peace! are you safe up there? thank you! oh, yes! oh, yes, my little seaman head friend! ok. good night! thank you very much! thank you for the standing ovations! we hadthe orgasm up front. let's have a cigarette, let's relax. we are here in new york, fucking new york!
yes! obviously this is not gonna be a normal nightof theater! this will be shakespeare with a strap on! so that's the way you like it! welcome to my beautiful set from the musical"fantastic voyage"! or maybe the last thing a clitoris sees! i'm over here! i'm down here! this is brought to you by hbo, a subsidiaryof time warner,
also owned by america on line.. you've got mail. i hope you don't have stocks! welcome! don't be afraid! it was very reassuring the other day... george w. bush talked to the stock marketand... him talking about business ethics it's like having a leopard giving you a facial. it doesn't really work !
"a lot of our imports come from other countries". no shit, jason?! moving right along... meanwhile, michael is protesting... i don't know, baby... it was strange enough when michael was thebest man at lisa's wedding. that for me was like you're pushing the term,my man! that was a pretty short list. was richardsimmons hunting? - what are you doing? - i'm the best man!
now michael is claming racism. honey, you gotta pick a race first. what are you claiming there? mistreatmentof elves? girl, you gotta pick a gender, too. what areyou going for? you were diana ross. now you just left itall behind. michael, you're not a freak. you're just surgicallyenhanced... and you spend more money than the vatican. if you go to neverland, it says: "you must be this high to ride michael"
obviously, the lawyers at hbo are going, "fuck!" how fucked up would you have to be for al sharpton to go, 'i'm outta here, man!' if al sharpton bails on your ass, even rats are going, 'man, that guy's quick!' from the don king school of hair processing... he's riding for office in idaho on the "what a fucking, wild, crazy chance in hellyou'll be elected" ticket. sorry, my lips just went...
probably dyslexic people went: "thank you,habib!" we were worried about the pledge of the legions. we're gonna say: "one nation under dog!" it's ok. and now people are going: "i've got a curefor this!" one nation under canada, above mexico. but then you have to the whole... anthems like: "someone bless america!" on a dollar bill, instead of "in god we trust",
"in gates we trust"! mr gates, when did you realize you're creatingmonopoly! monopoly is just a game, senator. i'm trying to control the fucking world. have you seen windows millenium? right now it's information technology. soon it will be total information technology.tit. and when you're sucking on the tit, i haveyou by the motherboard. it's a nice day in new york, my people.
ny police have a catch and release program.way to go! stop! ok, go on again! you there! get the fuck outta here! i like ny on a day like today. for a whileeverything went like you're ok. people like to great new yorkers: "have anice day, asshole!" fuck you, my friend! enjoy your day! but the most beautiful thing about a day liketoday in ny is that the ladies take the twins for a walk! oh, yeah, the titties are out today!
on a hot day all the titties are out there.and god made them go like... beautiful titties, all shapes, sizes and womenrunning they are going... and then they hit a breeze and chicken's done! yeah, baby! these are not like the titts in vegas, where even god goes: "i didn't make those!" fake titts are like nazis. they don't laugh, they don't dance, they'rejust... i'm walking here!
i've seen a woman turn and the titts stayedthere. it's like they don't have any teeth becausethey knock them out. i've seen titts that are really bad with the nipples on the top. they look likeculroy. when you go up madison avenue you see somehardcore surgery like... i'm so scared, but i can't express it. these ladies had so much surgery are going: "what are these lumps under my eyes?" those are your titts, madam!
- and what's this? - don't ask, mrs. trotki! this is good news for you. and girls getting buttocks injections...? - look, i don't have any wrinkles. - you alsohave no expression. you look like you've had a slight coma, butyou're beautiful. one guy say to you: "baby, i want you to getyour titts done for me!" do it for me. do it for your daddy man. and you say: "ok, daddy man!" than i want you to get your balls done forme, ok ?
i want you to get those big old basket balls. so when you do the baywatch thingy, it's like... nothing drives a woman crazy like a big oldeaster basket on her bunny. you go to the doctor... girls... payback's a bitch ! go for it, girls ! 'cause you went through a hard time. thiswhole winter was so bizzare. temperatures were like . it was fucking weird! the weathermen are going:
"i don't fucking know what's going on!" let's just see what happens. flowers were like anne heche going: "i'm out,i'm in, i'm out..." i don't know when to go. george came back from japan and went: "i wentto the coyote conference" - no, it's kyoto. - that's a very good car. george, walk away. they say there's no global warming. but right now the north pole is a pool.
it is beyond global warming. at this pointis cooking. at in the middle of the country: "is it hotenough for you?" no, i like sweat to be rolling down the crackof my ass like niagra. i like my old man's titties to lactate, myman. you see people in shorts and you're going:"please, don't wear those!" please, don't put those on! if you go to south west airline: "you're not fat, you're horizontally challenged" big people at south west airlines have buytwo seats.
the problem is that they are not together. and you have to put your titts in the overheadrack. people don't mind now. we're working our waythrough. all over the country we've got weird things. in houston they got enron field. we're gonna call it th amendment for you. we can't call it: "we're fucked for you!" arthur anderson put in the chairs that spinboth ways. and now martha stuart may become somebody'sbitch.
no! say it ain't so! i like to consider it more like "severed companion". if you only have one room, and i like to callit my "private space," use the light well. you have vertical bars,don't use horizontal blinds. also, think of your ankle bracelet as an accessory. the first time she has lunch going: "you callthis keesh?" shut up, bitch! you're inside now, you'remine! all over things have been going good. i'vebeen to memphis, to graceland.
i never knew that ray charles had a decoratinglicense. they're some severe... they're colors there that have never seendaylight. i've been to nashville, i've heard peoplesing songs like: "take your finger outta my ass, 'cause i'mleaving you behind!" weird shit people do now. i'm sweatin' likecrazy up here. it's hbo, 'cause it's live. people playing baseball. you've got a goodseat. yankees are kicking the game, way to go!
they did a good job. they came through. everybody's worried about people playing baseballon steroids. here's one quick way you tell: on steroids, your balls shrink and your headgrows. so if someone steps up to the plate with a mardi gras head and raisinettes, you'reout! poor barry bonds! they won't pitch to him and when they do it, they're trying to killhim. he's like yasser arafat of baseball.
for jerusalem i have an interesting plan. it's called a timeshare, like miami, let'stry that. jews will get hanukah and passover, christians will get christmas and easter and muslims will have ramadan and the otherholiday, kaboom. obviously, the people of hbo are going "oh,fuck off. what are you doing, you asshole." i'm very excited because this is my time when i was watching world cup soccer, my man.
i saw world cup, baby. there's a few soccer fans, the rest of youare going: "uh, that's like football without pads, right?" for the rest of the world, it's football. for us, it's "a strange sport, played by damagedpeople." we made it in the world cup. everyone playsit. not like the world series, 'cause the frenchdon't have a baseball team. if they did, they would only have left fieldand no one would be safe. you know what i'm saying?
what can you do, huh? it is bastille day,alore. the day that marie antoinette gave the ultimatehead. look out! we are french. fuck you, americans, i don'tcare! my friend lance armstrong is racing rightnow in the tour du france. and every year the french go, "he is on chemicals." "it's chemotherapy, you little toad suckers." okay, he has one testicle, he's aerodynamic. everyone, cut off your balls. you'll be quicker. do it. don't be afraid."
when you look at the world cup, america finallymade it. we made it to the sixteenth, baby! we're no longer in the "special olympics"category. they used to see us coming: "give it to them,they're damaged people"! thank you for the ball. i got a ball. i kickthe ball! unlike the brazilians. when they play is like... and the fans... brazilians are going: "look, i'm playing soccer... look, i'm scoring!
and now i'm kicking the ball." soccer is kinda mellow, you know. is a littlepassive aggressive though. i didn't do anything... what are you lookingat? it's not like hockey, when someone comes upwith a stick and goes: "bang, mother fucker!" that's why there are no spanish hockey players. when a white guy takes a stick and goes... "motherfucker, i'm going to cut you off now!" and you, freddie krugger bitch, take off themask, mother fucker!
coming in there! katami! sometimes guys do this weird thing... theyfall down and pretend like... i've been killed... i've been blinded... there's nobody near me, huh? ok, i'm kidding! and the referee comes over: "yellow card!" two yellow cards. "red card!" three cards. "green card!" and the referee is so sweet, too. "what's your name? turn around.
why didn't you call me after the mexico game? not like football referees: "too much commercialtime" mad white man dancing on the field. moving away. moving away. in the world cup they always claim there'sbad refereeing, someone may have been paid off. oh, shit, say it ain't so! you're telling me that the oscars are alsopolitical? fuck off! there's a game mafia!
the mob's hand! fairy godfather: "does this pistol make myass look big?" if you go to la, there's a great greetingthese people do: "love ya!" "love you!" "hey, love you!" the worst referee was in winter olympics witha french judge. once again, the french fucked with us! the canadians skate perfectly. "we did itperfect, huh!" and then the russians they come and fuck up and the french judge: "they fucked up, i giveit to them"
at that point i'm going: "where's tonya hardingwhen you need her?" tonya would've been on that judge like shiton velcro. "give me that medal, you french whore!" "i won!" now we get to see tanya harding fight paulajones in an all white trash weekend. trailer park tuesday! tonya went right for the nose: "not the nose.that's the clinton money!" next is gonna be joey butafuoco fighting johnwayne bobbit.
there will be no hitting bellow the belt there,my friend. fuck, man, give it back! my balls are in thefront row. what's next? the nixon's daughters belt forthe library money. be there as my bitches go at it. at this point, even caligula is going: "what the fuck are you people doing?" why don't you have hannibal lector and ironsheff just kick out the jams? 'cause you got the chamber, the chair, fearfactor.
people in texas are going "we got those shows. we just don't film them." two weeks ago, supreme court banned the executionof retarded people. people in texas are going, "shit, where'sthe fun in that?" 'cause they were zapping retarded people everyother week. it was like, "go sit on santa's lap, timmy." and i know the definition of "retarded" intexas is pretty wide. it's crazy! even a taliban is going: "you are crazy motherfuckers!"
there was a guy with one leg. they wouldn'tgonna give him a wooden leg. he's gonna be dead man hopping. there's a moment of compassion. before thelethal injection, they do an alcohol swab. which is so nice! what the fuck are you doing? we don't want you to get that last secondinfection! it's all safe now. you remember the winter olympics. they hadthem in utah. great place! what, was amish country booked, what happened?
common down to salt lake! we're gonna partylike it's . bring your wives. oops! come on down! at the closing ceremony they introduced donnie and marie, as the first couple of utah. i went: "aha, honey, no! they're only a couplein arkansas. if you're going to georgia, ted turner andjane fonda broke up. jane found god and ted found out it wasn'thim. about the olympics once again, we're talking about the figure skating.
i find the figure skating to be kinda sexy. not ice dancing, which is polka on valium.that's not good. that's that pair figure skating. there's onevery special lift. where the male skater goes... right here! where even a gynecologist would go: "put ona glove, man!" who's your daddy? who's your daddy? and i'm going: "let's cut the foreplay, let's have ice fucking, come on!"
nipples aroused... and she holds on without her hands! even the french judge would go: "i like it!" "i don't care. i'm giving them the medal.fuck the canadians!" "so fabulous!" there's other kinda sexual thing in the olympics:the louge, about which i have only one question: what drunken, german gynecologist inventedthis sport? what guy went, "i want to dress like a sperm,
shove an ice skate in my ass, and go balls first down an ice chute. ya. that would be fun." no! this is for pussies! - how will you stir? - i will do kegels! i will flex my ass and go down the aisle. and do not talk to me about two men louge. i'm saying "boys, get a room!" make that turn, you bastard, make it.
hard right, you fucker, hard right! pour guy gets to the end of the run: "i gotwood, man, i'm sorry!" you cost us the race! your penis going brr was of a second windsresistance! we could've won if you weren't going brrring! dolphin boy! there's always some horrible drug scandal. this year was a spanish cross-country skilor... skilor, which is like a skier.
- are you a skilor? - yes! they accused him of taking some performanceenhancing drug. like an elephant growth hormone. are you on some sort of drug? are you taking an animal tranquilizer? and they didn't bother drug-testing the snowboarders. go, go my little boys, have fun! i guess they realized the word "half pipe"meant something. remember the kid who won the gold medal?
he was in freestyle. - you wanna be on a box of whities? - no.count dracula. aha, a clue, scherlock! the poor canadian snowboarder, in olympics, they took away his medal because he testedpositive for marijuana, which is kinda redundant number one. number two, they said that marijuana was a"performance-enhancing drug". marijuana enhances many things, colors, tastes,sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered.
when you're stoned, you're lucky if you canfind your own goddamn feet. the only way it's a performance-enhancingdrug is if there's a big fucking hershey bar at theend of the run. then you'll be like... then you'll be like a swiss ski jumper going,"i'm there!" pour canadian snowboarder. they asked forhis medal back and he couldn't find it. it was around hisfucking neck! get out of here, you little goofy canadianbastard, eh. they have weird sports like the biathalon
which is like norwegian drive-by. get the tv, hans! the canadians won the gold medal in hockey. god bless you canadian people. you're so fucking nice eh. it's your only fucking sport, come on! that and a mutant form of football. "we've got men, we have a longer field" you have fun, enjoy!
canada's like a loft apartment over a reallygreat party. keep it down, eh! we are nice. we have jean chrã©tien, our greatprime minister. he was the only man in the world: "i don'tneed no secret service" "if a guy comes to hit me, i fucking knockhim out eh." "i'm jean chrã©tien. first was your president,who's a cretin". quebec is going to break away from canada,but still keep the currency. it's like a kid moving out of the house, "but i still would like to get money". fuckoff you!
canadian money is also called "the looney". how can you take an economic crisis seriously? - the looney is down! - oh, how sad for you! what are you saying, eh? everyone was so happy that at the olympicsthe security was so tight. security was amazing at the olympics. you chose the whitest fucking state in theunion! an arab in utah is like an albino at the apollo.you would notice! - i found one! - it's just ted. everybodyout!
the problem was that there was basically whitepowder everywhere. all the dogs looking for anthrax were going: "you go, man, you go!" pour dogs they looked for anthrax and cocaine. in the cage at the end of the day they'regoing: "i can't taste my ass, i don't know why?" "it's my tail!" meanwhile your cat sits over there going: "you're still an asshole, you know that".
is it me, or are cat's drag queens? the way they kinda go: 'who loves kitty?' "are these your shoes?" who loves kitty? who loves kitty? male cats have an amazing thing, kinda walk around going: "that's mine!" "mine!" "i like that too." thank god men aren't like that!
"nice car, bob. mine now!" - what are you doing? - just shopping! the whole anthrax thing had people going... they said: "don't open your mail!" - why? - there's white powder in envelopes. really?! your mother and i used to look for white powderin envelopes. we weren't on-line. we did lines, my friend. and there were ninjas on the fucking line,trying to kill us.
and now, there are people trying to kill us. and that's why i bought a gas mask. i can't even get a condom on when i want to! "hey, baby. yeah, i got a love glove. holdon." "i'll be right with you, honey." "don't go away on me now." you're playing "beat the cock". "i got it, i got it!" there's your penis like a midget in a divingsuit...
"i don't think we're going in today, pete. we didn't make the deadline." remember when they sent anthrax to tom daschle'soffice? and they cleared that fucking place out. everybody out, come on! helmets, suits, they'reall leaving. and when the congressman walked out they go: "but the rest of you, go about your lives." "everything is perfectly ok." "we'll be miles away."
it's like when you go to the dentist and heputs a shit over your balls. he walks behind concrete, going: "you'll befine!" how can you tell if congress was sick? it's night of the living dead anyway. all those old senators going: "the confederate flag is just the symbol ofstates' rights." yeah, and the swastika is just a good luckcharm. when did ted kennedy become jabba the hutt? he's huge!
you're a kennedy, not a maisy's day float,come on! bring him down. we're voting! step away, boy. i said "no" to the crispycream. congress recently approved the covert plan to assassinate saddam hussein. so what they've done, is publicly approve the secret plan to assassinate hussein. i wonder if he knows? i know there's a cure for bio terrorism orwhatever it is.
and it lies within keith richards, i knowthat. he is the only man on the planet who can go: "anthrax? all right..." doesn't go with my e. cola, but fuck...! keith is the only man who can make the osborneslook fucking amish. i've seen him going to a drug dealer who said:"i'm out, man!" "i have nothing left." supposedly he goes to switzerland and changeshis blood. not like one pike, but like a fucking chevrolette,all of it.
i just wanna know who gets his blood? some old swiss man going: "you've gotta go on tour, bitch!" "we gotta pay for mixed babies." we may all be dead and gone, keith will still be there with five cockroaches. he'll be going, "i smoked your uncle, didyou know that? fucking crazy..." every so often, rumsfeld comes out and goes,
"i don't know where. i don't know when. but something awful's going to happen. thank you, that's all for today, no furtherquestions." excuse me, can you give me a clue? what is it, the central "intuitive" agencynow? are you working with miss cleo? i don't know where, i don't know when, but sometin' awful's gonna happen! and definitely don't marry that fat man.
he only wants you for your money, girl! people are suing miss cleo for fraud. i went:"fucking da!" what do you want? a blind tarot card beforeyou go, "ah ha!" if she's a psychic, why does she need a fuckin'phone number? number two, that fake jamaican accent? if she was a real psychic, she'd be one of those louisiana psychics,like, "you gonna die!" they have to puck your ass up and have a place for your bike, come on now!
it's like buying hair care products from cher. she's wearing a wig, you idiot! take that abdominal thing helping you loseweight while it shocks your fat ass sitting watchingtv. i'm getting six-pack-abs by knocking my testiclesaround! you strap that to your head. and say, "i will not buy stupid shit for noreason!" now we are in troubled times.
when it happened, i thought the statue ofliberty would change. instead of "give me your tired and your poor," it would be her with a baseball bat going"you want a piece of me." there was hardcore security. in ny stoppingpeople in the tunnel.. in washington they had f- s flying, air covereverywhere. in san francisco, not so hardcore security. at golden gate bridge there's a hummer andi'm talking about the car. one hummer here, two guardsmen, same at theother end of the bridge. the problem is that the hummer and the guardsmen
are in jungle camouflage. for those who never been to sf, the bridgeis bright orange. so i feel like going: "be vely, vely quiet. we're wooking for tewwowists." airport security, before all this happenedit was: "beep, ok, get on the plane, come on." "what's that? oh, that's a gun. ok, get onthe plane." you could carry a four inch blade, that'sabout that long. now, you can't even take a nail-clipper ona plane.
what, are they afraid you're gonna go "allright! give me the plane or the bitch loses a cuticle. i have a nail file. i can be irritating." and if you have a steak or a piece of meat,they won't give you a knife. it's like the quest for fire flight. "sir, you're making a lot of noise." the hindu man in the back is going: "holdthe bowl higher". "don't be afraid to beg, use your hands." now the airport security is tight. you gothrough the metal detector
and if you are heavily pierced, like someof my friends: "take out your keys, sir." "tip of the iceberg." for those playing the home game, this is calleda prince albert. i'm sure that was his last wish. i'm sure albert said, "victoria, i'm dying. i want you to name a museum, a performancehall and a bolt through the cock after me." "that will be victoria's secret. go, my darling."
"say a little song to people that have littleanal floss." and i'm talking heavily pierced. not like britney spears: "i'm a virgin!" yeah and michael jackson is the father. moveon! i'm talking like a hoop through your nipple. you know, lady.. i'm guessing! just the kind when your clothes are going... when you have a big hoop, what you're gonnado? tie up a pony? no! or you have two. he's and hers towels, whateveryou want!
a towel down here, so you can wash up. fun! it's interesting when you see a girl witha bolt through her tongue. why did you do that? to enahthe the thekthual thtimulathon. "nothing drives my boyfriend crazy like the feel of cold steel on his hot rock." "but the problem is i ended up knocking outall my teeth and living in a trailer park with a man namedbubba." that's the trade-off, my darling.
you get a tattoo with a barb wire at and by the time you're it's fucking picketfence. and madonna turns into mother hamilton. "i'm dying, melting." here's what you wanna do. when i was growing up i didn't have playboyor penthouse. sad for me! but i had national geographic and the girls that got me crazy... you know the ones with the slinky neck going...
do that, drive your parents crazy going downthe stairs... or do the full ubangy go: "mom, dad, it's also a cd-player". and you can take out the plate and jump withyour lower lip. have fun! watch grandma go: "shit!" union guys going: "don't touch it, mr williams!" this shit is gonna be more precious than oil. ten years from now, it's already started tohappen. people going:
"i got water. and if you want it cold, i got ice, motherfucker." going on the planes now, a sweet little southernstewardess going: "ladies and gentlemen, before we board flightfive, we're just gonna do a few random bag checks." "these are totally random." "i'm just gonna read of a few names:" "has'n't'been' seen, akeem been'laid,
have'n't'been fucked, judy smith? arabs and a blonde? and every black and hispanic man in the roomis going: "thank you, god!" "oh, yes, we're off the list, mother fucker,yeah!" "they're gonna be fucking with you now, habib." "you better learn to go orderly." they take the knitting needles from the eighty-year-oldlady, 'why, cause i'm gonna knit an afghan?' give'em to me!
and they're patting a five year old boy down,and he's going, 'what are you doing? you're not a priest,let go of me!' i see! you've had a problem too, i guess. father pats little boys down, like, 'good game, boy, good game! wash up, reallywash up!' they caught them, but they had a divine witnessprotection program. find the priest, here's the pity fall, here's the priest, find the pity fall. don't you ask, don't you tell, you might endup right in hell.
here's your check, direct from rome, buy yourselfa brand new home. isn't that amazing ? the pope... applause break number two. it was amazing when the pope gathered thecardinals in rome and went... the only problem is that he's dressed likeliberace stunt double. i have a solution, though ! for problem priests, a little shock collar,going near a kid it's like: 'you know, timmy... tommy, i think... !
or the automated confessional, could be fun. 'if this is a venal sin, press one. if this is a carnal sin, press two. if this is cardinal law, please stay on theline.' cause you have to remember, it's not justa sin, it's a felony! so we have to keep track! right now they're up there watching. "hi,mr edgecroft." we're now under the offices of homeland security. tom ridge ever so often goes: "today is ablue day." "no, orange" "red".
they had to be very careful picking that name:"homeland security". they couldn't say fatherland because a lotof the old germans are going: "that's a good one!" but homeland sounds like homefront security, which was england during wwii. old men with pitchforks and colostomy bags,defending england! there they were, rudolph has personally: "i threw my colostomy bag, covered him inshite and said 'get off of that fucker, you fucker,get out'"
and i also find out now, that winston churchill, one of the greatest orators of all time, may have been so fucked up on cognac and champagne, that he didn't do some of his great speeches. they were done by a man from the bbc, whoalso did "winnie the pooh". will fight them on the beaches, in the air,on the land! eeyore and tigger!' and, he was fighting against hitler! a man who a book recently declared was a homosexual,
and i always thought this was a clue! that and the leather and the dancing! we are now finding ourselves once again drownto england during these troubled times. tony blair, a militant liberal. here, george w bush, compassionate conservative. this sounds like a volvo with a gun rack,but... here, tony blair, a man who addressed thehouse of common, which is like congress, with a two drink minimum,crazy place!
- i believe my worthy opponent... - fuck off! i'll bullet you, bastard. fuck you! would someone remove ms tatcher from the chamber? tony said: "this heinous incident has broughtus to the edge of oblivion..." "but our civilization shall endure!" and there's poor w going: "shit, i can't evenspell that." 'cause you look at bush and you realize it'sbush . . it's a piner release. it came with certainbugs in the software.
"this country will not be taken hostile, oops, delete, delete, hostage." and you look at him and realize he has a shortattention span. "our economy is going... oh, look at the kitty". he kinda reminds me of a guy in college witha towel going... gotcha! you just don't want him to drive. some men are born great, some achieve greatness, some get it as a graduation gift. it's ok! historically...
you must look at it from a historical perspective. he's george the second. the boy-king. a man we thought could only loose, but somehowwon, because of confused hebrews. yes! w doesn't speak while channey's drinking water.check it out! when everything went down, they put w out there, but they protected channey. channey had an angioplasty. most people waittill it heals. he was like: "i'm perfectly fine!"
"i'm ok!" and there's ashcroft in the back: "work yourarms, you asshole!" you have to remember, john ashcroft is a man who lost to a dead man in missouri. choices in missouri were: john ashcroft - deadman. and people in missouri went: "i'm sorry, john, but the dead man scaresme less than you do." here's the drill for me. you know what's strange? it doesn't scare me that w. waved at steviewonder.
that's ok. stevie's only been blind since birth! and there's w. going: "stevie !" even stevie wonder's going, "is that motherfucker waving at me? does he think i'm looking for him? goddamn!" no! what scares me is that w almost died from a fucking pretzel. we have billions of dollars in national defense. they want billions more for national security.
and he almost fucking goes down from snackfood! secret service is going: "games over, man!" "gilligan's down. gilligan's down." "step away from the chip, sir!" we have to have people go: "hydrate, you bastard!" his own dogs didn't give a shit. they werelicking him for the salt. you need a dog that cares. a dog like lassie. "what's wrong, lassie? the president swallowedsomething and you did the heimlich?"
"what else, girl?" "mr channey is meeting with the enron people?" "an enron employee is secretary of the navy?" "what about the harken loan?" "sorry, girl, we gonna have to put you down." oh, kenny boy. the feds, the feds are coming. welcome, boys and girls, to disney's new ride. investment pirates of the caribbean. your money checks in, it doesn't check out.
sometimes you catch george unprepared andhe says unusual things. - mr bush, what are we gonna do? - we're gonnaconduct a crusade. and everybody in the room went... all throughout the middle east... hide the women and children and the numberzero, they're coming! and you can't bomb the afghanis back to thestone age because they'll go: "upgrade. fun!" today's bombing raid has enlarged the holefrom yesterday's bombing raid. we have moved trouble from here, to here.
in the upper right corner, possible memberof the talibans, or "concubine", we're not sure. we did fire the million dollars cruise missileand we're successful. operation "extreme redundancy" is carryingon! then we dropped bombs, food, food, bombs. and here's the fun part: some of the bombs were little yellow bombs... and the food packages were little yellow packages. so now you're playing "survivor: the realgame."
"i was here yesterday... i'm gonna go forthis one today..." and what was in those packages? pop-tarts, peanut butter, all you need is a honey-baked ham and you'llhave a redneck christmas. who dropped the honey-baked ham on the muslims? why are we dropping pop-tarts and peanut butteron afghanistan? number one: it taste a shit load better thandirt. number two and more importantly: it's very difficult to have a call to jihad
with a mouth full of peanut butter. secondly... or thirdly, for those keepingtrack... afghanistan is a hashish smoking culture. and everyone who's ever been a friend of thehooka will go: "pop-tarts!" yes! got milk? we're trying to win hearts and minds. howdo we do that? we build an amusement park "muslim mountain"with gadafi ducks? no! do we have a wet burger contest? no!
do we play cat stevens' records all day? "fuckoff!" drop martha stuart's titts? no! do we have a children show called "saudi dudi"?no! what we must do is go the way you gotta geta sister. you know? you gotta get a sister from brooklin. you know what i mean, aha, girl? you knowwhat i'm sayin'? one of those bitches you see on jerry springer. drop her ass in kabul, she'll go: "girl, you don't have to dress like a motherfucking beekeeper!"
"you don't have to be casper's bitch, forgetall that!" if he picks up a rock, 'cause you're talkingto another man, you pick a bigger rock and say: "hit the fan,mother fucker!" he tries to cut off your clitoris, make youa barbie doll, you grab a knife and say: "lorena bobbit time!" "don't make me, 'cause i'll go oprah on yourass. don't make me!" we're dealing with fundamentalists... amish are fundamentalists, but they don'ttry and hijack a carriage at needlepoint.
and, if you're ever in amish country and yousee a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that'sa mechanic. who are we looking for? ossama bin laden, one of children. even freud would say: "he has issues." what does he look like without the beard? howard stern, barbra streisand? i don't know,i don't care! i know this: he's a six foot five arab ondialysis... why is that so fucking hard to find?
look for somebody attached to their luggage. i also know this. when you see the tapes ofhim, you see a psychopath. wait a minute. we have some of our own! theodor kasinsky, sitting around with nothingto do. ted's played "a beautiful mind", the homegame. you give ted a mailing list and some tools... ted, these people have been bad. - are they bad? - very bad! - i just want a few things. - i know you do!
or we get charles manson. great organizer,incredible with chicks. you can't use him. chucky all the time comes out for parole with a swastika on his forehead. - i'm better. - in many ways, yeah. - what would you do if you got out? - i'dkill everybody. what are we dealing with? one of the fundamental things is in a jihad. sounds like a country western term like jeeha.
and if you are in a jihad and you kill aninfidel which, i'm sad to say, is all of us and you yourself die... you go to heaven and you are greeted by dark-haired virgins. now everyone who's ever been with one virginis going... "i don't know..." "for my talent portion..." recently, there was a article in the new yorktimes,
a koran scholar said: "the actual translation is not dark-hairedvirgins, but crystal clear raisins." slight difference in interpretation, really. it's like instead of "thy shall not kill"is "thy shall not wear a kilt". and the scottish are going: "fuck off!" imagine some guy blows himself up, goes tothe gates of heaven: - where are my bitches? - here are your raisins. or virgils going: "you got a pretty face!"
ossama bin laden goes to the gates of heaven, there's george washington going: "how dare you defy that what we created" and gets violent on his ass. other members of the congress start kickingthe shit outta him. ossama: "where are the virgins?" " virginians, you asshole!" "i must talk to jesus christ!" "where is jesus christ?"
and saint peter goes: "hey, jesus, did youcall a cab?" i heard it. finally the pc's. we crossed the politically correct line. it's ok to beat the shit out of them, butdon't do the ethnic jokes. how buddhist of you! remember when they destroyed the two buddhas? what did buddha do? nothing! what is the buddhist terrorist do? goes in the middle of the street, takes thegas... self barbecue!
people are killing each other in the nameof god: "what the fuck are you doing?" making your deal with your shit. i don't understand the whole fundamentalistthing. i'm an episcopal. that's catholic light. same religion, half the guilt. it's frightening. catholics have confession, episcopals have: "thanks giving your father has a couple ofgin and tonics" "i never loved you mother, you know that,don't you?!"
"i didn't, dad. and she's right there. tellher again." episcopal is basically church of england whichwas henry the -th breaking away from the catholic church: "i'mthe fucking pope now!" than people broke away from that church, the calvinists found him to be too loose. than the puritans broke away from the calvinists,our ancestors, people so uptight, the english kicked themout. how anal do you have to be for the englishto go: "get the fuck out!" "take your pimp shoes and go!"
and they land here in america going: "hello!" "we bring you guilt, syphilis and alcohol." "here chief, try this and once you drunk it, keep moving towards your feathers flow. thereyou go!" and the indians go: "we have a gift for you." for us is a secret herb. for you it will bean addictive carcinogen. "tobacco is a lot of fun. and a good cashdrop, yeah." "welcome to clusters. the casino that cares. this is my wife. she sits for the full house.
it's time for the white men to get drunk. and we'll get back the land you took fromus." the puritans stayed here and groups brokeaway from them and then we got the people who knock on yourdoor at : am on sunday going: "have you found jesus?" you just wanna come to the door nude and go: "no. help me look for him! come on!" people like pat robinson and jerry falwellsay:
"this was brought upon us by our sinful ways." i wanna put them on a plane, take them tothe ayatollah and have world wide fundamentalist wrestling. one time only. a life after death match forall of our souls. let's get ready to humble. here's the drill. fundamentalists take itto be "the word". not translatable, not metaphorical: "the word". in the genesis, "let it be light!" could bea metaphor for the big bang? no. god just went click.
we are all descendants from adam and eve.so we are all cousins. that's right. there are miracles in the bible. like when moses, and i'm not talking guns'n'moses,no! not charlton heston going: "let the jews go or pharaoh gets two in thehead. no! charlton heston, who said: "guns don't kill people... apes with gunskill people." no, chucky! the second amendment
started from people going like this... and that still continues. that's ok! when moses said to pharaoh: "let my peoplego". and pharaoh went: "in your dreams!" and moses called the god: "god, i need somehelp!" and frogs fell from the sky. or maybe there were jews with catapults going:"now!". thank god it wasn't the french, 'cause theywould go: "lunch!" "you're great caterers, i can't let you go,you crazy people!"
frogs fell from the sky. i would be going:"get your shit and out!" i said wait a minute! that's what we shoulddrop on afghanistan. not bombs, not food... fucking frogs! frogs, lizards, hamsters, shit the heavenseen. if you wanna get people out of caves, a shitload of ny rats. ny rats would be going: "hey, come on, raid!" "i eat pussy literarily. bring it on!" even then pharaoh was not impressed: "please,david copperfield, no!" and then boils and then first born dies.
"that's it! hebrews get out!" and everybody... let's not wait for the bread to rise. just get the crackers and the skin off yourpenis. we're leaving. excuse me! why the skin off the penis? we're traveling, people. you don't want sandin there. and this is so passã©! the dicky thing, forgetit. let's move! we're going to the desert. then they get thecommandments, that would be adjusted later by certain presidents.
and they get to the red sea. and they go: "what now, mr magic, what dowe do now?" we're gonna walk on the "fregs bocks", the"frogs bucks... frogs backs! thank you for watching me this far. obviously, i did inhale. "what do we do now, mr bigshot?" and he calls to god again and the sea parts. and even the most doubting jew is going: "you'regood!"
let's move, don't eat the shellfish. i'lltell you why later. where are we going? to jerusalem to start years of struggling, and later to miami to fuck up an election. and then the pharaoh comes, the sea closesand he calls his cat-like god but the cat-like god can't do shit, 'causeit's afraid of water. and then there's another miracle. the night that mary said to joe: "joe, i'mpregnant." joe went: "holly mother of god!" she went:"you're right!"
- oh, jesus christ! - what a great name, joe! that is so much better than shmul. way togo! - i love you, joe! - hold on a minute, mary. - so i'm the step father? - yeah. i can't discipline him, i can't tell him he'swrong, 'cause he'll look to me saying: "you're notmy real dad." - how did it happen? - it's immaculate, joe. it better be, mary! it better be immaculate! i'm sorry i'm transforming joe into ralphcramdon.
up to that point, all the names in the bibleare very jewish. you have noah, moses, zebedee and then youget mary and joe. we're just a hyphenate away from mary-jeanand joe-bob. we could've had jim bob, the son of god. praise to him, jim-bob he, who finds the stuff and gets me a job,jim-bob jesus was an only child. thank god! who would want to be jerry, the brother ofchrist? that's a tough gig.
"come on, jerry, we're going to the beach." jesus's gonna walk on the water, feed everybody,heal them and get a whole bunch of disciples. i'll sat there with a rash and sand in myass. great day for me! he ends up in a bar at the age of going: "yeah,i'm jerry christ. yeah, i healed somebody. come here spot, heel!look at that!" jesus is a carpenter, i'm a plumber. you dothe math! and people say to me jesus wasn't jewish...of course he was jewish! thirty years old, single, living at home withhis parents, come on.
working in his father's business, his mother thought he was god's gift, he'sjewish! give it up! it's an old tradition! and if he was jewish, and many of his discipleswere jewish, for the last supper, would they not have goneout for chinese? 'welcome to yahweh. hold on one minute; noservice, no sandals. okay, you come in now. you're twelve. all i got is two tables ofsix. they're not together. i also have a table by the window, but youall have to face this way.
you are glowing, so i guess we don't needthat lamp, that's very nice! you've just turned a szechwan chicken intoa live chicken, you very good!' it's said that night, he turned to his disciples, and said: "one of you shall betray me." peter said, "is it me, jesus?" jesus said,"it is not you peter." simon said, "is it me, jesus?" jesus said,"it is not you simon." and judas said: "is it me, jesus?" jesus turned to him: "is it me, jesus?" thus you see two traditions beginning:
jewish sarcasm and gentile humor. togetherborn! the next day the miracle occurred: crucifixion,resurrection and he rose again from the dead and if hesees his shadow another years of guilt. yes! for me, the one big question is: how do youget crucifixion, resurrection and then chocolate bunnies, colored eggs? how do you do that one? even kids are going: "rabbits don't lay eggs.what is this?" and you don't want a kid biting the head offa chocolate jesus.
you don't want a cream filled cross going... you don't wanna put raspberry jam in the grassgoing: "we're looking for jesus, kids, come one!" what are we trying to do? you're trying tokeep them involved. that's why we have all the saints that didall those amazing things. they're all there to keep your action up. and then we're starting to loose them. like saint christopher: "chris, sorry, babe. dashboard sales are down."
"the medals aren't selling well. drop the kid off your back, pick up your stuff,you're outta here." we're gonna have saint prada, all ladies accessories. but i want a saint like mother teresa. she said: "you can do only small things withgreat love." and pat robinson said: "she's not a real christian!" "why? 'cause she doesn't have tag shelterand a university?" mother teresa never had a line of products,her own perfume: "compassion" by mother teresa.
"i smell, because i care. compassion!" gandhi never had 'gandhi jeans', whether you're simply not eating and tellthe english to get the fuck out. they come in size one and below. gandhi was an amazing man. they asked him: "what do you think about westerncivilization?" he said: "i think it would be a wonderfulidea." as beatific as gandhi was, there was somebodyin a bombay bar going: "i know gandhi. he was a prick."
"i saw him sucking on a pork hot-dog, hittingon mother teresa." "he kept saying: who's your diaper daddy?" "i saw that with my eyes. if you don't believe me, i'll bitch slap youlike shiva." "don't press this. don't fucking do that!" don't go ding-dong, you asshole! 'cause india has the atomic bomb, my friend. they could turn this place into chicken chicha. india has the bomb. pakistan has the bomb.
and we're preparing to fight over kashmir. and your president probably thought it wasa sweater. what an asshole! india detonated ground nuclear tests. pakistan detonated ground nuclear tests. and your spy satellites were like ray charlesin the louvre. they didn't have a fucking clue. china has the bomb. or maybe they just have one billion peoplegoing "bum!" russia has the bomb. "we have many bombs."
we don't know were they all are. maybe you want a dirty bomb. and the french have a bomb, too. maybe they have a bomb that only destroys restaurants under four stars. they still test their bombs. they still needtheir bombs. where did they do the underground test? in the sahara, in the total waste land? no, fuck off! in tahiti! in paradise.
why? "because we're french." "look a green peace boat coming to protest. fuck off, i sink you." "i'm the badest mother fucker, am i not?" "look, i'm giving a cigarette to a baby." "suck on the cigarette. life is shit. getto know this." "you, americans. fuck all of you americans!" "americans, you politically correct. you culturelesscrack americans." "we hate all of you. fuck off!"
"the germans are here. hello, americans!" "i love you! come on, americans." "welcome back, americans." "you can build the disneyland near paris." "we won't go, but build it." "i will have a minnie mouse with armpit hair.it will be great!" smoking a galloise, going: "i never lovedmickey". "he has three fingers. what am i, a bowlingball? fuck off!" "don't love him!"
but there is one country that watches outfor all of us: the swiss, ya! the geneva convention. if there's ever a nuclear war, they will bethe only people going: "vhat was that noise?" in their big hollowed up country, with their chocolate and their watches. ya! the nice germans. ya! or, as they like to say, "the other whiterace." i have only one question:
how can you trust an army, that has a wineopener on it's knife? many of you, men, have never open a chardonnayunder fire. you take out the wine bottle, put out thecock and throw. y:i i don't know, but i've been told, chardonnaymust be self-cold my god! where did all this impressionisticart come from? and all these jewelry from to ? fairies must've brought it during the night. i have to do the heimlich coughing on an accountnumber. i know this one thing...
i know there's one country that's not developinga weapon of destruction. that does not have a secret weapons' lab upin the mountains. jamaica! howdy, man! jamaica would never make an atomic bomb. they may make an atomic bong. when the atomic bomb goes off, there's devastation and radiation. when the atomic bong goes off, there's celebration!
smoke a split for the communion. if you don't see jesus than, you never will. i know only one thing. i never met me an angry pot smoker. i never met a man who said: "hey, you fuckingprick!" "oh, fuck! what was i gonna do?!" "hold me, you piece of shit. get over here!" because you see, marihuana...
i know this one. wait a minute. if you smoke a lot of pot, you may never becomea rocket scientist. or maybe... if you seen some of the things that happenlately to nasa, maybe you can. the mars lander... i did the calculations in feet, but i programmed the lander in meters. so, instead of landing, fucker buried! million dollars... oopsy!
two years... splat! ok, fuck! here's a better one! the hubble telescope... i forgot to put in a lens. read the top line. "officer jerry, serial..." "the rest is just a black hole." i once called steven hawking. "hello, thisis steven hawking" - i'd like to leave a message. - no. thisis steven hawking. i know one thing though.
pot is not like alcohol. alcohol changes yourmoods. go to a bar at happy hour and see some happymother fuckers there. guys going: "hey, fuck you, my man!" "hey, listen to me." "listen to me, you piece of shit." "you do not know shit about fuck, my man." "you want a piece of yourself?" "step outside, i'll kick my ass". "i've already shit myself. i'm half way there".
you can deal with the genetic. if you're irish, you've got a running start that you can do it better than we are. not only will you kick my ass, but you'llsing about it, afterwards. y:i "oh, the night you said my wife was fat, y:i i knocked you down and shit in your hat." and you keep drinking 'till you're in yours and you're on a dialysis, doing liver dancing michael flatline. they say the irish saved civilization,
drank a couple of guiness and forgot where they fucking put it. butthat's all right! the japanese drink differently than us. you could be polite during the day and all of a sudden you're: "arigato gozaimas" and after five jack daniels: "tide the yellowribbon!" karaoke for an asshole with a microphone. sing, you round eyed fuck, come on! if ya want a linguistic adventure, go drinkin'with a scotsman.
'cause ya couldn't fucking understand thembefore... you land in scotland and they're going: - oh, yeah. - oh, yeah? - sure. - oh, fuck sure, eh! - sure! - sure, you dumb fucking bastard. you realize how drunk they get, they couldwear a skirt and not care! and only they could invent a sport like golf. here's my idea for a fucking sport. i knock a ball in a gopher hole.
- like pool? - fuck off pool. not with a straight stick, with a little fuckedup stick. i whack a ball, it goes in a gopher hole. - oh, you mean like croquet? - fuck croquet! i put the hole hundreds of yards away. oh, fuck of ya ! big fun, yeah! - oh, like a bowling thing? - fuck no! not straight. i put shit in the way. like trees and bushes and high grass.
so you can lose you fucking ball. and go hacking away with a fucking tire iron. whacking away, and each time you miss youfeel like you'll have a stroke. fuck that's what we'll call it, a stroke, cause each time you miss you feel like you'regonna fucking die. oh great, oh and here's the better part. fuck,this is brilliant! right near the end, i'll put a little flatpiece with a little flag to give you fucking hope. but then i'll put a little pool and a sandbox,
to fuck with your ball again. ay, you'll be there cracking you ass, jackingaway in the sand. - and you do this one time? - fuck no! fucking times! that's my idea of a sport! the manly sport of golf, where you can dress like a pimp and no onewill care. even a gay blind man would go: "oh, dear christ!" "those are loud. this is no carnival. whata fuck are you on?"
even the alligators are going: "asshole!" it's such an athletic sport: whack the ball,get in the car. whack the ball, get in the car. and the commentary's electrifying. just this side of curling, for really gettingme going. third hole. could people be quiet, i'd like to hear thegrass grow. i'd like the guy who does mexican soccer todo golf one time. the ball is ready.
hole! just to see al those waspy mother fuckersgoing: "oh, dear christ!" "my god, they're not gardening, they're playingnow, oh, shit!" what a hell we gonna do? that was their lastdomain of dominance. it was their area. they were the kings. up until tiger! son of a black man and a thai woman. not even a german geneticist could've thoughtthan one up!
black athletic ability, buddhist concentration. crouching potter. and than he goes to the british open, and he plays at saint andrews, who the fuckinginvented the sport. and after the forth round, he's under par. and there's only fucking holes. and all the old men going: "my god, we'redoomed!" "how did he learn to play? we wouldn't havelet him join." and they start having nightmares of golf cartsgoing...
y:i yo, yo, yo i'm playing through y:i whether you're gentile or a jew y:i mother fucker! all the gentle sports are no longer gentle.tennis used to be... untill the williams sisters... - love? - no. that's good love, baby! even boxing is changed. before people were saying "i go to boxingto watch the sport of boxing." like saying, "i go to stock car races
to see people take left turns all day." no, you go to boxing to see somebody get thefuck beat up. even the guy who loses is going: "i have milliondollars." "i don't know where the fucking is. i'm gonna buy me a big ass house, but i can'tfind it. fuck off!" boxing was the same. and then: mike tyson! mike tyson comes along and bites somebody. let's get ready to nibble! "oh, dear god, he bit somebody!"
i'm saying "you're lucky he just bit somebody. mike just got out of prison. you're luckyhe didn't fuck him." you bite somebody in jail: "you're ready bitch,you're mine!" - break it up! - we're not finish. mike said to a journalist: "i'm gonna fuckyou, too! you love me." at that point i'm going: "someone didn't comehere to box, baby." mike said: "i'm on zoloft, so i don't killyou, mother fuckers!" i'm going: "up the dosage, mike!" there's all these drugs: zoloft, prozac.
i wanna have one drug encompassing it all. call it "fuckitall". i don't feel anything. i don't wanna do anything."fuckitall" the closest thing to a coma you'll ever be."fuckitall" i'm sitting here in my own dong. "fuckitall"! the scary thing about drugs is that they havehorrible side effects. "may cause artificial insemination." what? what do you mean? there's a product called olestra, which isa very strange thing.
olestra? what is that? it's said on a little said: "may cause analleakage." that's not a side effect if my ass is going... i'd say that's an effect, really! "fire in the hole!" bad day! - how you're doing, bob? - just a little analleakage, ted. bob, you wanna get out of the pool right now? i want science to help me. god, look at me!look at this! i had women in ny saying: "don't wear fur!"
the politically correct... red paint: "fuckoff, lady, it's me!" i'm a fucking chia pat. i went to the zoo and had monkeys go: anybody who thinks the zoo is a happy place, go watch the monkeys wait for groups of schoolchildren. watch the fun. the monkeys sit there, like... "wait for it". "wait till the teacher comes with the videocamera." "now!"
because they're not happy. even the poor animals like ling ling the panda, she must mate, so you can build a wing onthe zoo. they go to china, they anesthetize a panda, which is kinda redundant... they bring him back to america and give hima name like ping pong. when his chinese name was who shu ko hu, bear with balls of steel. they put him in a cage with ling ling, saying:"go, mate!"
he looks at her like: "i would never fuckher!" "that is one ugly panda bitch." "if you were panda, you'd know that's thefucking ugliest panda bitch." i wouldn't have fuck her with a koala's dick! fuck off! i would rather lick my own balls, than fuckthat panda bitch! there's only one animal who can tell you if she's happy and wants to mate. that is coco, the silver back gorilla.
she saw me, the blue eyed simian. she was intrigued. she said to her trainer... - what is that mean? - she wants you to tickleher. ok, i tickle her... then she goes... - what is that mean? - she wants you to liftyour shirt. i lift my shirt, she reaches out and grabsboth my nipples. and when an pound gorilla's got you by thetitts...
you listen! then my balls went: "somebody wants to play." - should we go to phase two? - no! do notgo to phase two! "i repeat! do not go to liftoff!" "this may feel like a human, but notice theplacement of the tumbs." "this is not a human!" "do not go to phase two!" "warning! warning!" she must've sense something, 'cause she grabsme by the hand,
takes me in the back. daktari meets delivrance. i'm expecting the crocodile hunter to walkout and go: "cranky! she wants to fuck his brains out." "watch out, boys and girls. danger! danger!danger!" "this could be like that time i put my fingerin a crock's cloette." but part of me went: "could be fun!" would make a great story for a bar. a guy's going: "i had a wild night in vegas." "yeah? i banged a gorilla."
"where's everybody going?" and you don't want that late night phone call:"hello?" "don't call me!" maybe it's because i'm . when you hit the old machinery doesn't workso well. you're at a public rest-room: "how're youdoing? great game today." "oh, boy!" what's happened is: your prostate is biggerthan your ego now. when you're in your s, you go to the doctorthey have to do the old...
first time is: "oh, my god!" "i'm just putting on the glove, mr williams" i went back the second time and i moaned anotherdoctor's name. don't do that! - who's dr smith? - you're the only one! when a woman has to go to the gynecologist, you don't want a doctor who has a hobby. you don't want a gynecologist who's also amagician. you don't want: "how are we today? uh, a dove!"
"what's this?!" "is this your card?" i don't want a doctor who's a proctologistand ventriloquist. no! how you're doing today? take your hand out' of my ass. i'm not a muppet.move it! in your s it's no longer the... it's the ortho-proctoscope. the colonoscopy. that's what w did. it's a video camera at the end of a rodeorudder. and it's going up you!
suddenly, you're your own discovery channelspecial. "slowly, we're going up robin's colon." "this must be what you see." "slowly up ahead, a burger he had in ' ." - is that a polyp? - that's a fart, mr williams. to go further up your ass, they blow air. now you're a fucking party favor. oh, doctor, give me all you can take! i'ma man. give me psi! you feel like a piã±ata, you think littlemexican kids
are gonna come out and go: "get the presents!" the air is coming this way. the farts aregoing: "incoming!" "it's not a... no finger! it's the midget! "fall back behind the shit, wait for my command!" "prepare to make the wet sloppy noise!" the moment they pull out off your ass, youare on heaven road! y:i rolling, rolling, rolling keep that colonflowing! miles, blowing outta you! you put on your pants and floating like aballoon on america's cup.
come on, jimmy. then you realize... oh, shit, fire in thehole! tighten up boys, we're not gonna drop here. thank you, doctor. see you next week. hold the elevator! fuck you, you bastard! seven flights of stairs. everybody you pass, you're going: "it's me!" dogs look at you like: "roll over, man, you'redad!"
you just wanna borrow a match. give me that! flaming asshole. that's what you are. you're a flaming asshole!you're ! and can they make a drug to help you throughall of that, to keep all of your organs intact until yourgolden years? no! can they make a drug to give you mental clarity to your golden time? no! they've got a drug to make you harder thanchinese algebra! grandpa can have wood again.
- i don't need the walker! - i see that! and your grandmother's going: "shit! i thought the war was over!" "get me a tetanus shot, if you gonna stickme with that rusty thing!" people have died on viagra. they had to havean open coffin! "i don't remember pete being like that." "kids, go get some horse shoes". "he would've wanted it that way." you used to get that from some strange chineseaphrodisiacs.
humming bird eyelash and rhino horn. to give you great masculinity. but now you're on viagra. you're frankencock! you are the inseminator! you are ready to go! you're gonna be going for one hour, one hourand a half! guys are going: "yeah!" women are going:... 'cause after the first hour, your wife isgoing: yay, oh, big daddy...
listen, i got shit to do, ok? "hello!" "yeah, i'll be late today. viagra, fucking..." "i'll try and get there. go outside with thatthing!" you can't go outside with a hard-on cause the cat just waits for you to go... and your dog is going: "wow, you too?!" can't go to work like: - hey, bob! - how're you, pete?
i'm happy to be here today. direct traffic, no, you can't do shit! you have to make it go away. you slap it. it's like one of those punch-me clowns. "i'm not going anywhere!" you have to freeze it up. in the old days was... now, after an hour and a half, you've got more semen than the fifth fleet.
so, when you go, it's like... oh, my eyes! and your wife goes: "now you know how it feels,asshole!" aim for the titts, hawk eye! i'm like the lawn boy. get out! save yourselves! - not the drapes! - too late.. i own themnow. you run out of semen and your testicles aregoing: "we still got an erection, chief!"
give me blood, give me urine, any fluid! oh, god, please make this fucking shit goaway! you do every goofy, fucking orgasmic thing... don't touch it! don't look at it! don't even think about it! and then you realize that god gave you a penis and a brain. and only enough blood to run one at a time.
you have lost thoughts from your childhood. and then you hear these words from your lady: "my turn!" you can't fucking be serious! look at me, i'm glue boy! what are you doing? that's right, corky! time to saddle up. we're heading south of the border. you gotta please missy. i have one question for the ladies:
do we look like this? are you almost there? no, no, no. i will finish! i love you! i love you! i will finish. i can take it. i just can't feel my tongue. who's your daddy? i will finish. good night!
this night for new york! what are we gonna do tonight? you're the best! we did it! my pink lady...
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