache. thaddeus the bar keep makesus cocktails in a flask. joe scratches the victrolalike an old timey dj. jill's on social media, shetwitters from the stage. we got too many members.

now the stage is caving in. can't tell where theaudience ends and where the band begins. come on everyone,clap your hands. start a mumford band, theoldest latest fad. hey ho! rhett: youtube is home to alot of challenge videos. link: these are videos of peopletesting the limits of physical and emotionalembarrassment.

rhett: and we've combined allthese challenges together to the ultimate youtube challengechallenge. link: we've got a bunchof youtubers. we got some milk, makeup, tin cans, marshmallows, you get the idea. rhett: you guys ready? all right, we're goingto get started with the cinnamon challenge. but a doctor said you candie if you do that.

so we're going to do the safecinnamon challenge. that means, put the cinnamonin your mouth and just spit it out. the youtube challenge challengestarts in 3, 2, 1. all right, now the bunnymake up challenge. for the next 10 seconds, put asmany marshmallows into your mouth as you can grab. all right, now apply the makeup in front of you on your face without the useof a mirror.

you have your 20 secondsupernote, go. and now we're moving on tothe baby food challenge. put your bib on. put the bib on. now on the count of three, tellus what you think it is. 3, 2, 1. male speaker: potato carrotthing medley? male speaker: ugh, diarrhea. rhett: ok, now we're moving onto the tin can challenge.

very carefully, grab one ofthe tin cans from the ingredients table. be careful with thatsharp edge. male speaker: i'vegot sauerkraut. male speaker: why am i gettingall the things that i hate? male speaker: spinach,i think? female speaker: oh,spaghetti-os. female speaker: what is that? what the fuck is this?

link: raise your hand ifyou have dog food. female speaker: oh, [beep]. are you [beep]? rhett: ok, now it's time forthe wasabi challenge. male speaker: now they'remaking me eat wasabi. rhett: it's now time to wrap upwith the harlem milk shake. [harlem shake] rhett: and that's the youtubechallenge challenge. hey, we're rhett and link,creators of nope, chuck testa,

the ship that shipped acommercial, and the youtube challenge challenge thatyou just watched. why'd you do that? link: well, that wasa spit take, rhett. and youtube is issuinga new challenge, the spit take challenge. so i'm raising awarenessfor it. rhett: yeah, but usually a spittake is like a response to something funny.

i haven't said any-- anything funny. ok, i see how this is going. you can accept the youtubespit take challenge by uploading your creative versionof a spit take. i know you're aboutto do it again. link: no, that one didn'tdo anything for me. rhett: so make your ownspit take video. get creative with the liquids,get creative with the setting.

and then make sure you upload itwith the title youtube spit take challenge. 2%? link: nope, whole, guaranteedorganic. rhett: ok, all right, good. link: listen, make sure youdon't have any liquid in your mouth for this next guy, oryou will ruin your screen. rhett: give it up for our finalperformer of the night, hannibal buress.

hannibal buress: yeah,yeah, yes. look at my suit. i've been doing comedyfor a few years. and one of my first big gigs,i'm opening for tracy morgan at this theater in chicago. before the show started, i wentto his dressing room and said, hey man. how much time do you want meto do before you go on? that's a simple questionfor the

opener to ask the headliner. but he's such a weirdo. hey, just do a little time. you'll be like the date rapedrug, and i'll be like the big black dick. yo, how much timeis that, man? is that 15 minutes? all right, i'll just do 15. that's such a weird way tothink about time, man.

i drink. that's my vice of choiceis drinking. i don't smoke weed. because i get weirdwhen i smoke weed. when i drink, i'm ableto be in the moment. when i smoke weed, i overanalyzethe moment, which is not good to do whileyou're having sex. because if i'm drunk and havingsex, i'm thinking yeah, this is cool.

but if i'm high and i'm havingsex, i'm thinking yo, why is she letting me do this to her? what was her childhood like? what's her relationshipwith her father? does she let everybodysmash this quick? i start doing weird stuff, doinghigh sex, like counting my strokes. and one, two, three and a four,is she satisfied, five. i tried cocaine in college.

it was too intense. i went to this party coked up. as soon as we got there, thisgirl threw a beer in my friend's face. i freaked out. fucking slap that bitch, man. she threw a beer on you,now you slap her. he said hannibal, relax. if i slap her, those fivedudes over there

going to kick my ass. yo, you just slap her. i'll worry about the rest. and i never want to feellike that again. there's no reason for me to betelling a dude to slap a woman and think i can beatup five people. that's not a necessarysensation. and i don't need itin my life at all. i probably couldn't beatup five children.

one of them kick me in theballs, i fall over. they stomp on me. it's a done deal. but i'd be lying if i said thatcocaine hasn't brought some beautiful momentsinto my life. when i was in minneapolis, ihad a threesome with these girls that were on cocaine. i didn't think a threesomewas going to happen. because i thought thefat one would leave.

but when life givesyou lemons, you throw lemons at people. i didn't want her to leavebecause she was fat. she just didn't seem that intothe whole situation at first. but once the cocaine gotinto her, turns out, she was really cool. i didn't do any cocainewith them. because it can softenup your dick. and the last thing i need inmy hotel room is two angry,

coked out, horny girls yellingat me, hannibal, what's wrong with it? can everybody just be quiet? and then we had a good oldfashioned midwestern night. it was beautiful. i wake up, the hotel roomwas kind of trashed. so i leave a nice tipfor housekeeping. i go off to do morning radio. i come back.

the room is cleaned perfectly. they cleaned all aroundthe room. they cleaned on thekitchen counter. except they left a smallbump of cocaine. and i say, that's extremelyprofessional hotel housekeeping right there. they love people. and that's the type of attentionto detail that gets you a five star yelpreview right there.

i'll be back to that residenceinn, marriott. three star hotel, fivestar service. i was in vegas forfourth of july. i see a billboard, comedianeddie griffin had a show in vegas. i said, oh man, that'dbe great. that's one of the veterans. that'd be awesometo see him live. but i go online to see howmuch tickets were.

tickets were $70. i said shit, i don't likeeddie griffin that much. that's a lot of money fora comedy show, $70. because i don't want thatpressure over my head when i'm watching the show. because i'll be thinking,yeah, he funny. but he ain't $70 funny. he good, i don't knowabout $70 good. but i still want tofinagle a way in.

so i figured out a plan. i'ma call the box office, actlike i'm my own agent, trying to get tickets like that. i call the box office. hello. who handles vip complimentarytickets? i want to get some ticketsfor my client to see eddie griffin tonight. and he said, what's your name?

and i hadn't thought ofa fake agent name yet. they kind of putme on the spot. so reflexively i said,hannibal buress. i'm thinking, i justmessed up my hopes. dammit. because they don't know me. and i can't say i'mhannibal buress represented by hannibal buress. that sounds dumb.

they said, well, whois your client? i had to think quick. i said, donald glover. and i hang up the phone. now, i'm thinking thatthey sensed the bullshit in my voice. nothing's going to happen. five minutes later theycall back and say, how many tickets you need?

i said, i need four tickets. and then we went andwatched the show. it was a good show. it wasn't $70 good. but it was a good show. so now the show's over. we're finishing our drinks. and one of eddie griffin'slackeys comes up to our table and says, hey, you said thatdonald glover was on tv shows

with eddie griffin. eddie don't know donald, anddonald's not even here. i said, first of all, youare adding stuff to my lie right now. i never said theyworked together. i merely dropped the name andthe person at the box office fell for it. second of all, theshow is over. i don't know what you wantfrom me right now.

i can't vomit the comedy outof my body back to you. it's done, man. we experienced thatshit already. you've been had. it was a hoax. i'm hannibal buress tell eddie i said great show. i'm looking for new clients. thanks a lot, youtube,and this crowd.

before i leave, i don'tknow if y'all know. i got the top single in norwayright now, the top rap single in norway. it's called gibberish rap. yo. my dj right there, skrillexis my dj. yo, skrillex, hitthat shit, man. rapper rap rap rapping. i'm rap a rap rap rapping.

in my socks, rapping. got on my jeans, jeansdungarees, put on deodorant. [inaudible] hold the spit, [gibberish] gibberish rap, spinshit, [gibberish] killing the bitch. [gibberish] got a chicken dick,[gibberish] speak and spit, [gibberish], youcut that shit, skrillex.

yo, man. i don't really thinkthey get-- i don't think they understandwhat's happening right now. it's a wave of confusionand excitement in the room right now. hit that shit one more time. rapping rap rap rapping. got on my jeans, dungarees, puton deodorant, [inaudible]. gibberish rap, spin shit.

killing a bitch. got a chicken dick. speak and spit, [gibberish] you cut that, man. you know what? hey man. third time's a charm. rap a rap rap rapping. hold the spit, [gibberish].

speak and spit, [gibberish],yo, cut it, man. cut it, yo. male speaker: yo hannibal. hannibal buress: yo. hannibal buress: what's up? male speaker: i don't thinkthey heard you. hannibal buress: i don'tthink they heard me either, ryan phillippe. male speaker: one more time.

hannibal buress: letme hit this shit a cappella real quick. because i don't think theyhear the lyrics. i'm going to hitit a cappella. got on my jeans, jeans,dungarees, put on deodorant. show them shit, boulderspit, [gibberish] gibberish rap, spitting shit. got a chicken dick. rap rap rapping.

got on my jeans. dungarees, put on deodorant. [inaudible], [gibberish] gibberish rap, shit theshit, [gibberish]. [repeating]