Breast Cancer Scrubs

all right, mrs. cropper. i think you're goingto be fine withoutthe antibiotics. and you don't thinki'll need a pelvic exam? n-not for a cold, no. do it with the gloves off. ok. either step aside, or i'm goingto go through you. then you go through me. you go through me hard.

j.d.: mrs. cropperwasn't the only one showing aggression. [giggling] every since turk visitedhis brother last month, he'd been morealpha male than ever. all right. we all knowthe rules of remote wrestling. last man standing

decideswhat we watch. [laughing and cheering] man rumble? i got next. uhh! right? right? uhh! yeah! ha ha! no. i don't care thatyou've been waiting2 hours to be helped.

thank you for letting methink about it. anybody have an idea how we can calm downthe clientele when we're this backed up? you know whatwould work? duck pond. right here. i can't believei've never said this to you-- nobody cares what you think.

listen, guys. it's cometo my attention that nobodyaround here careswhat we think. tell me about it. like i thoughtit'd be cute if down in the morgue we got hello kittytoe tags. you know,for the dead kids?

but no! exactly.sort of. i figured out a wayto get our voicesheard, ok? it's a little newslettercalled-- brace yourselves-- seriously,brace yourselves. the janitorial. now, whati'm thinkingwe can do-- unbraceyourselves.

unbrace. there we go. todd hasa question. yes, could i bethe photographer so i have a valid excusefor wearing this? don't ruin it. i'm going to be writingall the editorials, ok? on issues likeunion strife,insurance scams, baby wolfmen. what i need isan investigativereporter.

yeah? somebodywho is bland enough and--andinsignificant enough that he'd belistening in on a privateconversation, [whispering]get the secrets, but no one would evennotice he was there. i'll do it. you've been sittingthere this whole time? no. first, i wasin your chair,

then you saton my lap,remember? i said,"excuse me," and you said,"get up and sitover there." and i did. right? and the-- hey, janitor. ooh! hey, ted. hello?

"rate dr. reid's butt"? yes! 9.2! thank god this hospital'sfull of white guys. [door opens and shuts] calm down, enid. it's not my fault that i'm being forcedout of my job. the board found outabout my age because dr. reid

just had to throwa birthday party for me. now, enid, i've got to go back to work. [door opens and closes] don't be too pleasedwith that 9.2. that's out of 100. oh. [sighs] dr. cox. can sam watch west side story?

helps him fall asleep. [thinking]and it makes my heart sing. fine, but absolutelyno singing ordancing along, and i will throwmy coffee at you if i catch you even oncedoing this. all right, i'll just do itin my head then. [fingers snapping] whoa. i'm watching the game.

you putthat remote down, or be preparedto wrestle. who ordered a canof whoop-ass? i think you did. i want youto see this. [grunting] j.d.: ooh! aah! you see the tvfrom there, buddy? unfortunately,you're going to have

to get used toevents like this. don't...listento him, sam! turk...stop bouncing! ♪ i can't do thisall on my own ♪ ♪ no, i know ♪ ♪ i'm no superman ♪ how do you get itto spin so well? you gotta make surethe pen's rightin the middle. ♪ doodley-do-doodley-diddly-doodle-do ♪

oh, whoa! check it out. we made the front page. i know. it's awesome. now there's no doubt who the best buds inthe whole hospital are. tracy and stacycan suck it. dude. oh, sorry,tracy and stacy.

i see you guysare wearing each other'soxygen tubes. that's cute. all right. they win. yeah. check it out. i'm going to take thisto kinko's and get it blown upposter-size. get two. i know.

wait a minute. let me seeif i've got this right. the frontpage story aboutyour humiliating ass-kicking doesn't bother you at all? you're the only one your sonhas to model himself after when he's tryingto figure out how to be a man, and seeing an occasional posterof paul mitchell whenever you take himby the beauty salon isn't going to cut it. well, it's unfortunatethat all children

can't have the amazingrole model that you are, mr. borderlinealcoholic. [thinking]nailed him. it's great havingsilver bullets like that on everyonein the hospital. you sure told him. thanks, herpes. i'm so sorry thatthey're forcing you out. i feel horrible.

aw, sweetheart. you should.it's your fault. look. i'll talk to the board. i am so great atchanging people's minds. my best friend in collegethought he was gay, but i totally convinced himhe was into women. after that, he hada ton of girlfriends. until senior year,when he hung himself. why is it thatso many of your stories

end with "and thenhe hung himself"? bad luck, i guess. don't help me. and keep thisto yourself. it'll be our secret. this is your new patientjohn. what's your secret? i can't tell. and besides,you are terrible

at keepingsecrets. you know, my brothersare great at keeping secrets. they never oncetold anybody about the time they got into a fight in the bathroom and accidentallybumped wieners. it was only for a second. still gaythough. told you. well, it's official.

the janitorialis a hit. but no time to rest. we got to getanother issue outbefore lunch. but we just put one outthis morning. doug, the janitorialis a tri-daily. but let's hold onto the meeting until ted gets here. i'm right here. i bought youthat scone.

hmm. i thought the managergifted it to me for not runningthat expose on how coffeebucks beans are picked bydirty river monkeys. i'm kidding, ted. actually,i wasn't kidding. todd, how's the weathersection shaping up? i think all the ladiesin the greater metro area

should expect to seeabout 8 inches tonight. what's up? entire coffeebucks five! nice, uh-- nice newsletter there,fellas. it's the first thingthat i've ever read where i couldactually feel myselfgetting stupider as i read it. are you calling mestupid?

well, it's your stupidpaper, right? so, yeah. todd: high five. you're stupid. hit it! hit it!hit it hard. and... done. what've i missed? hey!

you want to explainthe fingernail marks down my wife's back? first of all, that's a perfectlyacceptablefighting style. and secondly, i think you should askyour wife about that. whoa! whoa! whoa! this is very close. what did you havefor lunch? scallops?

hey, dude. why don'tyou let him go? i don't have a problemwith you, man. i should warn you,i've killed a man. granted, it wasduring surgery, but... i don't needanesthesia to knockyour ass out. i'm sorry.

that's right! walk away! walk away! you got him. that was a close one,wasn't it? thank goodness your big,brave man friend was here. sam, i want to bereal clear about this. that's your daddy.not your mommy. how did you get samout of daycare? put on a wig and a skirtand told 'em i was you. so johnhas had swelling

in his chest wallfor a few months. ah! ah! oh, cold hands.should've told you. so you're pretty tightwith your brothers, huh? yeah. they're idiots,but they're all right. john, it lookslike you havesome skin puckering. i'm just goingto order some tests and seewhat's going on, ok? i'll be right here.

he's a nice guy,isn't he? he's incredible.what's your secret? are you pregnant? why would i be talkingto kelso if i was pregnant? oh! it's his baby. that was one dream, carla. and it doesn't countbecause he was half dolphin. which half? [whistles]hey, mop for brains.

i was readingyour paper online while i wason the toilet, and-- yeah,i squat and surf. oh, it's the best. anyway, did you happento notice what one of your so-calledcorrespondents put on there? "dr. cox admitted thathis callous outer shell "is just protecting a fragileinner core of sadness.

"if i seem angry, "i'm really just wishing "people would give me a warm hug "or pat me on the back and say, i'm right with you, man." yeah. i did happento catch that. while i was writing it. i never gave youan interview. i don't see thatthat's relevant.

why am i even botheringwith this? nobody ever believeswhat you put onthese things anyway. really? people believeeverything they see online. apples linked to hair loss. and post. [computer beeps] i don't wantto eat it again. ted. here's john's lab work.

if you tell meyour secret, i won't tell anybodyabout the time you ate a cricket. you tricked meinto doing that. dominican snack, my hiney. you know, you didn'thave to save me from mrs. cropper's husband. i could have handled him. how? by rammingyour face into his fists

over and over again? you can make jokes, but i did thatto paul edwards in college, and who won that fight? he broke 2 knuckles, but i only fracturedone skull, scoreboard, turk. scoreboard. he did have to wearthat goofy hand bracefor a while.

yeah, i don't remember that, but i am still missing some large chunksfrom that year. the point is, i don't want youfighting my battles for me. i need to be a strongmale role model for sam. but, dude,that's my job. remember? when sam gets older, i teach him aboutsports and stuff,

and you're in charge ofizzy's emotional crap. we agreed that's howwe'd raise our kids. "our kids." turk, we're not married. dude,we're a little married. i know. i love it. besides,if you start acting like a man's manall of a sudden, you're just teaching sam

to lie aboutwho he really is. you know? [thinking] that's it. i am a man. and it's time to prove it,once and for all. walk more purposefully,damn it. you're pissed. [tv playing indistinctly] we're watchingwhat i want to watch.

with my adrenalinflowing and my prideon the line, i knew this time-- [j.d. groans] turk: no, no. wait.no, that's-- thank you. [j.d. groaning] j.d.: it sucks to feeltotally trapped. whether it's bya misinformed coworker...

i feel alone, too. mmm-mmm! oh, no. or some very unexpected news. john, your test resultscame back. you have breast cancer. the hard part isfinally breaking free. aah! dude, relax.i'm getting up now. calm down.

get up! j.d.:i knew i had 2 choices-- apologize to turkand admit it wasan accident, or this. yeah! how youlike me now, bitch? right? up high! up high! that's how we do! so uncool. i'm going to kill him!

word. move! j.d.: after puttinga beatdown on turk, the last thing i wantedto do was be lame and hidein the supply closet. ha ha ha ha! that's why i chosedown here. why are you here? after all these yearsof putting on toe tags, i sort of developeda foot fetish.

and you get tired oflooking at dead ones,you know? no, no, doug. i don't. quick question-- how can i possiblyhave breast cancer? anyone can get it, john. and unfortunately, your sentinel nodebiopsy came back positive. we should startchemotherapy right away.

do you want to callyour brothers? i'm not telling anybodyabout this. all right? so just forget it. end of story. can i--can i have a minute,please? why wouldn't johnwant any help? you know, this reminds meof the time my cousin greggot stuck at the airport. i offered to pick him up,

but he said he'd just crashat some cheap motel. anyway, the next day-- let me guess.he hung himself. what? no. dr. kelso, my cousindidn't hang himself, ok? he did. but he lived. that's a nice story. stop. stop.stop it please.

[stammers] there's no touching.no touching me. don't--please don't touch. ok, everyone!can i haveyour attention? that interviewis a fake. it never happened. so there'sno more touching me. not now, not never. knock, knock, knock.

hello?is the real dr. cox in there? because his friend tedwants him to know it's safe to come out. you read the interview, too? what interview? [thinking]oh, thank god. turk will never beat me upin front of carla. what is john's problem? yeah, carla.what is his problem?

oh, he'sembarrassed about havingbreast cancer. most guys would be. you know what elsewould embarrass most guys? having their asshanded to themhong kong style in front ofthe whole cafeteria. elliot, even doctorsget self-consciousabout their bodies. remember last monthwhen turk pretended to visithis brother,

but he was actuallyhaving his testicleremoved? he was soembarrassed, he only let metell you about it. and he wasonly comfortabletelling j.d. baby, i haven'ttold j.d. how couldyou not tell your best friend? do you guyseven realize i'm here? one testicle.

come on.where is it? did you at leastkeep it? why would i keepmy testicle? these conditionsare perfect. he's beautiful. oh, my god. this istotally awesome. can you gopick up carla'sdry-cleaning so i can playbasketball?

it can't talk. [grunts] what the hellam i going to dowith that? stop, turk.you're making him cry. it's ok, plant-turk. friends. see? he's learning? [screams] get the clippers!get the clippers!

let him go! we have to findyour ball, turk. we have to find it and destroy it. you don't realize thatcarla and elliot left, do you? look at him. he's dying in there. i mean, emotionally,not dying dying. although he could be.i haven't seenhis full blood work yet. good. he's not dying.

but he is. i'll never be surprised by the ridiculousbehavior of men. j.d.:wow, turk's pretty quick without that testicleweighing him down. i wonder if olympic athleteshave ever thought of that. take them both off,and i'll bring homethe gold. hell, if it makesa difference, you can even take off my--

damn it.never fantasizewhile running. you know that. there. i locked myself in. you can't stayin there forever. y-you got to make this stop. why are you torturing me? because you called mestupid. now i've been calleda great many horriblenames in my life. backstabber,zebra-poacher, josh.

and i've accepted these because to each of them there is a degreeof truth. but i am not,nor will i ever be,stupid. fair enough. i'm very sorry. apology accepted. now how aboutan interview with the real dr. cox?

fine. let's justcrank this out. oh, you don'thave to be here. beg your pardon? doop-doop. off you go. it's all up here. occupied! it's too bad we can'tjust call john's brothers and tell themthat he needs them. i know! stupiddoctor-patientconfidentiality.

it's like wearinga muzzle. like last month, one of my patientsasks out nurse rollins, and i couldn'teven warn her that i'm treatingthe guy for a horrible caseof mono. now she has itand her grandfatherhas it. i don't know.she wouldn't say. men are always doing thisto themselves.

if they saythey don't want your help, you can bet your ass they really need it. that is so true. i'm putting thaton my answering machine, and saving it formy next relationship. don't bother.there's no reception in here. dr. kelso wants my help. i swear, elliot, if you don't tell methis secret,

i'm going to go in that stalland change your butt rating. [music playing] so which onedid you lose? lamont or grady? lamont. now on hot days,he'll be stickingto god's leg. how'd it happen? my kid kicked mein the groin and now i gottesticular torsion.

that sucks. lately,i've been feeling like less of a man. i think that's whyi've beenovercompensating with all of thatremote wrestling,alpha male stuff. losing a testicle'snot going to make youless of a man. although you do realizeyou'll probably be having daughtersfor the rest of your life if you lost the onethat makes boy babies.

that's not really howit works, is it? i'm not really sure. and stillyou whooped mein public. and so we'vegotta fight again. turk, have you notbeen listening? sam. role model. i have to win. so what doyou want to do? [thinking]and then we had it.

rocky iii freeze frame ending! [bell rings] yeah, i totallymessed j.d. up. yeah. i cut my knuckleknocking his teeth out, right? check out the scar. j.d.: as i showed offthe cut i'd gotten from a broken jam jar, i thought about how complexthe male ego is. it can make us needconstant affirmation

that we're strongor even feared. this is brilliant. i thought you'd like it. j.d.: it can even make usso afraid to ask for help that insteadwe just quietly hope for someone to notice. dr. kelso. i told carlayour secret, and we're goingto help you.

we're going to rallyeveryone in this hospital to stop that boardfrom forcing youout of your job. are you in on this, too,perry? nope.first time hearing it, and i couldn't care less. he'll get there. mm-hmm.