nc: hello, i'm the nostalgia critic- ?: i'm 3d! i'm 3d! i'm 3d! i'm 3d! nc: what the hell was that?! ?: you must excuse him. he's always this way. nc: who the flying ritalin are you? ?: we are the 3d brothers. he's distracting. i'm dignified. you may have noticed my work from films like hugo or how to train your dragon. nc: wait, if you're the 3d brothers, where's the third one?
dignified: oh, he's over there. you might recognize him from movies like clash of the titans or last airbender. we call him "doesn't count". distracting: hey, doesn't count. show him your effects! doesn't count: oh, um... ooh, my hand is slightly in front of my face. what does it matter? i'm not even supposed to be here! dignified: oh, now, that's not true. dc: yes, it is! mom thought i'd make things better...
...but all i did was draw attention to how broken everything really is. distracting: ha-ha! he's always getting involved where he doesn't belong! nc: okay, what has that asshole been in? dignified: oh, the usual three movies tripe. nc: three movies? dignified: yes. jaws 3, friday the 13th 3, and... nc: don't say it! dignified: spy kids 3. nc: nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
i don't want to do friday the 13th part 3. distracting: you're doing spy kids 3d. nc: even woooooooooooooooorse! nc (vo): time to rip in to one of the most awesome, hands-on, coolest directors yet again... nc: why do you make me do this to you?! nc (vo): ...robert rodriguez. known for making tons of impressive films on a very small budget, doing a lot of the work himself... ...his focus was to have the creativity of the production disguise how unbelievably cheap it usually was. sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.
and sometimes, it did both. this is the case with the spy kids trilogy. (plus one) the first film was enjoyably bizarre, but visually funny, that it was easy to overlook some of the more awkward moments. the sequel is when it started to wear off, combining genuinely smart and funny moments, with... nc: but, just when you thought there couldn't be more... gerti giggles: "camel poop!" he made spy kids 3d: game over.
to it's credit, this is one of the movies that brought 3d back into the limelight as a profitable idea. the only problem is that it's used as a more exploitive gimmick than god is to pure flix is it bad as, say, thinking sylvester stallone can play a hippie? stallone: "you had the children's attention to question this, what are you teaching them?" *wimper* nc: ...this is spy kids 3d... the movie begins telling us to put our glasses on... ...yes, thank you, because if we saw this throughout the majority of the film, we would be helpless to figure out how to stop it. alan cumming: "today's feature presentation will also be in three dimensions!"
nc: alan cumming is kind enough to interrupt his "nut gouging out your childhood tour" by letting you know that you only put on your 3d glasses when the characters in the movie put them on... ...which they wear, not surprisingly, 90% of the movie... ...so why don't they just make the whole god damn thing in 3d! what, did he want to give the people in the theatre a little arm exercise? this is entirely pointless! maybe the strategy was to have the people say: "huh, the characters seem flat, and not at all three-dimensional..." "wow! now the characters seem flat and not at all three-dimensional,
in 3d!!!" he doesn't even call it a movie! he probably just dropboxed it to someone, and was like; "yeah i made this in my garage, call it whatever you want. it's debatable whether it's actually a film!" personally, i'm hoping this'll start a new fad in credit-identification. boy spy kid: "i was here because i had gotten a call..." nc: it opens with the boy spy kid, yeah, i'm sure he has a name. but, who are ya kidding, we all just call him the boy spy kid, having left his agency, and turned into a gumshoedon't do it
ya son of a bitch! boy sk: "i know why the water from your park is missing." selena gomez (yes, that's her): "pray-tell?" boy sk: "it's winter." nc: man, i though the sequel to blade runner would be a little bit more adult than this... actually, the funny thing about this opening is that the weird, stilted acting is surprisingly kind of welcome. their attempt at acting out an adult situation is similar to watching the kids from home movies make their films. boy sk: "they shut down the puncture in the winter." selena gomez: "who's they?"
boy sk: "the people who really own this park..." cartoon guy: "alright, cut! cut. guys, that was great. did that feel good? once we shoot on location this thing is gonna be incredible." nc: but, to be fair, their acting isn't the most childish... stallone: ...and complete level 5, untold riches, toys, and prizes... nc: when stallone is picking a movie, can we just have an old lady in a blue dress hit him with an umbrella and shout sylvester!?
he plays the toymaker, a man who's been banished to cyber-space, but disguised himself to release a vr game known as "game over". which is...kinda like marketing a board game called "you lost"... boy spy kid heads back home to feed his small soldiers when... ..oh god. inspector gadget finally assimilated his niece! gerti: the o.s.s could really use you. it's good to take care of your family. but remember one thing. everyone's your family. boy sk: that makes no sense...
nc: that make no sense!? you live in a rescue rangers tree house with budgie the scary helicopter, and that makes no sense?! why don't you just tell me george clooney is the president on the united states what the hell is going on!?! boy sk: mr. president. nc: ok. i'll accept this as some form of reality as long as clooney still talks to everyone in a patronising tone. #clooney4prez2016: the fact is there is no retirement. once an agent, always an agent. now it's time for you to be a big boy and re-instate. nc: ah. his whole acting career is just saying diplomatically why we all have to clean our rooms. he tells boy spy kid that girl spy kid is missing, so he travels to his old agency to get some answers.
apparently, his sister is caught in the mind of vincent d'onofrio-i mean the game, as it seems to be a trap for all children. prof. giggles: the inventor of the game. he wants to enslave the world's youth with mind control. nc: *tsk* please, i think we've all purchased ea games before. (shotsfired.mp4) so boy spy kid goes in to see if he can beat the game, save his sister, and apparently alert nobody that this hot selling game is going to take over the minds of the children of the world. don't worry, they'll release a patch for it later. and, if you're wondering what the evil backstory for the toymaker is...
...eh, so is the movie. ms. giggles: the toymaker hates us for imprisoning him in cyber-space all these years. boy sk: what made you do that? prof. giggles: who knows, it was years ago. nc: we don't keep good records, we're not even really sure why we hated saddam hussein. i think it had something to do with his ugly moustache. oh look, he put his glasses on. i guess that means you should put your glasses on... ..oh wait. this bluray doesn't come with any, so just enjoy this thorough slapping of your eyes for an hour and a half!
he ends up in hieronymus bosch's toontown, where i swear he tries to excuse the lame effects from here on out. *knocking and boinging* boy sk: computer-generated... nc: yeah. it's kinda like in roger rabbit turning to the camera and saying: "we couldn't get a real rabbit. we just wanted to emphasise how disappointing that is..." and, of course, the 3d gimmicks start right away. *random sound effects* distracting: ha-ha! i'm 3d! i'm 3d! i'm 3d! nc: get off of me!
ow! dignified: sorry. distracting doesn't yet know the responsibilities of his 3d. nc: ya think?! dignified: you see, i use 3d as a means to transport people into another world, helping the viewer immerse themselves into the story. nc: yeah? well, what does he do? distracting: well, y'know that trick when you're a little kid, and you want to annoy someone without touching them? spy kids 3d! does this annoy you? does this annoy you?
i'm not touching you! i'm not touching you! hahahahaha! nc: why, that's inspired me... distracting: yeah? nc: yeah, to let this bullet touch you instead of my fist! distracting: uh-oh! *gunshot* does this annoy you? *gunshot* does this annoy you? *gunshot*
i'm not touching you! *gunshot* so he has to outsmart some terrifying enemies, who look more like the mascot of several math games, as he's transported to mario maker, where he finds some testers of the game. rez: "how can i offer service? i'm rez." boy sk: "hi rez, now, about savi-" nc: wait wait wait. movie, bring that joke to me... c'mon c'mon c'mon, spit spot young man...
"hi rez"? you really thought you could slip that terribly joke by us because you said it really fast? go to the corner for painfully pushed puns! dc: i'm more of an "abstract visual gag", i just didn't want to move. nc: so he tells the testers what's going on, but they don't believe him, so they send him to a level on the moon. gee, if only there was a way to stop the gameplay, talk to them in real life, and let them know it's all true, but, unfortunately, they can. thankfully though, this game is apparently half "who wants to be a millionaire?",
ms. giggles: "you do get one additional life-line." boy sk: "call up the family files." nc: so he brings in his grandpa, played by ricardo montalbã¡n. computer: perks: superior intellect. cons... nc: kaaaaahn!! i don't care, it was totally worth it! don't look at me... boy sk: "i choose grandpa." robot: "one moment..."
nc: so grandpa welcomes himself to fantasy planet... ...not really sure how they flew him into head quarters so fast... ...maybe they just keep him in a storage closet... and it appears he has a history with the toymaker. grandpa: "the toymaker is here?" boy sk: "you know him?" grandpa: "i've been hunting him down for 30 years, judi." (note: judi is the name of the boy spy kid. still calling him boy spy kid though) nc: i'll chase him around the moons of...
...just...this moon until i give him up! to be fair i probably would've liked the ending of into darkness if it went this route. boy sk: "you can walk..." grandpa: "oh, i can do more than that!" nc: the sad thing is, it still looks more realistic than his plastic chest. but he gets distracted by a butterfly... ...no, really. i guess he likes enforcing add stereotypes... as boy spy kid travels to an arena even lamer than pokemon stadium. *booing* oh, yes, pokemon fans, bring me your comments of anger!
they nourish me! om nom nom nom! it turns out he has to defeat aria stark in mighty morphin' pacific rimgers in order to move on to the next level. boy sk: *screaming* nc: i'll give rodriguez this, these must be the greatest movies to work on if you're a child actor. "what do i do?" "just lay down." "what do i do?" "just move your arms slightly." "you're gonna make me look cool, right?" "even though you're not moving a single solitary muscle, i'm gonna make you look like the most badass fighter in the world." now, steven hawking, get in your ninja outfit! he beats her just in time to see sylvester stallone play a wide variety of characters
..because.. ..if there's anyone i trust to play a wide variety of characters, it's sylvester stallone. toymaker: "what i want, what we want... ...what do we want?" scientistallone: "time on this planet is over, it belongs now to our youth." policeman stallone: "not if we control their minds!" hippie stallone: "we could, like, start the world over again, and cure it of it's diseases." nc: wow. i haven't seen someone so dedicated to play a wide range of roles, since
adam sandler did a high, squeaky voice next to another adam sandler doing a high, squeaky voice! hell, even stallone comments on how he forgets he's talking to himself. toymaker: "who are you people?" the three stoolones (get it?): "we are you." toymaker: "i forget the extent of my programming powers from time to time, and, for a moment, i actually believed that you existed." (harsh) nc: yeah. what other ways do you think stallone fools stallone? *random "stallone-like" grunts*
i am the law!!! but they mistake boy spy kid for a magical character just called "the guy", who is supposed to lead them through the final level to win. so, they ask him to prove his worth in, yet another meaningless detour. welcome to f-zero chance of liking this. we were gonna go with "mario fart", but we felt it would be a repeat of the stellar "camel poop" joke in the second one. "camel poop?!" still a classic. until captain america: civil war, these would be the most impressive action effects ever put on screen!
maaaybee food fight comes a close second. amusingly enough, watching this just makes me i wish i was playing this game instead of watching it as a movie. so, it's basically every bad video game film, except i don't have a good game that goes along with it. announcer: "winner by a hubcap!" (no) nc: never have we seen someone sit, lay down, and slightly wiggle with the world moving around them in such badass glory! what am i talking about, these are the characteristics of a real gamer! (as a gamer, i take offence to that) boy sk: "i have to go talk to my grandfather.."
rez: "to who?" boy sk: "i mean, i must confer with the wizard of... ...atariseganendo." (as a gamer, i take offence to that) nc: yeah, young people clearly wouldn't recognise those terms. hey, have you heard of this new invention called "ice cream"? boy sk: "now they think i'm some important guy who's gonna win the game for them." grandpa: "for our purposes, that's very good. they can lead us to level four more quickly."
nc: christ, even when he's trying to sound friendly, he still sounds like he's gonna torpedo someone's ass! grandpa: "oh, judi. i don't plan on letting him go anywhere." nc (grandpa impression): "don't you know the ancient cling-on proverb that says... ...camel poop." boy sk: "we'll talk about this later." nc (grandpa impression): "of course, after you tell me where the hell i just went one two beam up." *beam up noises* end of part one part 2
nc: so he convinces them all to work together. boy sk: "if we all work together, we all win." red kid: "with my strength!" blue kid: "my brains." rez: "my cool." (seriously rez?) gimli: "and my axe." nc: they get to level 3, but it turns out it's duel of the fops, as 2 of them have to fight, and one of them has to lose in order to move on.
*fighting noises and grunts* nc: is that a look of anguish, or does she really have to pee? i've had to go no. 1 ever since level 2, and trust me, you don't wanna see that in 3d! but she can't hold it in any longer, so she switches spots in order to keep him in the game. hey, it's been a few minutes, time for another creepy speech from montalbã¡n! grandpa: "you are causing so much pain... ...an only i can stop you." nc: y'know, i think this whole movie was just a dare by quentin tarantino to see if rodriguez could get montalbã¡n to be passionately angry at a butterfly. i bet tarantino just photoshopped this image and was like "i dare you to make a story behind this!"
they make it to level four, which means boy spy kid meets up with... ..spy college student... as the toymaker lets her help the team to make the game more interesting. yeah, how unrealistic is that! oh, not the villain letting her go, i mean male gamers actually following a girl gamer. pah! like they would ever let that happen. boy sk: "we're going to lava mountain." girl sk: "we are?"
blue kid: "we're following the guy." nc: now this feels more realistic! but they're attacked by uncoloured happy meal toys, and they floor it outta there. boy sk: "wait, what's worse?" nc: amazing how much it looks like he's running, isn't it? clearly, cging him was much more practical than... ...actually having him run? did every buddy just film this movie lying on a yoga mat? so they swim into the lava and make their way into mount. doom.
there, they run into frodo baggins, who will vanquish the evi- holy shit, i was just kidding! i guess ties to the faculty formed their own fellowship. the guy: "if we join together and battle as one..." nc: he reveals that he is in fact, the guy, and that he will lead them to victory... ..only to be killed two seconds later. the guy: "oops..." nc: dude! he wasn't even around long enough for me to make a 3d wood joke... but the girl who died earlier suddenly returns.
boy sk: "this is demitria, my girlf-" ...my, my friend." demitria: "i'm his girlfriend." nc: typical hollywood romance. you hardly know each other, you mostly fight, and suddenly you declare your love for each other. girl sk: "she set you up, judi." nc: well, i'm glad you're right, or else you would've totally decapitated that kid. "she's a phony!" "she..she was programmed to do that..." but it turns out she still loves him, so she sacrifices her non-existing self to save him.
so it's kinda like when you abandon yoshi. you kinda feel bad, but... do you? they go back to the real world, but it looks like the toymaker has been freed, and is stating to take over. toymaker: "to settle the score... for imprisoning me... ...all i wanted to do was right the wrongs." nc: y'know, i think the way he gets half of these people is that he just has them skype their lines. rodriguez: clooney, can you webcam yourself against a greenscreen? clooney: yeah, sure.
rodriguez: stallone, can you facetime yourself in half a costume from "staying alive?" stallone: you got it pal. rodriguez: banderas, can you put on your halloween costume from last year, and just wave your arms in front of a wall? any wall, it really doesn't matter. banderas: si, senior. rodriguez: bill paxton, can you... bill: somebody ring the dingster? rodriguez: umm... steve buscemi, can you just run out in the middle of the streets so i can put you on a giant flying pig? steve: strangely enough, that's not the weirdest thing i've been asked to do. nc: i can see why this was called a "digital file"!
because all the footage was emailed to him in that format! where was i? oh yeah, giant robot monkeys that you can only see if you put your glasses on. that really needs to be much cooler than what i'm seeing here. but montalbã¡n goes inside the robot head of tim allen, and confronts stallone, simply to say he forgives him for putting him in a wheelchair years ago. this causes stallone to turn off all the machines, crashing his robot with the two of them still inside into the ground. boy sk: "grandpa!" nc: uhmmm.... ..no.
just... j..just... no. one hundred and one dalmatians of no. yeah, let's say ricardo's here and stallone's here. there's no way. dead instantly. their bones would be diced in a yahtzee cup. you wouldn't even recognise their remains. how'd he even get the wheelchair on top of that thing?! let me see if it's any better with this-nope, no. it's still no! but that's ok, because everyone learns the true meaning of family. and that excuses 100% of everything...
grandpa: "to family." grandma: "to family." spy kid's dad: "to family." spy kid's mom: "to family." boy spy kid: "to family." toymaker: "to family." nc: to jail. you online terrorist of destruction. by god, you're getting the chair! spy kids 3d is slightly imaginative at times, but mostly just dull.
the jokes aren't that funny, that acting isn't much fun, and so much of the spontaneity of the other films is gone because it's focusing so much on showing off its annoying 3d effects. i'm glad it got people looking at the possibility of using 3d in films again, but good lord, what an annoying film to sit through to realize it. and the funny thing is, i actually wouldn't mind playing some of this as a game. rodriguez can be a great film maker, but maybe he also has a secret calling as a game designer too. the whole thing feels like a game anyway, wouldn't that have made much more sense. dignified: well, it's funny that you mentioned that, because that's actually why we're here. rodriguez became so obsessed with 3d, that he finally let us completely take over in his new game, "the 3-d brothers."
nc: holy smokes, that sounds perfect! dignified: "well, what would you like to do today, brothers?" dc: "i don't care." distracting: "i'm 3d!" dignified: "you're right. we should talk about our identities, and what it says about us psychologically." "press triangle to continue." dc: "my psychological struggle is obvious. i was a mistake and nobody wanted me." dignified: "oh, now, don't say that!" "did you know mother once told me she was very proud of you?"
dc: "really?" dignified: "oh yes. in fact, the one she confessed to being disappointed in... is distracting." distracting: "what?! she was disappointed in me?!" dignified: "come now, you know this. it's why you hide behind that extravagant demeanor." distracting: "wow, i never actually considered that." "press the square button to continue!" dc: "maybe we can heal after all, with a deep look inside ourselves..." distracting: "yes, maybe i have more problems than i thought,"
"and i've just been running away from them..." nc: this is a horrible game! but it's actually kind of a good movie. dignified: "would you like to run away from your problems again, in, perhaps a playable environment full of obstacles?" distracting: "no, i think i'd rather talk about this..." dignified: "very good." "now, as i was saying, there are several levels to the hea-" nc: i'm the nostalgia critic, i remember it so you don't have to. dc: "press x if you want to confront my feelings of inadequacy." coming next week, it's the top 11 disney princess conspiracies.
find out which one of your paranoia's are true, but you can see it free under vessel's ad-free early access, just $3 a month to see tons of people's videos early, as well as a bunch of other extra features. check it out and get the early scoop. end credits "somebody ring the dingster?" hey, doug walker here, doing the charity shoutout, this week we're doing a very popular and very well rated one, this is the breast cancer research foundation.
this is a non-profit organization, committed to achieving a prevention and a cure for breast cancer. they provide critical funding for cancer research worldwide, to fuel advances in tumour biology, genetics, prevention, treatment, and survivorship. this is the highest rated breast cancer organisation in the united states, with an a+ rating from charitywatch, and 4/4 stars from charitynavigator. that's damn impressive. they've raised over half a billion dollars for life-saving research, they seek out the brightest minds in science and medicine, and give them the necessary resources to pursue their best ideas, as a result, researchers are able to make discoveries and design new approaches to address all aspects of breast cancer, and do so in record time. go to their site, or their youtube channel, to hear all the incredible stories of survival, see how important this foundation is.
the thousands of women and men suffering from breast cancer depend on us. no institution can conquer this disease on its own. but together, we can.
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