previously on the l word... i only dated menbefore i met you. who is it? his name is josh. she didn't go after me.i went after her. the one thing i knowis how i feel. are you doing hormones? not yet. i can hook you up.
could i-- can i talk to you? of course. it's nevergoing to happen again. if that's what you want. we want to publish your book. how much of the contentwould i have to change? not all that much. i'm giving you one of ourmost gifted editors. are you jealous?
it just made me sad. you were sofucking sad that you go offand you fuck cherie jaffe? shane, what kind ofa psychotic response is that? would you mind... disposingof this obsolete thing? you threw dana out? alice, dana is sick. oh, my god.
what are you doingin here, baby girl? [♪♪♪] [heavy breathing] [moans] [song ends] ♪ girls in tight dresseswho drag with mustaches ♪ ♪ chicks driving fastingenues with long lashes ♪ ♪ women who long, love, lustwomen who give ♪ ♪ this is the wayit's the way that we live ♪
♪ talking, laughingloving, breathing ♪ ♪ fighting, fuckingcrying, drinking ♪ ♪ writing, winninglosing, cheating ♪ ♪ kissing, thinking, dreaming ♪ ♪ this is the way... ♪ ♪ it's the waythat we live ♪ ♪ it's the way that we live ♪ ♪ and love ♪♪ [rumbling engine approaches]
how does that feel? [grunts] it's betterthan the first time. you know what? it kind of turns me on that i'm helping youbecome more of a man. you are. do you thinki fucked things up by giving you your dose...
a couple days early? no. no? billie said it wouldbe just fine. oh, yeah? and do you trust everything that billiesays to you, max? look, you're the onewho wanted to shoot me up before you wentto new york.
yeah, because i gave youyour first dose, and i'm going to-- just gave youyour second dose, and i want to give youall of your doses, because i'm excitedabout what we're doing. it's what i'm doing. i'm the onewho's doing this, jenny. i know that you are, and we're goingto do it together.
[monitor beeping] my name is connie, and i'll be taking care of youduring your treatment. okay... oh, it's really cold. it's really cold.is that right? i don't think it's right.it doesn't feel right. it's goingto feel that way for a few minutes,dana, okay?
your body should adjustto the temperature, and the bag will get warmer, but you might feel a bit cold as the fluidsare running through your body for the durationof the treatment, okay? there are blankets over here. i'll grab you one. see if we can find... there you go.
that'll keep you warmfor a little while. if either of youhas any questions or concerns, okay, just talk to me, okay? thank you, connie. so, dana,just sit back, try to relax. it's going to takeabout three hours all told.
okay? okay. oh, and we dohave ipods with lots of toto, survivor, whitesnake,you know... just if you wantto feel worse. how does it feel now? how the fuck do you thinkit feels, lara?
how do you think it feels to get everythingunder the kitchen sink pumped into your veins? my skin's fucking crawling. where the helldid my life go? baby, your life is right here. i'm here,your friends are here, your family, your fans-- my fans?
my fans! have you been to my website? have you seen what they'rewriting about me? that one moroneven wrote that i'm faking having cancer. "she's faking it." because i finallywon a tournament, i'm actually just retiring--
dana, i've told youa million times not to readthat crap. i've said it before, and i'm going to keep saying ituntil you get it. i am here. i'm not going anywhere. why? why are you still here? hey, it's looking good,i think.
yeah? yeah. how does it feel? [buzzing] um, it feels good. you're done, carmen. next victim. oh, god. thank you. you're welcome. let me see.
can you see it? i do. i like it. yeah, i do. well, good,because it's on for life. look at you two. another couple of dykeswith matching tats. yeah. you knowwhat, though? at least we didn'tget our names tattooed.
that would bethe ultimate k.o.d., wouldn't it? k.o.d.? kiss of death. thank you. welcome tobritish columbia! what? i said,welcome to b.c.! i was just saying welcome.
well, it gotmy attention. take meto your leader. you are the leader,remember? [giggles] ah, it's gorgeous. so downtown vancouveris right here. we're doingour interiors in yaletown, and of coursethe final chase scene will shooton vancouver island.
how's the crew? they're canadian. what's that mean? it meansthey work hard, they drink hard, and they all have their ownpersonal grizzly bear stories, and we just brokefor lunch, so it's prettyquiet here. are you hungry?
oh, god, no, no. i'm stilltrying to get my pre-pregnantbody back. you look good to me. that'sthe scientology tent. i'm kidding.that's craft services. that's the extrasholding tent. that's base camp, where everyone'strailer is.
how's g.j. doing? besidesthe tiny crank habit and the 15-year-old boyshe has teaching himto snowboard? and leslie? we had to call ina body double yesterday to shoot the sex scene. what? why? bruises on her ass.
oh, god. is anythinggoing right? you surprised mewith a visit. bruises on her ass? wow. that wasreally incredible. really. i just lovelistening to you, and your studentslove listening to you. you're a reallyincredible teacher.
"go and catcha falling star "get with childa mandrake root "tell me whereall past years are "or who cleftthe devil's foot teach me to hearmermaids singing" that's beautiful. this is my favouritechurch in l.a. oh, yeah,i'm not going in there. one embrace doesn't make youa vampire, alice.
no, it's-- i agreewith the vampires. it's not that. it's just that as faras i'm concerned, god sucks. god sucks? that's prettyatheistically dark. yeah, my... my ex--and my best friend, dana, she's um... she's 32 fucking years old,and she has breast cancer,
and today she wasgoing in for chemo, and i justwould've-- i wanted to be there, so... you're still in love with her. i... since i met you-- and i'm nottelling you this to freak you outor anything-- it's just...
i kind of had this, uh... shrine. she's a protennis player, and she hada little-- or big life-size cutout of herself, and i... you know. well, we all havedifferent rituals
to exorcise heartbreak. you haven'tcompleted yours, alice. no, i did, i did. you know, i threw it away last week since you released mefrom my mortal coils. you threw it away? yeah, i did,and it was a really-- it was a big deal for me.
get her back, alice. i threw it away. it's gone. the garbage men,they took it away this morning. it's gone. you endowed mojointo this life-size voodoo doll. you don't just throw it away. you have to properly release it and let her go. i do?
call me when you've taken careof dana. you might feela little nauseous later on tonight and for the nextfew days, dana. so i'm going to give youa prescription for zofran. take one in abouteight hours if you need it, and one tablettwice a day
for the nexttwo days. are there anyspecial foods that i should be-- am i going to die? you are young, and you have takenexcellent care of yourself. you have a very good chanceof surviving and living a fulland productive life, and we're going to doeverything in our power
to improvethose chances. now, since chemohas the effect of breaking downthe immune system, you have to be mindfulabout infection. so wash your hands often, keep your hot food hot, cold food cold, and avoidany situation where you can cut yourself,
and unless you've hadall the childhood diseases, chicken pox,german measles, mumps, try to avoidany children who might have beenexposed to them. it's all prettycommon-sense stuff. any questions? when am i goingto lose my hair? anything you need,we've got it. okay, well,
why don't you justput everything, you know,near the stage. they'll get itall together for sound-checktomorrow, okay? did you want a pick-upfor tomorrow night? yeah. yeah,late tomorrow night, after the show,about 2:00 a.m. it speaks. that's mr. "it" to you,superflystress.
look at you. when was the last timeyou slept? don't give meany shit, kit. i had to jack offtwice today just to getmy heart started, and anyway,i don't sleep. i've fms. fms? what is fms?
is that fag munchausensyndrome or something? no, fear ofmissing something. give me a hand up. oh, jesus. well, i don't carewhat you got. all i want you to dois get your shit together by tomorrow night, because i don't wantany fuck-ups with the b-52's-- do not give meany attitude about this.
i'm the onewho brought them here. i know... i know. i know you booked them. i knowyou're the best of friends, homey homes,way back in the day. i know this.i know all of this-- well, then, youshould also know that all you need to dois keeping the booze flowing
and keep your own vicesunder control. i mean,i don't let mine get in the way of making yourbusiness flourish. i didn't have to bottom outto get my life together. and you're bothgoing to love it. it's where we make films. the place is full of surprises. there's lots of lorrieson the lot, and there's ships,
and you're bothgoing to see everything when you nextcome down to visit. [knocking] mummy, can you take meto see the costumes? come in! of course, pumpkin, i'll take youto the wardrobe department. did mama tell you about damma tete'sparty for us?
yes, winnie told meall about that. oh, my god, are thoseyour children? sweethearts, can you both justsay hi to dylan? hi, dylan! hi, you two. i can't waitto meet you. sweethearts, mummy'sgoing to have to go now. i'm sorry.
but i'll speak to youtomorrow, okay? big big kissto you. bye, mummy! i love you! i love you, too. bye! bye. my god, that is so great that you can see themwhen you talk to them like that.
i talk to themevery day. um, i was in the neighborhood, and i thoughti would bring you something. i'm glad you came by. cadbury's flake... and branston pickle. two of my absolute favorites. that's fantastic. how goes editing?
you haven'tcalled me. you know, dylan,i made a promise to myself to stop sleepingwith married people. danny's my boyfriend. we're not married.we live together. yeah, but in lesbianworld, that is married. i've wanted to call you, but this is a reallydifficult situation for me.
you know,you're with someone else, and you're straight. at least,that's what you told me. i am straight. but, dylan,this is a no-win on my part. what starts in chaosends in chaos. i like you... a lot. what does that mean, dylan?
i don't wantto be the lie you tellto someone. well, what doyou want? you knowwhat i want, but i don'twant it halfway, and i don't want it at someoneelse's expense. we should justbe friends. can we try that?
hey, alice? alice, wake up. come on. [splashing] come on, wake up. alice... what do you think? i thinkthey're really discreet. you do?
i had my firstgirlfriend's name tattooedon my ankle. i had it removed. oh, why didn't you putsomething else on it, huh? bronwyn? [laughs] hello, everybody. hey, jenny. hello.
hi, miss. oh, how are you? i'm very good. hi. how are you? i picked thesefrom the garden... for you. thank you.they're beautiful. hey, i thoughtyou were out of here.
i'm taking the redeyeto new york tonight. what's going on? i'm goingto be meeting with my book editor. well, that's exciting. is moira goingwith you? no, she has to workat the planet tonight with billie. right. we had to close tonight
so we could, you know,rig for tomorrow. that's right, the b-52'sare going to be there. that is huge. kit, how didyou get them? my sex-and-drug-crazed manager,he landed them. happy firstchemo, baby. hey... oh, my gosh, wow. look.
oh, look at that. oh, my god, that'sa beautiful cake. i've never heard ofa chemo cake before. well, your girlmade it for you. it's red velvet, baby,your favorite. you know, i'm a littlenauseous right now, actually. i don't thinki can have any, okay? it's red velvet, baby-- look, i'm fucking sick, lara.okay? just take it away.
maybe later. i want some. i wouldlove a piece. is that wedding cake? no, it's notwedding cake. you're just jealous because my girlfriend and iare two gold stars that have found each other. what's a gold star?
oh, it's somebodywho's gay who's never had sex with a personof the opposite sex. yeah, people who bumpuglies with uglies. can i be a gold star even thoughi've slept with men? jen, you're the jewish star. aw... yes, and i ama latina gold star,
covered in sequins. so how many gold starsdo we have here? [gasping] [jenny]: helena,you're a gold star? well, sort of. i mean,the english public school boys that i shaggedas a teenager, they were just experiments, and they were so effeminate,they don't really count.
helena,that does not count. i think you might bea spoiled star. oh, really. you know, my mama'sfrom texas, and she alwayscalled herself a lone star because my daddy's the only manshe ever slept with. are you serious? i can't imagine that. i can. it sounds nice.
tina's momis a lone star, too. where is tina? babe, she already told us. tina's in vancouver. "she already told us." well, i forgot, okay? what are you,my memory monitor now? look, i'm going to go lie down,if that's okay. do you want meto come with you?
hey, max. hey. you're getting muscles. i think i'm already startingto bulk up. mm-hmm. hey, won't you getin trouble for that? mm-mm. big sister'sover at the chemo clam-bake. i think it's really harshwhat's happening to dana,
billie, and it must really be hardfor lara, too. yeah, it's rough. my lover was sickfor three years before i lost him. i thought i wasgoing to die right alongwith him, but... i didn't. they leave you behind to deal,and...
you deal. well, how longwere you two together? 12 years. every now and then, i can still feel his breathon me. i've never had anyone i lovedie. you will, handsome. you will. you're a reallycool guy, billie.
you've reallyhelped me out a lot. how are you feeling? all right, i guess.maybe a little edgy. have you started fuckinglike a rabbit yet? it kicks inabout now. the hard-onthat'll never go down. all you can think aboutis getting off. it's pretty intense. kiss me again.
i like getting kissedwhen i'm getting fucked. whoa... i swear to god. he usesa penis enlarger. i don't believe you. i saw itin his trailer. yeah. oh, my god,that is crazy. i can't wait till thathits the tabloids. that's juicy.
i might have toleak it myself. okay, so where we arewith leslie is... um, we're thinking of calling inthe body double again for scene 29a or just cuttingthe scene entirely. it's just gratuitous sexanyway. i don't have a problemwith gratuitous sex. i like a woman
who getsright to the point. peekaboo! [aria playing] remember this aria? oh, you mean our third date, when you finger-fucked meat the opera before telling me you didn't thinkwe were right for each other? oh, and that you hadjust met a straight girl
that you thought you mightfall in love with? no, i don't remember a thing. hey, angus? could you watch angelicajust for a minute? [angus]: hello!hello, angelica. ♪ a-e-i-o-u, u ♪ i don't know howto deal with this, alice. this anger in her, it's nothing that i've everseen in her before.
[softly]: well, she'snever had cancer before. i mean, who knowshow to deal with that? i know, i know.i just... i feel like everythingi do or say is wrong, and she just-- she keepspushing me away. i mean, obviouslyi'm not helping her. lara... dana needs you.
she needs you, alice. you're strong. i just-- i feel lost. i feel totally lost. dana's lost, too... and i needto find her. i feel like i'm floatingoutside of my body, and i'm watching myselfdo these things, and i can't stop myself.
i can't changeanything. yeah, i felt like thatwhen my dad died, like it wasn't my lifeor something. i just can't relax. i can't sleep. i can't listen. i love lara, and i can't stand her, and i'm terrifiedto be alone.
you know, dana, obviously, i've never beenin your position, but i do know that the one of the thingsthat really helped me were theserelaxation exercises i did with my therapist. do you wantto try? yes. lie down.
close your eyes. tune out all the soundaround you. then let it go. and as you inhale, feel your bodybecoming... heavy and grounded. your armsgrow heavy and relaxed into the bed. as you exhale,let everything go.
just let it float away, like a river,floating away, and you're safe, and you'refloating away to another place, and i want youto picture yourself in the most beautiful placethat you can imagine. are you there? i'm there.
it's so beautiful. it's so alive. it's... so peaceful. i'm whole... and i just want to stay here. will you stay with me? [moaning softly] [giggling]
i have wanted yousince the moment i saw you. you know, i never thoughtthat you were queer. shh, shh. don't speak. you are way too hot for that. you're so not a lesbian. goddammit, josh, are you reallythat clueless? you have no idea who i amor how i feel. i know that you didn't feellike a lesbian just now.
god... this was going to beso easy for you. i was so readyto jump into bed with you. now it turns outyou're an ignorant ass. god, why couldn't youjust shut up and fuck me? why make it impossible for meto do something... that i wanted to do? you are one fucked-up woman,tina. yeah, well, i'm stillyour fucked-up boss.
so what now? nothing. you stay here.i go back to my hotel. tomorrow we'll meet. we'll workon the production budgets. this is your world, tina. i just work in it. [door opens, closes] [sniffing]
i don't know, there's somethingabout white boys that's justdifferent. i don't knowwhat it is. i don't know,i'll never know, but-- hey, kitten. mangus. billie, what the fuckare you doing? you know,i don't care
if you fuck upyour own life, but you will notfuck up my business. this businessis my life. the door, billie,was unlocked. the policecould've come in. calm down, kit. no, don't tell meto calm down! billie, you... you are the mostirresponsible fuck
i have ever metin my whole life. you are a sadand selfish mess, and i don't carehow many people you know, and how many peopleyou bring into the club, i am not going to have it. i am not going to havethis shit. i am talking to you, billie! listen to me! i think it's time for me to go.
good morning. fuck, fuck... ah, no. baby, what'sgoing on? no, this feels good. okay, hold on. wait, wait, wait. don't... you don't have to.
what's wrong? i don't know, i just... i'm sorry, i'm just... i'm sorry,i'm just... i'm distracted. why are you distracted? it's not you. [sighs] dana!
[gasps] [sobbing] oh, hey.it's okay. it's okay. it's not okay. come on,i'll make you some breakfast. why can't you justleave me the fuck alone? you're not my fucking nurse. you're not my mother.you're not anything--
no, dana, and i'm not yourfucking punching bag either. you know, maybe... maybe it would just bebetter for you if i went awayfor a little while. why don't you just go then,huh? why don't you just go? go to paris. take thatchef's course you've beentalking about.
i mean, just becauseyour girlfriend's dying-- you're not dying, dana-- you don't fucking know that! how the fuck do you know that? you're not god! what do you want? i have triedto be there for you. i have tried to doeverything i can. i want you to go!
go take-- i don't want to go anywherewithout you, okay? i love you, dana. i just want youto leave. just go. please go. leave! excuse me! hi!
okay, i've got it. thanks. dana fairbanks. she's gotlong brown hair. have you seen her? the lesbian tennis player? she doesn't work here, honey. well, no shit. i... i know she doesn't work here.sorry. i threw her out.
come again? it's a life-sizecardboard cutout. did you put it in a blue binor a black bin? i don't know. i just put her out by the trash. well, she can bein one of two places. if you put her in the blue bin, she's being recycledat the allan company. and if you put herin the black bin,
you're never going to find her. why? where will she be? she'll beat the puente hills landfill in whittier. whittier. fuck... [cellphone rings] [alice]: hey, dana. no, i'm in whittier. uh, it's going to be all right.
uh, i'm kind of-- i'll be right there. just-- chill out. i'll be right there. hey, moira? hey. what's up? got somethingto ask you. yeah, what is this? what's going onwith jenny? you guys, jenny's fine.
it's mine. it's testosterone. i've started a program of it. what kindof a program? you know... i mean, i've always feltreally uncomfortable in this body. so i've decided to transition. i'm changing...myselffrom female to male.
does jenny know? she's helping me. how is shehelping you? she's been shooting me upwith it. wow. so... you're reallygoing to go through the breast... top surgery. top surgery?
when i can afford it, i am. you know? [slapping] that's strong. [jenny]: how are you? good. everyoneis excited about the some of her parts. oh, cool. awesome.
i'm really excited. i'm kind of nervousand just-- except me. we have a lotof work to do. okay, great. oh, i'm not talking aboutline edits, jenny. it's deeper than that. as your editor, i have a basic problemwith the journey of the book.
or rather, the lack of one. um, but it's--but it's what happened to me, so i don't know what i could doto change that-- let me explain,if i might. okay, "each momentthe blade penetrated my skin, "i forgot what it was liketo be on my face in the dirt. "every drop of bloodwas a reminder "that i still belongedto the earth, "that i wasflesh and blood,
"that those boys weren'teverything in my body. "cutting myself, hurting myself "freed me from the hurtthey inflicted. i was the one doing the damage,not them." i don't seewhat's wrong with that. you still view yourselfas a victim. jenny, you're repeatingthe same scene over and over. it feels compulsive. i was a victim
when that happened to me. i don't know whyi can't say that. jenny, jenny, you're an excellent writer. excellent. but thatworries me more, because i think young girls will read this, and they'll think cuttingis a viable response to trauma.
i would never suggest that anybody does thatto themselves, but, for me,in that moment, at that time, it made me feellike i was alive, and it made me feel likei had some control over my life, and in that moment,that was empowering. it's bullshit, jenny-- it's not bullshit,because it's what i did. you can't tell me--
i'm sorry. i'm sorry, but you can't tell mewhat's bullshit for my body. i'm not going to publish a book where i tell young women that self-inflictedviolence is going to free themfrom the violence they endured at the handsof other people. i'm not going to do that. i'm not asking you to do that.
jenny, what'smissing in the book is your strength, your resolve, your heightened awareness. i've survived. yes, and i'm interestedin how you thrive, not just survived. i'm here. jenny, it's really hardto give up being a victim.
i don't like that word. it's safe,it's cozy, it's familiar. i'm interestedin the other place, when you get out of your pain,out of your self, and you were ableto connect with a larger world-- let me ask you something.why are you working on my book? you guys asked meto change it
from being fictionto being a memoir, and that put me in a pretty vulnerable position, and suddenly,i'm too passive for you? i'm a victim? i'm not transformed enough? so you knowwhat i think? i think... may i take...
i thinkyou should probably... go find yourselfanother hero. fuck you. and that was it. she said she was going to parisfor this class, and that... she couldn't handle it anymore,and that was it. she just left me. i can't fucking believeshe just left me.
i can. what the fuckis that supposed to mean? it meansyou've been a total monster, and i know how muchlara loves you, and you just pushed her too far. i'm sick, al,and she fucking abandoned me. no, you've beenshowing her the door with this self-pityingbullshit. fuck you, al.
no, you know what, dana?not fuck me. you know why? because you have to get a grip, or you're not going to haveanyone left to call. why are you doing this? because i'm your friend, and i'm not going to let youtreat me like shit, too. you know,you're surrounded by love, and you havefucking insurance, and you have a family,and friends, and...
a home. you're young. and you should beout of bed. i'm sick, al. i know. you... you have cancer. but you're nauseousfrom the medicine. you're not bedridden. you knowwhat i think?
i think you shouldcome out with me tonight. i don't think the b-52'sshould miss you. i like the b-52's. i can't, al. somebody's goingto bump into me, and my bandages aren't evenoff yet, you know? all right, well, i'll call kit, and i'll have herrope off
a little specialsection for us. and guess what? i'm going totake care of you, and i'll make surethat you're safe. i promise. neve is our finest and most respectededitor. [jenny]:she hates my book. how could i hate your book,jenny?
it's my story, my darling. i'm the girl in your book. it's why i putthe two of you together. but it's my story. it's not hers. i'm just asking youto come at it from a position of strength. and i have come at it from all the strengththat i have.
that's honest. if that'swho jenny is, then that's howshe has to come at it. i'll tell you what. i'm not the right personto edit jenny's story. i understand it, but i can't promote it. bless you, my darling. [excited conversations, squealsfrom crowd]
yeah, so alice saidit got ugly. can i get a dewar'son the rocks when you get a chance? thanks. lara left dana, and she said that she couldn't takethe pressure anymore. yeah, and danakicked lara out, and we shouldn't betalking about it
in front of dana because she's reallyupset about it, obviously. i'm sure larawill come back. hey, kit! drinksare on the house. hey, guys. hey. how's it going? oh, it's going great.
come on, i'll blockinterference for you. yeah, yeah. come on. okay. gotcha. excuse me. watch it,watch it. it's packed in here, kit. yeah. i'm sold outfor days. dana... i'm so gladto see you.
me too. chair crew coming through. look out, guys.i'm the booby guard. oh, good one. nice. hey, did you guys seemoira's arms? they're like,you know... they're like man arms, kind of. they're cute,but they're getting big.
she's practically a man, alice. that's a little harshy mcharsh,there, shane. no, i'm notbeing harsh. i swear to god,it's being honest. hmm? what are you being honest about? hey, shane,i don't get what's your bigproblem with moira. well, she justdoesn't, like,
trust what she's doing. what's she doing? i mean,besides living off jenny? hey, where's tina? is she coming? oh, she's upin canada on a film location. [audience cheering] yeah, josh is a littleover-ambitious.
we had to sendtina up there just to reinhim in a bit. josh?it's josh's movie? yeah, i mean,he's a great producer. we just had to send tina thereso-- that's great. so she went up to canadato be with fucking josh becker? who's fuckingjosh becker? tina.
ladies and gentlemen... billie blaikie and the planetproudly present the b-52's! [crowd roars] [performing "pump"] she's havinga sex change, al. yeah, moira'sbecoming a man. are you guysfucking kidding me? for real?
she's helping her. ho... shane just told me that moira's gettinga sex change. wait.what are you talking about? you knowthe article i wrote about genderreassignment surgery? oh, my god,i loved that article. it was all aboutwomen who become men,
and theytake hormones and testosterone, and, like, they cut offall their hair and they cuttheir tits, and... i'm gonna go. no... no, i gotta go. dana,i'm so sorry. shit.
shane... why did you haveto say that! it came out.i didn't mean to. fuck! oh, god... dana, wait. you're goingto hurt yourself. i don't understand why, how... just leave me alone, alice.i need to be alone. i'll justtake you home. alice, just leave me alone!
you're not alone! fuck...
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